342: Seeing More of Me through Time
When looking at the 'natural world' as this physical reality, and the things that grow here 'naturally' - what I see is trees, and plants that take their sweet time to grow and develop and in that process, it is never as the process is 'complete' - it is simply here, doing it's thing, like a tree - converting the CO2 into oxygen, absorbing the sunlight, giving a home to a vastness of species, I mean it does what it does without an end result pushing it to do more in a quicker amount of time. And while I understand the perspective that one can become efficient in how they utilize time and maximize it to get things done - when one is moving to reach an end result to define oneself within an idea that 'quicker is better' - that is a point to re-consider and re-define so it's not about that. In this, the work, the process, the journey becomes the focus and not the time it takes to get something done.
One of the many things I have learned since walking my process and Journey to Life is that things in physical reality take SPACE and TIME to become manifested; to become created. Things are not instant, McDonald's styled results, where you get what you want in the fastest amount of time - no - physical reality moves slowly but surely, ensuring that what it is doing is specific and direct and to the point to ensure that what is creates stands the test of time. So that would be the point perhaps I am missing, the example from which to learn - creating myself to stand within the test of time. How long has this physical earth been here, moving itself, and creating itself to be what it is now? I mean in the context of time, it has taken advantage of every second it has, yet not in trying to 'get it done', it simply is here, expressing, doing, being, living. So why am I racing against time, seeing time as something I must defeat and become more than? I mean, one by one, step by step, things can get done, and that requires consistent physical application and movement, and so with regards to my lesson I had the initial reaction towards - it's purpose is not to support me how to move through time quicker, but to become aware of who I am in relation to words, how I live words throughout time, who I am as the words I live and the goal is not to go through it as fast as possible, but as consistent as possible, as disciplined as possible, as self-aware as possible - all the while developed to support me to get to know myself, understand how I've created myself to be who I am currently IN TIME, and how I am able to redefine myself, and so the words I live to be an expression that is my utmost potential.
So the self honesty point here is to see the ego in my actions - in how I was racing against myself, as time, to WIN, to be the best, to define myself as accomplished, as somehow achieving some kind of greatness, when all the while I was deceiving myself in not seeing the point, the purpose in which I am actually walking the specific process of redefining words in my current Agreement Course lesson.
What I can see is that this initial reaction to time is based on a past idea I accepted within myself that suggested 'faster is better'. One memory within this is when I was in elementary school and I was held back from recess in order to catch up on my reading. I don't recall the scenario leading up to this situation, yet I recall the experience of feeling 'behind' and I had to move quicker, as my reading was slow and so I was behind the rest of the kids and so ultimately, the time to play with everyone was the time I had to spend catching up on my reading.
Another dimension I can see within this is how, in looking at my life before I came across Desteni and started to walk my process, I had reactions to who I was within my life as 'wasting time'. I saw how much I did not push myself or move myself to do anything really - simply doing the bare minimum in terms of work and living, wherein I had no real motivation to do anything and simply accepted the state of contemplation in wondering 'what should I do' or 'what can I do', all within the idea of I was still 'finding my purpose.' So a lot of times I would find myself 'bored' and not doing anything, thinking there was nothing for me to do, as I was waiting for something to come into my life that directed me to do what was necessary for me in this life. The point being that I reacted in self-judgment towards who I was at that time in my life, once I realized that there is much to be done in this Life, and that boredom is an excuse to not take responsibility for what I participate and so create in this life - so I was essentially really hard on myself in judging myself for who I had been, and now seeing there was so much for me to do in terms of developing myself within practical skills in this world, and educating myself, and getting to know myself and our world systems as a whole.
So I can see how this reaction towards myself also has been sustaining this starting point of me moving through responsibilities or assignments or tasks that I have in wanting to get it done as fast as possible, almost to be able to say, "See - I am doing something - I am being active - I am getting things done." Yet - who am I saying this too? Why must I prove that I am doing anything to anyone or even myself? I am basically attempting to prove my self wrong in terms of how I defined myself IN TIME; trying to prove that my own reactions/judgments towards myself are not accurate, and so again - I am only competing/fighting myself.
Okay - so more opening up this point in seeing where this initial reaction to Time came from. Next blog - getting into the self forgiveness - see what else can be opened up.
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