Kristina's Journey to Life

I had another moment this week where a co-worker corrected my work – again I wasn’t slowing down and ensuring my work was complete. I started to react but I could see where I created it – it wasn’t my co-worker trying to do anything, it was me missing the work. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when a co-worker corrected my work in front of my boss in fear my boss would be upset and think I’m not a good worker I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a co-worker talking badly about me to others about the work that I do I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a co-worker for doing something I imagined her doing, not something she actually did as far as I know I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, in realizing the problem and the solution to me reacting to a co-worker, still not apply the correction/solution and instead continue to move too fast and not pay attention to...

Art by: Andrew Gable Today while I was at work – alone on a Sunday due to the Covid19 “situation” as we are calling it – I kept having moments of fear and panic come up as I was ‘alone’ in this office. Despite it being early in the morning to the afternoon, I kept having this fear/image of someone being in the office that “didn’t belong” – that “wasn’t supposed to be there”. I feared someone would be lurking/waiting for me and “strike” when I least expected it. I also thought maybe a co-worker would come in and try to scare me. Every sound stood out and I froze, wondering, “is that a normal sound or is that a sound of something being wrong?” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in my office building in thinking and believing that someone would be there or “get in” that wasn’t supposed to be there and end up harming me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being raped, attacked and murdered while being alone in my of...

Here a point where I sometimes find myself annoyed or impatient in moments of communicating with others - not wanting to hear what they are speaking about, feeling like they are wasting my time - especially if I think what they are saying "doesn't matter" or is irrelevant to what we are actually trying to do... I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up my time for others I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give others a moment of my time in really hearing them out and being present with them instead of waiting for them to stop speaking so I can move on with what I was doing I forgive myself that I have  not accepted and allowed myself to be interested in others' words and expressions instead of learning to stop and investigate what matters in matters I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write most people off as selfish and not worth my time as thinking and believing 'they...

One of the aspects of stopping smoking for me is stopping suppressions. Smoking was a way to deal with myself in many moments of different experiences and now that I'm not smoking, I am having to learn how to cope with myself in those moments. And so for me, learning how to try something new, willing to reach out when I really want to suppress, and understanding that it's going to take me doing something different to get different results. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be more proactive when I see I am experiencing emotional turmoil and instead want to just 'wait it out' and see if it subsides I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to communicate with others when I am experiencing emotional turmoil as wanting to keep it inside and not share it with anyone and not ask for support when I see I need it I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move myself to do something different than t...

Continuing from the previous blog in looking at the relationship I have towards smoking and time, what I can see is how there is a definition of purpose defined within smoking. Where in these in-between moments when I would usually smoke, now they are vacant and I see a void of purpose... not having any direction or meaning to myself in those moments. It's like smoking once gave me a reason and purpose at that moment... to smoke... and now that I am not smoking, what is left? Where am I? Who am I? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my purpose and meaning within/as smoking as the moments where I would smoke, now that I'm not, feeling lost and without a reason or purpose I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to those moments of smoking as having something to do with myself and not actually having to face myself as the question of 'who I am' without smoking... without an idea or belief or de...

It's been more than 7 days since I last had a cigarette. I have been a smoker for more than half my life and I've attempted to stop only a handful of times, unsuccessfully obviously. The last time I tried was about a year and a half ago and I quit for 3 months. A lot of the same factors as my reasoning for stopping are part of this attempt but this time I had an opportunity to have a little help to get started. I had a couple wisdom teeth removed and both times previously I've had teeth pulled, I've given myself dry-socket from smoking right after. This time I decided I would give my body the proper time off to heal as effectively as possible and so I thought well if I won't be smoking, why not use this as an opportunity to stop for good. So that was the initial consideration for the timing to stop. The other factor is money . I spend a lot of money to smoke and I am having a hard time these days justifying smoking my money away - especially when I can't ...

Agreement. What is an Agreement? To me, in the context of how I've been living it, it's a point of understanding the time and space needed and required to actually change. My partner and I agreed to walk this life together - to learn how to live and exist as equals, to work and live as partners in life. What I've realized recently is it's about actually agreeing, UNCONDITIONALLY, to walk the time it takes to actually change. And when I react to things 'not changed yet', even though I see the determination and commitment, it implies I am not unconditional in my agreement. The agreement is agreeing to walk THIS LIFE, until it's done. If it takes 90 years to change ourselves - is it worth it? Yes, because Life is worth it. And within that - it's not about waiting for the other to change.. the agreement is about SELF. ME changing ME. My partner is here within the same stance and that is what we agreed to. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allo...

A point here of how in my assumption of information, I created consequences for a lot of people including myself. This was based on the idea that the information I had was absolute and right information where if I would have taken a closer look with common sense, I would have questioned the information and realized there was some missing. And then in this missing information leading to assumptions which led to consequences for more than just myself, me as my mind as my programmed to victimize and blame was backed into a corner, nowhere to go, but wanting so desperately to find someone to blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be clear on information that then created a ripple effect on a lot more people's lives than my own - and in making assumptions about something, create a complete shift of daily events that could be consequential to others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that mistakes or assumpti...

A point here that I must address from a previous blog where I made the statement/definition of myself as more optimistic and my partner as more pessimistic and in seeing how these are in fact definitions of limitations - they do not express who we are for real. What I realized in purifying the definition through self-forgiveness was a deeper fear of the negative... how the days of me avoiding 'the negative' were still around, and I was still holding onto the idea that 'to be positive' is the 'right way to be' to create a positive outcome... yet what I am actually doing, accepting and allowing, however, is a fear to embrace the totality of our reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my partner as more negative and myself as more positive and to within this, already casting judgment on right and wrong as positive and negative - him being the wrong and me being the right and so when he is in such a state of what I perceive a...

A potential opportunity here that triggered some reactions within me here I feel as though I 'didn't act soon enough' or 'I was too late coming out of the gate.' This is in relation to an opportunity that is similar to something I had considered a few months or so ago and discussed with my partner on various occasions. It's this nature of feeling like missing out when you see others moving on things you considered doing yourself or feeling like you are 'behind' because something emerges that you wanted to do but didn't act on immediately. It's like there are only so many ideas in this world, and if you come up with something, so are a lot of other people and then it becomes a race to who ' shows or does it first'. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I see others moving within things I wanted to move within myself - wherein I had considerations and ideas about certain paths but didn't act on th...