Kristina's Journey to Life

Art By:  Javier Ideami I experienced a surge of energy as the emotions of loneliness when ending the chat with another. In that moment I felt lonely – alone and there was slight fear. I watched the ' design of loneliness’ portal interview as a way to support myself in seeing what is actually going on. It is an idea within my mind that I have created and reacting to as being lonely The experience is that of not wanting to be alone. Not wanting to be alone with myself. Feeling lonely. I can say that I have always had this experience throughout my life – the experience of being alone /lonely. But I never really faced it, and can see how I created ways in which to always have people around me. And in the interview it also said that the Mind feeds off of relationships with others, a partnership to hide from this loneliness, or to sustain even this loneliness because in our not facing/standing as it – the loneliness that I in fact am, I am suppressing it – yet still allowin...

A point here I experienced/faced today - Fear of Being Alone I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone as loneliness within myself in the wake of  another's death I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my beingness according to another being alive in a physical body I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the realization and standing that I am alone I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be alone with myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fill a void of alone-ness I now experience since the death of another I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself being alone I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be alone because in this I fear I am not able to b...

So I can see throughout this fulfillment point and how I created a polarity within my life around it - the ultimate point of fulfillment I was looking for and defined a truly life fulfilled was in relationship with another - finding 'the one' as apparently one out of 7 billion people was here specifically for me and once I 'found them' my life would magically fall into place and I would be full and satisfied and start living life. So quite a fuck up as I wasted my life in waiting for this being that never came. Even when I thought they came, and I filled my life with only the relationship, as the only thing I cared about, things did not fall into place, I was not happy and satisfied, I was always in fear, conflict, insecurities. I had placed all of myself into this other being - in a relationship - to determine my life being fulfilled, I become dependent on the relationship and the highs and lows as a way to keep busy with 'what was happening' between u...

Aug 3rd, 2012 While sitting down to write here – I had this experience come up of ‘loneliness’ = where I thought about going online and checking my email and see what is going on within the group – and I can’t do that here, because there is no internet or even cell phone service, and within this – loneliness and missing it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am lonely here at the cabin because I cannot check my email and see what the group is doing I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I miss the group because I cannot go online and see what is going on/participate in the daily activities – and within this I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a participant of desteni – wherein not participating, I believe I have lost something or missing something – when in fact I am here and thus I am whole – I am complete – I am here and so I forgive myself that I have accep...