Kristina's Journey to Life

The beautiful thing about having a reaction towards what someone else is doing is that is so CLEARLY shows you to yourself.  I had a reaction towards my partner in how I viewed him relating to our son who was experiencing a fever.  I reacted to how he was "babying" him, and acting like he couldn't do anything else except be by his side. To me, this was not serving our son as it was disempowering for him because my partner was victimizing him.  The truth is, whether he was doing that or not, I had a reaction to it. I got upset; I wanted to lash out, I wanted to push him to stop, I was the one judging.  So then, after some moments of reflecting, I could see I was, in fact, the one that has participated in such patterns.  When we got our dog Hazel almost 7 years ago, I was always seeing her from the perspective of "something is wrong with her," feeling sorry for her and seeing her in a disempowered way.  I've also participated with that pattern in relation to ...

I recorded a video today for my YouTube channel , and one of the points that came through was the true nature/expression of who we are. For those who have been following along long enough, you know what I will say, lol—our innocence, of course—but today's recording made the point clearer for me.  Simply put, looking at who each one is as they were born into this world- innocent, pure, perfect.  That is who we really are. There is no denying or getting around that. The being we are, that All are, when entering this world/reality, is innocent, pure, and perfect. The perfection of Life expressed.  To say it is anything less than that for the rest of its life is the lie.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as less than perfect, pure, and innocent I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define anyone else as less than perfect, pure, and innocent I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see mysel...

This past week I have been looking at the point of where my "real" responsibility starts.  I have spent the greater part of the last 13 years on social media "putting myself out there" to support myself and others in a process of self-realization. While a majority of it was for me, there was also this dimension/belief that I "should" do it as a point of supporting others. If I'm silent, I am selfish. Morality was for sure a driving force in my participation. I somewhat took this point on about 4 years ago when the starting point of me/my living changed - I allowed myself to explore myself in more areas outside of the main area of focus I had spent the most of my late 20's/30's.  The point that I realized about myself was how much I felt responsible for everything. Literally everything. Every.thing. I was the cause for all the suffering in the world, I was the cause for everyone's lostness, I was the cause for all the torment, greed, and evi...

Coming fresh from a reaction, I'm going to just dive into self-forgiveness for tonight... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel justified to be upset with another about what they say or imply I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and resent others for apparently having conflictual thoughts/ideas about others instead of seeing/realizing the reaction itself is conflictual in nature and thus I am the true source/cause/origin of the conflict I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to stop the conflict in their communication when I am still participating in conflict within myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe some conflict is justified and others are not... usually when the conflict makes me right/in power then I am justified  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I must fight some holy war wherein I must protect...

Time to redefine the word SPECIAL.  It's come up in a few blogs previously walking the Star Process and I see there is still some emotional points within me in relation to that word so I'd like to look deeper to see what's here.  I am giving myself permission to break from structure and go with the flow of how to ground/redefine this word.  So special... this word is LOADED for me.  I feel as if the word special didn't play a big role in my life until I started my Desteni Process some 15 years ago. The word, when I would hear or read it, was like a strike against me and I felt like I would coward and hide from it in Fear because I desired to be special. Or I thought of myself to be special and then in process I defined that as "bad" so it was something I was ashamed of about myself, that I used to want to be or felt I was special.  When I was younger and growing up - it was like I did feel special, but also more like an outcast/outsider. It felt like something...

 Yesterday's blog was quite cool and in general, the process of redefining the word STAR to make it a livable expression has been such a fun process to open up and find myself within. There's definitely a push to get real with me in terms of coming to terms with the potential I see in myself and how playing small really doesn't serve anyone.  When I started my process with the Desteni message and tools, I was a meek, shy, insecure, and seemingly insignificant being from my perspective. I was a whisp of a being. I had no standing within myself, no confidence, no direction, no sense of any kind of self-authority. I was lesser than everything, weak, defective and could not recognize myself as worthy of Life.  And this process allowed me to gift myself with such transformation and blossoming. My life has been blessed by this process and I am grateful to be here walking it still.  I do still experience doubt and fear but I've walked through enough of my mind and establish...

I had to use this title for the blog lol it was simply here.  Because in redefining and living the word STAR, what has opened up for me is this point of embracing more of the uniqueness that is me (that all are) and recognizing that I do have something of value to share - like a sun shining and giving to all, I too (like all do) have something I can give and realizing it's not about fitting in, being recognized, being special/more than others - it's about seeing, realizing, understanding and embodying the knowledge that life is truly remarkable and each point in/as/of existence as life and represents all of life that holds so much value and so to standing equal to that.  Taking the position as the role that I was meant to play which was to become the best version of myself, my utmost potential wherein I am not diming, hiding or denying who I really am which is all life as one.  Another dimension that I saw to the word STAR, from seeing the definition of the word, was this...

  It feels good to be sitting here and embarking on a new 30-day journey.  My Journey to Life, and specifically the Desteni Process, has gifted me with the most amazing awareness of who I am, my potential, and the best of Life still yet to be realized.  I took some time since my last entry (apparently it was my last lol) and have been exploring many things within myself and within this world to only find myself back att my roots... and the tools that have kept me the most grounded, stable, and directive in my life.  I have learned so much and yet still I see, realize, and understand that there is no greater power than Self-Responsibility. That is something I have proven to myself over and over again - and even when I think I really got it - there I go into blame again, suggesting that something outside of myself, some power apparently greater than me, is the cause/source/origin to my experience and life. It never is.  There is literally nothing else - there is o...

April 28, 2020 I am learning what it means to express myself in a moment. I have only begun to consider and realize what this means for real... to speak from a nothingness. No fear, worry, or desire, only me here in/as/with the moment and what is required to be shared/expressed to support the moment and all involved as what is best for all. This is something new for me. Often my instinct is to doubt and question myself - to not trust myself - to assume the worst of me.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak my self-honesty in moments due to a fear of how others will react and so instead, suppress me and turn it into a reaction I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see when I suppress my expression and how that turns into a reaction I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand when my expression is wanting to come through I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed...

Agreement. What is an Agreement? To me, in the context of how I've been living it, it's a point of understanding the time and space needed and required to actually change. My partner and I agreed to walk this life together - to learn how to live and exist as equals, to work and live as partners in life. What I've realized recently is it's about actually agreeing, UNCONDITIONALLY, to walk the time it takes to actually change. And when I react to things 'not changed yet', even though I see the determination and commitment, it implies I am not unconditional in my agreement. The agreement is agreeing to walk THIS LIFE, until it's done. If it takes 90 years to change ourselves - is it worth it? Yes, because Life is worth it. And within that - it's not about waiting for the other to change.. the agreement is about SELF. ME changing ME. My partner is here within the same stance and that is what we agreed to. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allo...

Art By: Benjamin Garcia I had a moment where because of my actions, and my willingness to go for something, I received something in return. But upon receiving it, a moment of doubt and fear and rationalizing a self-belief that another person was more deserving than me directed me to give up what I was offered. And I immediately realized the self-compromising ways in which I've been living by this one simple moment... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in moments where I think and believe I am less deserving than another I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to second guess myself and to decide that I am not worth what I was offered based on my efforts and instead believe, by chance, someone else was I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in a moment of receiving something, feel bad for another person and doubt my actions and to offer up what was offered to me I forgive myself that...

Hi all, Today I had an interesting experience specifically because I seemed to face this resistance to my day. And I say that is interesting because yesterday the question was posed in a discussion about what is our purpose and reason for waking up in the morning. So I found it just fascinating that I would experience a day where I could have easily stayed in bed, stuck in an energy , feeling lethargic and apathetic, not really feeling like doing anything. Quite low and slow. without any reason for waking up. So when I noticed this was my experience, despite having things I could do and sort of wanted to do, I resisted the heck out of it, so I asked myself, "what is my purpose today?" "Why did I get out of bed today?" And the question would go for every day... why do I get up in the mornings? What is my motivation? What is my reason for living? Sounds like a silly question to ask ourselves, but for me in my life, I see it as an absolute necessary question ...

Over the holidays I had taken a break from writing, which isn't necessarily recommended, but still something I did. Now that the holidays are over, and moving back into my "normal" routine, I can see this point of questioning... why, when my routine changes, I think I must stop supporting myself? It's like I put everyone on hold... the pause button is pushed, and I am in a state of not moving until it's all over. I can see how in these moments of when our routine changes the most, when we are out of our comfort zones, that's when our self-support can assist greatly. As I was writing earlier this morning, it was like wading through a mucky, muddy pool of gunk that was hard to maneuver within. I see this as a consequences to stopping the flow of me as my expression. Writing, self-introspection, self-forgiveness... these are things that I must still practice because they are not yet completely and absolutely a part of my being. I am still in the process of ch...