Day 721 (24 of 30) - It's just a Tantrum

The beautiful thing about having a reaction towards what someone else is doing is that is so CLEARLY shows you to yourself. 

I had a reaction towards my partner in how I viewed him relating to our son who was experiencing a fever. 

I reacted to how he was "babying" him, and acting like he couldn't do anything else except be by his side. To me, this was not serving our son as it was disempowering for him because my partner was victimizing him. 

The truth is, whether he was doing that or not, I had a reaction to it. I got upset; I wanted to lash out, I wanted to push him to stop, I was the one judging. 

So then, after some moments of reflecting, I could see I was, in fact, the one that has participated in such patterns. 

When we got our dog Hazel almost 7 years ago, I was always seeing her from the perspective of "something is wrong with her," feeling sorry for her and seeing her in a disempowered way. 

I've also participated with that pattern in relation to myself, within myself. Seeing myself as if there's something wrong with me, I am lacking something, I am missing something, I am not as empowered as I "could" be or "should" be - seeing myself as incapable of being my absolute best in every moment, aka victimizing myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself and others as disempowered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner when I viewed him as treating our son as if he was disempowered or a victim because he was experiencing a head ache instead of taking responsibility for the fact that I was reacting and so showing to myself that this was a pattern I had or am acting out myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat myself and others as if we are victims and disempowered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am and others are disempowered and without the ability to direct self to stability and a point of empowerment when we can change anything in any moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the idea of my partner "babying" our son and to, within this, think and believe our son will be at a disadvantage if he is babied and not taught how to be self-assured and directive

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my son will not be able to direct himself in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe my partner wanting to stay by my son's side when he is not feeling well is victimizing him or disempowering him instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that he is actually nurturing him and living the example that he is here for/as/with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for not doing something I wanted him to do in a moment because he was caring for our son and then suggest he was doing something wrong instead of seeing, realizing, understanding and embodying the knowledge that it was I who was being unwilling to give him some moment but instead wanted instant results 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for being/doing what I think they should do/be for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control another because I felt out of control when my partner said no he wouldn't help me with something because he was with our son

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I am told no instead of breathing and seeing what is practically best for all in a moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I should get whatever I want whenever I want in any moment just because I want it without thinking or considering others and what is needed in the moment as what is truly best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lash out at my partner inside myself when I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act like a baby when I didn't get what I wanted to from my partner in a moment, throwing a tantrum and making him the problem for my inability to go with the flow of the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find ways to abdicate responsibility to myself in each moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist any/all movement within me that is a strike against another and what they are doing without realizing it is a strike against Life as what is here and see there still still room for me to stop, breathe and see for real the potential to be present

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself when someone else says no to me and to think and believe that an accepting way to respond is to throw a tantrum inside myself and blame another for my experience as if they are the problem

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have learned how to interact within myself and with the world - that is my preprogramming - and I am walking a process to deprogram who I am so that I can re-program myself to be that which is best for all in every/all moments

When and as I see myself reacting to my partner for saying no to me, I stop, and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that my partner saying no is actually what is best as it is what happens in a moment and to react/resist what happens in a moment is to resist/react to Life as what is here and so I commit myself to practice being more in the flow and open to Life as it moves

When and as I see myself striking again another because I was told no and I couldn't get what I wanted when I wanted, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that being told no isn't a bad thing, and I can choose how I respond. I commit myself to choose to live/be what is best in a moment and respond with acceptance and open arms always in all ways. 

When and as I see myself reacting/judging/blaming another for what they are doing, I stop, and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that what I am reacting/judging/blaming another for is in fact FOR ME to SEE and so I commit myself to use the beautiful reaction/judgment/blame as the gift it in to see me more clearly and get to me more clearly and to choose who I want to be that is representative of what is best for all.