Kristina's Journey to Life

Yesterday’s blog was my ranting and raving on this point I've participated in throughout my life within relationships . They were the main players in my search to fill my self worth. Obviously indicating I was not seeing, accepting, living or embracing worth within myself in any way and actually believed that another could give this or offer this to me. I've known for some time now that is absolutely not true and the only way to know real worth is to live it as myself as who I am, how I live, the principles I live by and to no longer accepting and allowing the abuse of myself and others that is created within seeking self worth in separation of myself. So self forgiveness … I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe self worth can be and will be found in a relationship with another I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is no way one can find SELF worth in another as the words indicate – SEL...

So this point I want to bring up in what I am seeing myself develop again, in terms of ‘old behavior’. I have been watching tv series before I go to bed, and I have created the habit of keeping the show on while I go to sleep. And the other night, I saw this dependency on doing this – instead of simply being able to be here, in the silence that is the breath and walking myself into rest/sleep.. I was afraid to do this. I wanted the tv on for the noise.. almost like I feared being alone, with myself, which is interesting because I am always alone, yet reveals fear of being with myself/facing myself. I had this habit growing up. Where I did not like the silence, I wanted ‘background noise’ and I think the point is this fear of being alone, fear of the silence and thus using the tv or background noise as a safety sound to make myself feel safe and secure and ‘not alone’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit of watching a tv series before I g...

What I am realizing in the last couple days since a relationship of mine has ended – is that I have no motivation to do anything. And I considered that the ‘energy’ of relationships is what moves me in this life . Like After we ended the relationship, I was desperately seeking within my mind trying to find someone I can latch my attention to and be my focus to ‘keep me going’ as the energy of excitement and desire. I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is dependent upon the energies of desire and excitement I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need something or someone outside of myself to be my focus as providing me with energy as desire to ‘keep me moving’ in this life I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy of relationships I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek within my mind people that I can focus my attention onto withi...