Kristina's Journey to Life

April 9, 2020 I finished my 2 nd semester of the paralegal program. It was another semester of struggle – lots of resistance to the materials and the time it takes to actually study and do the work. I know I didn’t do my best and it exposed this pattern of mine to give up at the end. I attempt to ‘do it all’ - all being that which I resist all semester, saved to the last minute. And when I face the reality that it’s not practically possible, I give up. So – this is a pattern. Going into the semester confident and prepared to be perfect and slowly but surely losing the momentum and steam and end up sinking and feel as though I failed.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of prioritizing my studies I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my school work during the week and want to and end up putting it off to the end of the week/towards the time things are due I forgive myself that I have a...

A point here of feeling like nothing is normal - I am currently healing from a couple wisdom teeth being removed and so it's completely shifted what I've been doing the last few days, what I am able to do, what I can eat and can't eat - totally changing my routine and within that, within me, there is a yearning for "normalcy" as a point of the external environment being my point of stability - the normalcy keeping me feeling normal. The realization that it must come from within me and this exercise in being outside my comfort zone as my routine being completely shifted shows a deception within me where I created stability to come from outside of myself as my daily routine instead of from within/as myself as who I am... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my physical condition as 'just wanting things back to normal' and to within this, force myself and my body to be normal even though I am causing more harm than good ...