Day 673: Repeating the Perfection to Failure Pattern
April 9, 2020
So – this is a pattern. Going into the semester confident
and prepared to be perfect and slowly but surely losing the momentum and steam
and end up sinking and feel as though I failed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
resist doing my school work during the week and want to and end up putting it
off to the end of the week/towards the time things are due
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
give up on me within my experience of resisting my school work where I
will allow it and allow it until it gets to the last moment and then completely
give up because everything I resisted accumulated into “too much” and I don’t
even bother
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
create the pattern of attempting perfection and then end up failing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe I have to be perfect in my school work
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
imagine me as a perfect student but not follow through in physical reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
want to be the perfect student as an image and self-definition I can use to
enhance me without actually putting in the work in space and time to apply
myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think and believe I “do better under pressure” as a justification to resist and
put off doing the work until the last minute
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
blame my instructor and the course for being the way it is as the reason I
struggle within it instead of taking self-responsibility for who I am and my
experience within the course and within the week and within my decisions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
put expectations on me during the beginning of a new semester and when not
following through, create an experience of disappointment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
create me as a disappointment through having unrealistic expectations on
what I am capable of doing
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself
to accept and work with my limitations
When and as I see myself wanting to be perfect within my
school work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this
desire to be perfect is fueled by an idea that I must prove to myself I am of
worth and value and so I attempt to create it through being a perfect student
but I always end up creating disappointment and so I commit myself to rather be
self-honest about my experience and what I’m capable of and work within my
limitations
When and as I see myself resisting doing my school work
during a semester, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that
allowing resistance will only re-create the same pattern which creates me
giving up and I decide to not live that anymore and so I commit myself to
prioritize my school work as that which I must walk through first so that I
prevent recreating the pattern of being disappointed
I commit myself to be more directive and disciplined with
myself when it comes to school work
I commit myself to make schoolwork my top priority
I commit myself to not feel I have to be perfect within the
school work and rather take it one day at a time, one lesson at a time
I commit myself to ask for help if I’m ever feeling unsure
or unclear in the information
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