Day 673: Repeating the Perfection to Failure Pattern

April 9, 2020

I finished my 2nd semester of the paralegal program. It was another semester of struggle – lots of resistance to the materials and the time it takes to actually study and do the work. I know I didn’t do my best and it exposed this pattern of mine to give up at the end. I attempt to ‘do it all’ - all being that which I resist all semester, saved to the last minute. And when I face the reality that it’s not practically possible, I give up.

So – this is a pattern. Going into the semester confident and prepared to be perfect and slowly but surely losing the momentum and steam and end up sinking and feel as though I failed.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of prioritizing my studies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my school work during the week and want to and end up putting it off to the end of the week/towards the time things are due

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on me within my experience of resisting my school work where I will allow it and allow it until it gets to the last moment and then completely give up because everything I resisted accumulated into “too much” and I don’t even bother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the pattern of attempting perfection and then end up failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be perfect in my school work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine me as a perfect student but not follow through in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the perfect student as an image and self-definition I can use to enhance me without actually putting in the work in space and time to apply myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I “do better under pressure” as a justification to resist and put off doing the work until the last minute

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my instructor and the course for being the way it is as the reason I struggle within it instead of taking self-responsibility for who I am and my experience within the course and within the week and within my decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put expectations on me during the beginning of a new semester and when not following through, create an experience of disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create me as a disappointment through having unrealistic expectations on what I am capable of doing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept and work with my limitations

When and as I see myself wanting to be perfect within my school work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this desire to be perfect is fueled by an idea that I must prove to myself I am of worth and value and so I attempt to create it through being a perfect student but I always end up creating disappointment and so I commit myself to rather be self-honest about my experience and what I’m capable of and work within my limitations

When and as I see myself resisting doing my school work during a semester, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that allowing resistance will only re-create the same pattern which creates me giving up and I decide to not live that anymore and so I commit myself to prioritize my school work as that which I must walk through first so that I prevent recreating the pattern of being disappointed

I commit myself to be more directive and disciplined with myself when it comes to school work

I commit myself to make schoolwork my top priority

I commit myself to not feel I have to be perfect within the school work and rather take it one day at a time, one lesson at a time

I commit myself to ask for help if I’m ever feeling unsure or unclear in the information




The Journey to Lifers

Take Responsibility for what is HERE in/as this world, within AND without:
Desteni

DIP Lite Course (FREE)


DIP Pro


Eqafe (Self-Perfecting interviews, books, music, etc)


For your info:


Destonian Wiki

Equal Life Foundation

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

597: Sick in Survival (2 of 30)

595: A New Journey

594: Grounding the Feminine