676: Wanting More Time but Refusing to Create it

 

May 6, 2020

A point here of nearing my bedtime but having so much I still want to do. I then react to myself not getting to everything but refuse to consider staying up later to get to all the things due to a fear of being tired in the morning. Where's the directive principle, am I right?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and anxious when I do not get to “all the things” I wanted to do as an expectation I put onto myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure if I do not get to “all the things” I wanted to do instead of considering the practical reality of what I am able to do rather then what I want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the time it takes something to do as a point of blaming it for taking “too much time” and keeping me from doing the other things I want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for talking too much and thus keeping me from “doing all the things” I want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I’m missing out on something if I can’t do everything I want to do in a day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear staying up later to get through everything I want to do in the belief that I will be tired in the morning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of being tired

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up at 6 am in the middle of a dream in thinking and believing it’s “so hard” and challenging coming out of such a deep sleep

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here always, in all ways, even when I am sleep

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to realize I can be aware and here while asleep

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to be present while I sleep

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the potential of me as my awareness and my relationship with my body as I sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sleep to be a place with which I use to escape reality

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use sleep to face the reality of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my day through fear of feeling tired and so refuse to push through and get more things done because I think I must go to sleep as soon as possible

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I asleep I am still here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct me in fear and create consequences for me such as frustration because I’m allowing a limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create me within a limitation as the fear of experiencing being tired

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the potential of each moment and how much time I in fact have or how much time is in fact here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and utilize myself as my full potential within my day, including with sleep

When and as I see myself becoming frustrated for not getting to everything by the time the evening is getting late, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand my frustration and annoyance towards my reality and myself are a reaction to the fact that I am acting in fear – fear of experiencing a tiredness because I will not allow myself to stay up and do what I want to do, to do that which serves me but rather direct myself to prevent fear. I commit myself to thus slow down and ensure I move practically and self-honestly in my reality – stopping all fear and embracing me as self-movement and what I’m actually able to do as who I am 

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