Kristina's Journey to Life

Relationships, as they currently exists - fueled by the Mind - are a trap that keep people stuck in a bubble of bliss without any awareness of reality. I know it's easy to 'fall' into this experience of joy where we think the whole world is now complete as 'we' have found something 'worth living for' - yet within this we do not have a clue - not an ounce - of what we are actually doing. While we are stuck in the love illusion - this world continues on without any consideration from humanity - no one sees the starving child, no one sees the raped women, no one cares about the homeless man, no one gives a shit about the brutality of this world - because we are all too busy being selfish in our desires for "love". Love does not exist - we prove it everyday by our inability to change a system that cause so much suffering. Relationships - especially the 'new ones' - are quite specific in keeping one busy in their minds about ' what if...

All day yesterday I was consumed with the desire for attention of a guy – a point of focus I could zoom in on to keep me busy – to keep me entertained. Looking for energy to get me excited and feeling like I want to live. Fuck – that’s sad. I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe the reason for life is the idea of love found between 2 people I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to never question the relationships that currently exist within this world, when we claim ‘love exists’ between 2 people, and yet the world around us shows something else, I never second guessed it and got in line to be the next one up – to win the jackpot that found love in this world, to feel good and not have to face the reality of our existence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the casino system of relationships –where some win big with believing they are in love, and others stay in hope , waiting for their chance to ...

Throughout the relationships I have had within my life – there is one point that always emerged with the feelings of Love: Fear. “What is he doing right now? Who is he talking to? Is he ignoring me? Is he interested in someone else? I gotta find out what he’s doing.. I gotta protect myself. I know he’s up to no good. What if he’s cheating on me. How could he hurt me? Can I trust him? I have to look through his phone to find out what he’s up to. I will die if I find out theres someone else. But I gotta find out. I know there is someone else. Does he think she’s prettier then me? How can I make myself more then her so that he will only look at me? Why is he talking to her? Is there something going on between them? I have to find a way to be better for him… to keep him away from others. I don’t trust her… why is she talking to him? He’s mine!” This is just a short script pulled from the Mind of Humans. I know I am not the only one. These back chats existed in all my relationships and ...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define another in separation from me through defining them based on their appearance I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see another separate from me through seeing them as an imgae that I like and thus place them on a pedestal as something special I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become nervous in the presence of males in my reality I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious in the presence of males in my reality I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define males that I Have perceived as attractive on a pedestal as something special and then allow my experience to change in their presence as I define them as more then me I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself as being inferior to males in my reality that I define as ‘good looking’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate energy as excitem...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from males within my reality I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define males as only points of potential relationship then keep myself busy in my mind with projections of what ifs and play outs instead of being here equal with the other being I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define males within my mind as being separate form me that I have to win I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear within myself when around males I define as potential partners I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change who I am when a male walks into my reality I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself separate from males through defining them as a point in which I have to earn or impress or catch – so that I have this energy desire fulfillment of a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mys...

Throughout my life I can see how in every moment of finding a potential partner and actually entering into a relationship - I changed myself. I would wear certain clothes, and stand a certain way - do my hair and make up in a specific way... work out, eat less, and be available to them no matter what. Place myself in a 'less than' position - where I did not consider myself or who I was or why I was changing.. and only regarded my partner - what they wanted, when they wanted me around and making myself completely available for them. No hesitation - as I did not care for myself - I only cared for me being in a relationship, as I have discovered that Life to me was defined through having a relationship. If I 'had someone', I believed I was living. Obviously I was not as I changed who I was in attempt to impress and keep that person around. In a constant state of fear of not being good enough and thus trying to be perfect, through how I pictured perfection in the Mind to ...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe throughout my Life that I need to be in a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that life is not complete unless I am in a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define living Life as being in a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself and thus seek myself separate from myself here through seeking a relationship with another I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self judgment of myself so much that I did and would not be alone and thus always seek out a potential partner wherein I could hide from myself within the relationship and not have to face the fear I had of being alone - within all of myself here I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone and thus exist within the starting point of fear when entering a r...

I can see various aspects of myself that exist within/as desire. Mainly to/towards relationships and even more specifically – in relation to a past relationship wherein I still experience memories and the desire to be with him – speak to him, see him. It comes up as a ‘missing’ – like I miss this person and I desire him back in my life. Within this – I end up experience myself within a state of depression–wherein I feel like I missed out – or even a point of regret – where I see what my participation was within our relationship – how I was not effective in walking with him and see how I could have done things differently. So this desire is to ‘do it over’ – to try again – to show that I have changed and that I am not the same person. Yet – I realize also how this desire is based on a self definition – how I perceived/believed myself to be – the person that I was while I was with him – I felt good and proud and happy – defining myself as special for having him in my life – and so this d...

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