Kristina's Journey to Life

Last week I had a dream I died. I was walking on a street in a neighborhood, and some guy came past me very fast and shot me with a gun, straight into my neck. It was at point blank – there was no missing me, it was inevitable, I was going to die. In that moment, my initial experience / reaction was shock. This was it – it has happened and there is nothing stopping it, I am going to die. I started to breathe, I brought myself to my breath, realizing that is where I am and this was happening. More things moved within me – I thought of my partner and the unexpectedness he would have to walk with, with me dying. I thought I wasn't ready, or that I slightly resisted the reality of what was happening, that I was dying. I was disappointed that it happened this way, that is happened at that time , I wasn't ready to go, or at least I thought. But then I realized, or within me I knew, it was happening, that was the reality and there was nothing I could do to change it… so ...

Something I am noticing within myself recently is this point of 'acting out' in reaction and then later coming back to whomever it was that I acted out towards or was around me when I was in a reaction and saying, "I'm sorry - I see I reacted, that was unnecessary, forgive me" as a way to take responsibility for how I acted/reacted. There is nothing wrong with this necessarily, I mean after a reaction, I face the fact that I was reacting and experience the guilt or shame that comes with not standing in a moment and it can be a point of support to learn/understand what happened in that moment and how I can thus correct it in future moments. Yet I'm seeing this is becoming frequent and suggest I am not actually getting to know the reactions/why I am reacting and walking the process necessary to correct it and create solutions for me to utilize in such moments and instead just allowing myself to go into them, to act out, and then later attempt to take res...

The other day I made a decision based on a resistance. I had made a commitment to do something, but as the time approached for me to do this particular thing, I started to have back chats coming up, tempting me away from doing it and in this, attempting to justify why I was right to not do it. In this moment, I knew I was facing a resistance - a fear even - and I knew the solution or correction to apply in order to support myself. I knew that if I gave in to this resistance, I would later regret it. I saw the irrationality of my thoughts and the ideas coming up in my mind attempting to persuade me from doing that which I had already committed to doing. And so in that moment of seeing all these thoughts and ideas coming up into my mind, I wondered what I would do. I saw I could easily walk through the point - meaning - not give into the resistance and fears I was having; although they were coming up, I saw the energy attached to it that usually determine the experience within such th...

This blog is in relation to 'past memories' of 'who I was' and what I accepted and allowed within interacting with others. There is regret when looking at these memories, for who I was, what I did and what I didn't do. Even for how I judged the other person and allowed these judgments to direct me in ending the relationship . So regret for who I was in a past relationship/interaction with another for accepting and allowing my mind as thoughts , feelings , emotions , and judgments to direct me in making the decision to stop contact with this being. It was all self interest - only considering myself in the interaction/ relationship - not being self honest about my experience, only accepting the way I was and not at all considering to communicate about it with the other person. Very selfish, as I was acting out within what I wanted or did want, what I felt or didn't felt and what I wanted to do or didn't want to do - it was all about me, again - not ...