Kristina's Journey to Life

The day before Halloween my partner and I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for 4 months and to our shock and amazement, it had actually happened! And way faster than either of us ever conceived it would have. Just over 5 weeks later, when we were 9 weeks pregnant and having our first ultrasound we were told the fetus had no heartbeat. I was told to empty my bladder twice before the technician finally decided to do an internal ultrasound that confirmed what the technician was seeing... there was no heartbeat. The fetus was measuring at an age where there should have been a heartbeat. While the technician wanted to give us the news gently and with some hope that maybe the pregnancy wasn't as far along as we thought, my midwife gave it to us straight that there should be a heartbeat by now. And because there wasn't, this pregnancy wasn't progressing. She insisted if the fetus did not come out soon, we should get medical assistance to remove it. It was anoth...

It's been more than 7 days since I last had a cigarette. I have been a smoker for more than half my life and I've attempted to stop only a handful of times, unsuccessfully obviously. The last time I tried was about a year and a half ago and I quit for 3 months. A lot of the same factors as my reasoning for stopping are part of this attempt but this time I had an opportunity to have a little help to get started. I had a couple wisdom teeth removed and both times previously I've had teeth pulled, I've given myself dry-socket from smoking right after. This time I decided I would give my body the proper time off to heal as effectively as possible and so I thought well if I won't be smoking, why not use this as an opportunity to stop for good. So that was the initial consideration for the timing to stop. The other factor is money . I spend a lot of money to smoke and I am having a hard time these days justifying smoking my money away - especially when I can't ...

Over the holidays I had taken a break from writing, which isn't necessarily recommended, but still something I did. Now that the holidays are over, and moving back into my "normal" routine, I can see this point of questioning... why, when my routine changes, I think I must stop supporting myself? It's like I put everyone on hold... the pause button is pushed, and I am in a state of not moving until it's all over. I can see how in these moments of when our routine changes the most, when we are out of our comfort zones, that's when our self-support can assist greatly. As I was writing earlier this morning, it was like wading through a mucky, muddy pool of gunk that was hard to maneuver within. I see this as a consequences to stopping the flow of me as my expression. Writing, self-introspection, self-forgiveness... these are things that I must still practice because they are not yet completely and absolutely a part of my being. I am still in the process of ch...

When it comes to change – it can be quite challenging. We can make the process quite complicated, feel like it’s completely hopeless, and think we are doing things all wrong, because after all, we keep falling… we keep doing the same things over; making the same decision, repeating the same behavior , continue thinking the same thoughts. From our perspective, change is futile, because we see it in ourselves…. We just can’t correct the point we are dealing with. Though, as hard of a pill it is to swallow, the solution is simple. You will just have to stop. You will just have to stop those thoughts. You will just have to stop making those decisions. You will just have to stop repeating those same behaviors . You will just have to stop. That moment when you are faced with a decision, infiltrated with excuses and reasons as to why you can keep on keeping on with the same ol’ story… you will just have to stop, and change your mind, and so change your direction . It really is that s...

This is a continuation from the previous blog - here writing out and committing to how I can and will change in a moment in relation to reacting to another's reaction towards me, and the pattern of 'same old, same old.' When and as I see myself wanting to automatically react to another when they react to me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my ‘wanting to react’ is just a reaction , and that it’s my responsibility to stop, as well as taking responsibility for reacting in the first place, as the trigger that caused another to react in the first place. I commit myself to take responsibility for myself when a reaction to another's reaction occurs by breathing and not participating/going into the reaction When and as I see myself projecting images of past moments of conflict with another within my mind as a point of ‘here we go again’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that it doesn’t have to be a ‘here we go again’, a...

Today a moment came up that has come up many times. One reaction in one person leads to a reaction in another person, which triggers another reaction in the first person... and so on, and so forth until eventually, the two stubborn parties finally take responsibility for themselves and peace is once again restored. Here realizing I will have to be the one to stop first, and change first, as the principle of self-responsibility, change, and what is best for all. Forgiveness followed on the point: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another's reaction towards me - seeing another become angry, upset, or frustrated by me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to automatically go into a reaction towards another just because they went into a reaction towards me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet stop and consider the responsibility I had initially when I accepted and allowed myself to ex...

Today I realized, or more so finally admitted to myself, that my previous stability the last few years was completely dependent upon my environment and the routine I had set up for myself. Before I moved to Canada – I was pretty sure of myself in terms of my process – what I was doing , where I was going, and overall, the experience of myself. I was certain I could trust myself and that I would do whatever was necessary to be done to support myself within my process (that which I face within my life). Though since moving to a new country, a new environment, starting a new job and overall completely uprooting myself from ‘what I know’, I have felt a collapse within myself, like I have completely failed. This is due to the experience of myself being all over the place. I have faced so many new points, and faced myself essentially in new situations, and I was not prepared to the extent I thought I was. It’s been more than 6 months and I can finally say that the stability I had cre...

Continuing with opening the word Success - how I've defined it and lived it throughout my life . I have a memory in my life, in my early twenties, where I become quite obsessed with the idea of making money. I was full of desire, and wanted an escape from my life, and I thought if I invested a lot of money in this specific course, I would be able to do just that. I spent one weekend at a seminar, and over $1000 on material, and a few weeks to follow of research for something that did not play out as I expected. The desire to succeed, which was really the desire for more money/financial freedom was the motivation, though I did not at that stage understand what it actually takes to create something – I simply just wanted results NOW. After not getting what I was expecting, thinking if I just threw enough money, and had certain material, things would just work out for me – though of course that is now how it works, and I simply gave up. The energy as the desire depleted and I...

Success I’ve never had a relationship to this word. Or well, perhaps I have, the it’s been of one of separation. What do I mean by separation? Success was never a word I could relate to, or one that I ever thought I lived. It seemed so far off – away from who and what and how I am – as if to exist in some other part of reality that I was not a part of. And now I find myself venturing into a new direction for work and this is a point emerging that exists in conflict. The work/business is that to produce success – not just for myself, but for others as well, yet how can I possibly do that if I’ve never been able to even relate to the word? So I will here sort out how I’ve defined the word and define it new for myself, one that I can relate to and one that I can practically live, and thus support others to live as well. Though, let’s go back to the beginning. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve never been able to relate to the word success, it just didn’t exist in my reality – it was no...

Tonight's blog is in 'real time'. Meaning - I am sitting here, writing this specific Journey to Life blog entry, in the moment, about a point that I want to share. This is not writings from the other day or self forgiveness from this morning. I am here, in the moment. I have been a bit spacey with my Journey to Life blogs as of recently - prioritizing my time to focus more on school work, I have not given myself the appropriate time to be as consistent as I would like with my Journey to Life blogs. I'm not saying this is 'wrong' or 'bad' - it's simply something I had to do in order to sort myself out with my school work, to make sure I was satisfied with myself in that specific aspect of my life. Yet all the while, I 'knew' I was not giving myself that extra push I know I could to write and share and move within my Journey to Life. It has been an amazing gift - this point alone (The 7 Year Journey to Life Blogs), within the Deste...