Kristina's Journey to Life

June 23rd, 2013 - Another night without power in the house Alone in the Dark I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to go home because there is no electricity and the darkness reminds me of loneliness I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone without electricity – because within this I feel alone, I feel lonely I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never realize the loneliness that exists within me and only now see it triggered through an outside/external force that reveals to me the loneliness I have within me – realizing that it’s not my environment that ‘causes’ the loneliness, but it is in fact existent within me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency on my routine, which is supported with electricity/power for when I come home – within this, defining the things that I do as a normal routine as my comfort and companion and to within th...

Continuing here in the series I have been walking, laying out myself in the memories I found that fueled this point of fear of being bullied - realizing that I was the bully I am now fearing. You can start from the beginning in the first blog here . So will continue applying the self forgiveness for the accepted and allowed self I was in this memory with the following points: *This is not in the memory/written out, but as I write here, I see there was sadness within me for what I had just done, that I could do that to another being, that I could do that to my friend, and ultimately I knew it was dishonest, but my fear of not being accepted and thus desiring to be accepted was stronger then my concern for her and so I suppressed the sadness I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my own fear and desire and self interest to become more than what I accepted and defined myself as, as being inferior to two girls in my class, decide to take action against ...

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking: 181: The Birth of a Bully 182: The Birth of a Bully part 2 183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1 184: Bonding over Names and Shared Interests 185: What we Allow within Inferiority and Superiority 186: Seeing Equality Through Polarity & Dumping Life for Illusion 188: Who I am Within the Decision/Choice I Make So looks here we are into the physical dimension of the experience of myself in the moment of 'dumping' my friend Cristina for a desired definition of myself: Raising the tone of my voice because Cristina did not believe me - so raising my voice as 'getting more serious' so that she will understand that I will no longer be her friend I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my voice tonality within frustration as the reaction to Cristina 'not getting it' wherein she did not actually believe me that I would no longer be her friend and ...

What I am realizing in the last couple days since a relationship of mine has ended – is that I have no motivation to do anything. And I considered that the ‘energy’ of relationships is what moves me in this life . Like After we ended the relationship, I was desperately seeking within my mind trying to find someone I can latch my attention to and be my focus to ‘keep me going’ as the energy of excitement and desire. I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is dependent upon the energies of desire and excitement I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need something or someone outside of myself to be my focus as providing me with energy as desire to ‘keep me moving’ in this life I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy of relationships I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek within my mind people that I can focus my attention onto withi...