Kristina's Journey to Life

I have been feeling the call to write here again.  I started this Journey to Life 12 years ago!? Something like that... The original purpose was to write to an equivalent of 7 years to birth myself as Life - taking daily account and responsibility for who I am in all I do and in all relationships that exist from/as me.  And I did that (to a degree) - I walked consistently to a point where I "returned to my innocence" and was born anew.  My life radically changed in a moment, which, looking back now, I can see was an accumulation of many, many, many moments and many, many, many actions and many, many, many decisions made over and over again to become the best version of myself.  And I got to that point. Or at least - I got to a point where I was so liberated within an innocence and pure love that it felt like I had reached the ultimate freedom.  Since then, which was almost 5 years ago now, I've been exploring myself and life in ways I wouldn't have allowed mysel...

Let's continue with the redefining and living process of the word SPECIAL.  The sounding stage... this one has been in me for days.  The Spec in All. I am the speck in all.  Special.  Spesh all.  Bless all.  Special Space all Spacious.  There is enough room for everyone and everything to be special.  The speck in all. This is like the light within each one. The spark of Life. the Source/Cause/Origin of all. The God that is in All.  Not special - literally the same thing, that point that is us as ONE. What we all come from, what we all return to. The light that gives life to everything. The eternal flame, the point of equality and oneness. That One Principle. The One Directive. All as One as Equal.  That one Point.  There is no getting around that one point.  There is only one point. And everything stems from that One Point. We are One and the Same.  Special-ness is to get specific with who one is AS all that is - as the ON...

Time to redefine the word SPECIAL.  It's come up in a few blogs previously walking the Star Process and I see there is still some emotional points within me in relation to that word so I'd like to look deeper to see what's here.  I am giving myself permission to break from structure and go with the flow of how to ground/redefine this word.  So special... this word is LOADED for me.  I feel as if the word special didn't play a big role in my life until I started my Desteni Process some 15 years ago. The word, when I would hear or read it, was like a strike against me and I felt like I would coward and hide from it in Fear because I desired to be special. Or I thought of myself to be special and then in process I defined that as "bad" so it was something I was ashamed of about myself, that I used to want to be or felt I was special.  When I was younger and growing up - it was like I did feel special, but also more like an outcast/outsider. It felt like something...

  Today, I felt some embarrassment and shame around a projection I had on another. I read their words (online) in a way that made me feel they were "lashing out" and "snapping" at me—feeling a lot of hate from them and like they were "trying to diminish" me. I even thought there was jealousy, and essentially that they were reacting.  I mentioned this, not so specifically, but generally noticing a reaction from them. They said it wasn't that so apparently I was mistaken.  Okay, fine. I totally misread their words, and then I was like, "Wow—that is quite the misinterpretation."  Deeper within this I can see clearly times when I lashed out and snapped in reaction towards another and what I've come to understand is that "everything is my energy" so when I "feel hate" coming from someone, it's actually the hate I am experiencing. Likely I've given that type of energy out into the world and so it's now come back ...

  It feels good to be sitting here and embarking on a new 30-day journey.  My Journey to Life, and specifically the Desteni Process, has gifted me with the most amazing awareness of who I am, my potential, and the best of Life still yet to be realized.  I took some time since my last entry (apparently it was my last lol) and have been exploring many things within myself and within this world to only find myself back att my roots... and the tools that have kept me the most grounded, stable, and directive in my life.  I have learned so much and yet still I see, realize, and understand that there is no greater power than Self-Responsibility. That is something I have proven to myself over and over again - and even when I think I really got it - there I go into blame again, suggesting that something outside of myself, some power apparently greater than me, is the cause/source/origin to my experience and life. It never is.  There is literally nothing else - there is o...

Our son Phoenix is now three weeks old and we have been home for almost three weeks as well. We are slowly navigating through our new normal, learning what's possible as our day-to-day living as well as the demands of this new little human. I am grateful for this new experience and the journey we are in though that doesn't mean I haven't found reactions and challenges within this new process we are walking.  Yesterday was a cool example that I actually processed quickly within myself, meaning - I saw a reaction and fairly quickly realized and made the correction. I wanted to share here because I think a lot of moms could probably relate.  My days consist of taking care of this new little bundle of joy. There are other things like cleaning up the house, preparing food, doing laundry that is part of the days as well, and then there are additional tasks I've done for years that I've been trying to incorporate into my new daily routine but haven't yet been successfu...

March 23, 2021 I am now 36 weeks pregnant and inching closer every day to the "big day" which is that of giving birth. I've known this day would come and have been preparing physically and mentally - doing yoga, breathing, and reading lots of books about labor and birth.  For the majority of this pregnancy, I have been feeling confident, calm, and prepared for that moment when it's time to actually labor and birth my child but recently I've had an interesting experience coming up. I'd say it's come up about 2 or 3 times now, mostly in the middle of the night when I'm on one of my many bathroom runs, this very subtle and quick moment of sheer panic at the thought of having this child.  I'm not sure if it's the labor/birth part or the fact that once this baby is here, that's it... he's here forever lol but it's definitely an experience of panic. It's a sharp energy that grips me for a moment and the first time I experienced it, it...

March 22, 2021 Today my partner and I had a few moments of reactions towards each other with one accumulating into quite the fight in which I ended up leaving the house.  Often that is one of the first things I want to do, just leave. This is a power move I can see now because I'm basically saying "I'm not staying here/in this or I'm not willing to fight with you anymore" almost like a righteous/moral stand as if I'm being the bigger person. Really it's just an automatic response to an experience, when it gets that intense, I am not able to process so I think if I remove myself I could calm down.  It did work though the guilt and shame for "running away" quickly emerged and I felt like I had abandoned him. I did not like that experience. I was only gone for 20 minutes or so and headed back with the intention to communicate about what happened, my experience, and what I saw as my contribution and so the responsibility to the playout was so that we...

March 21, 2021 Day 2 of maternity leave. Today I slept in a bit later than usual and had a 2+hour phone call with my mother. Usually when this happens, specifically the sleeping in later, I find myself get grumpy and agitated because I feel as though I've "wasted time". Often this is on the weekends when I don't have to work and the days are more "mine" in the sense that I don't have to do any work for anyone else - I am freer to decide what my day looks like. And often I save all the things I want to do for the weekend so my desire to do lots on the weekends often doesn't pan out because I do only have so many hours in a day. So then when I use some of those hours to sleep in a bit later than usual I get upset. And not at myself... usually it's projected outward onto everything else in my reality.  What I can see however is the agitation is really from myself from a) placing unrealistic expectations on myself in terms of what I think I'm pra...

  January 25, 2021 After my last blog, a day of going into the extreme opposite of what I thought I was doing wrong (I was eating too much sugar so I cut out all sugar/carbs) and discussing my experience with my partner and a friend I realized it doesn't serve me to go into the opposite extreme either. The reality is my diet is overall balanced but there are a few minor adjustments I could make to ensure I am not overindulging in things that are not necessarily on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis.  So - did I react to my gestational diabetes test results? Yes! Did it show me aspects of myself I was being dishonest about? Yes! Am I a horrible mom and have already fucked up my child? Of course not.  It was a hard experience - well I was being hard on myself. I felt like quite a failure, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. But in reality - I made some mistakes, I can forgive myself for it, take responsibility for it, and LEARN from what has been done. I don't need to punis...

January 21, 2021 Today I got a call from my midwife with the results of my gestational diabetes test results. The result was high so I have to take a 2nd test. If that test comes back high I will have to see a dietician to attempt to get my blood sugar under control. If that doesn't work I may have to take insulin.  This was not good news for me though I anticipated these results while simultaneously wanting to deny them. My sugar tooth has been getting the best of me, my family had a history of diabetes and something within me wanted to take that test.  Now I consider the reason I wanted to take that test was to attempt to slow myself down from the sugar I was consuming. I wouldn't say my diet was so out of whack lately but for me, I was consuming much more sugar than I normally do/would.  But the only thing I ever did to attempt to balance it was ensuring I had a green smoothie as often as possible or a salad as much as I could. In reality, I was justifying my actions w...

Continuing from my last blog ... the next day I noticed the point mentioned previously was still present within me. There was spite existing within me in relation to this person that "took their frustrations out on me." The next day when communicating with her, I hardly spoke. This is often my choice of punishment towards someone I think have wronged me. I shut down and stop engaging with them. Or the classic silent treatment as my partner would call it.  That's what I was doing - I was giving this person the silent treatment because they "wronged" me. I knew while I was allowing it that is was really unacceptable - because I realized the frustrations they were having wasn't personal, it wasn't about me  YET I took it personally, made it about me, victimized myself within it and decided to punish them with my silence. Apparently I believe this will "teach them a lesson."  Really all it does is perpetuate a state of conflict, a state of victimiz...