690: Who Am I in Conflict with My Partner?
March 22, 2021
Today my partner and I had a few moments of reactions towards each other with one accumulating into quite the fight in which I ended up leaving the house.
Often that is one of the first things I want to do, just leave. This is a power move I can see now because I'm basically saying "I'm not staying here/in this or I'm not willing to fight with you anymore" almost like a righteous/moral stand as if I'm being the bigger person. Really it's just an automatic response to an experience, when it gets that intense, I am not able to process so I think if I remove myself I could calm down.
It did work though the guilt and shame for "running away" quickly emerged and I felt like I had abandoned him. I did not like that experience. I was only gone for 20 minutes or so and headed back with the intention to communicate about what happened, my experience, and what I saw as my contribution and so the responsibility to the playout was so that we could lay to rest this fight and get back to our stability and alignment.
For me - the pattern to either shut down (go silent) or run away is always the first points that come up when we get into conflicts. Especially if it's an intense conflict, and the emotions within me overwhelm me, I shut down or attempt to communicate in a very indirect way and ultimately just wanting to run away.
I can see this is because I don't feel as though I am able to communicate myself or direct myself out of the experience - I am overwhelmed and incapable of expressing what is going on within me. It's almost like feeling water rising within you to the point where you are about to drown and while you know you don't have to drown, you also can't keep the water level from rising, you are going to go under.
For me, every time we fight like this, which is not often almost 8 years into our relationship/agreement, it feels like it really takes its toll on us. You can actually see and experience the consequences it is creating between you and your partner and often, after the tidal wave, the aftermath is messy. You see the damage that was done. The actual effect on your environment/you the conflict had.
So I am determined to correct myself to where I do not let myself become overwhelmed by my emotions and to rather be able to stop myself in a moment, to breathe, ground myself and be clear enough to make a decision to communicate myself and direct the situation into the best for all outcome.
This of course is determined by me and me alone and there can be no blame or expectations from my partner - I must be standing 100% in my self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how my emotions and feelings are 100% my responsibility and if I am blaming any of my experience on my partner I am not 100% directive principle of/as myself which is what leads to me experiencing my emotions and feelings as more/greater than me and so overwhelm me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my emotions when in conflict with my partner because I am not taking 100% responsibility for the creation of the conflict and who I am within it as a participant
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I am not standing equal to and one with my mind and so my thoughts, back chats and so emotions and feelings my mind becomes more than me and can over power me
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand equal to and one with my mind as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions as my accepted and allowed creation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when overwhelmed by my emotions and feelings, automatically want to shut down and to run away because I think and believe it's the only way I can "get out" of what I am experiencing instead of realizing I am actually not sure how to communicate and so direct myself out of my experience of energy as emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, after a conflict with my partner, want to run away as an automatic response within a starting point of being righteous and taking some moral high ground where I am attempting to express "I will not participate in this" instead of realizing the actual emotion I am consumed with as the conflict within me is influencing and motivating me to leave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my partner after a conflict as leaving him to deal with the mess instead of staying, taking responsibility, and communicating so that we can come to a solution that is best for both of us
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the grace and space to stop and breathe before I move from emotions that were triggered after a conflict with my partner as the most efficient and self-honest way to handle the situation
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my creation of the conflict with my partner and to rather want to leave as if implying it's his problem and not mine
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that running away is ever a solution to my problems instead of realizing that only facing, addressing, and correcting the problem is the actual solution
When and as I see myself wanting to act from my emotions after a conflict with my partner such as shutting down or running away, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that both actions are an abdication of my responsibility to the creation of the conflict with my partner and that unless I stand 100% within that responsibility then I am still in a point of blame and separation from me, my mind and my creation as the conflict and so I commit myself to realize it always takes two to tango and that I am equally responsible to clean up the mess as I was in creating it
When and as I see myself wanting to run away after a conflict with my partner, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is often within a starting point of moral high ground and righteousness wherein I am implying I am doing something right and he is doing something wrong, and I am the one ending the conflict because I'm removing myself from the situation instead of realizing I am still in a point of blame and thus not taking responsibility for what I've created with my partner and so I commit myself to not abandon myself or my partner after a fight and rather stay and face the music and practice communicating and expressing my responsibility to what happened so that we can find and implement a solution that is best for us both
I commit myself to practice slowing down in moments of conflict so as to not allow myself to be overwhelmed by my mind as thoughts and emotions and to rather stand equal to it where I can actually direct it
I commit myself to no longer creating guilt and shame of acting out in my emotions after a conflict with my partner and to rather practicing breathing to ground the emotions so that I can move in a self-honest way that does not further create consequences or conflict with my partner
I commit myself to practice standing 100% within my responsibility within all things I participate with, express, and create
Artwork By: Desteni Artists
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