689: The End of the Weekend Rush
Day 2 of maternity leave. Today I slept in a bit later than usual and had a 2+hour phone call with my mother. Usually when this happens, specifically the sleeping in later, I find myself get grumpy and agitated because I feel as though I've "wasted time". Often this is on the weekends when I don't have to work and the days are more "mine" in the sense that I don't have to do any work for anyone else - I am freer to decide what my day looks like. And often I save all the things I want to do for the weekend so my desire to do lots on the weekends often doesn't pan out because I do only have so many hours in a day. So then when I use some of those hours to sleep in a bit later than usual I get upset. And not at myself... usually it's projected outward onto everything else in my reality.
What I can see however is the agitation is really from myself from a) placing unrealistic expectations on myself in terms of what I think I'm practically able to do in a day and b) for not creating the type of life for myself where I am the one deciding how my days look every day... that I'm still in a position where I must depend on another person to provide to me money in exchange for my time/labor.
So where I find myself now is in a position where every day is my choice to decide who I am and what I will do. I no longer require to be or do anything for someone to ensure my survival. At the moment, my survival is more so guaranteed.
What I can see however is that the habit of existing in this state of cramming as much as I can into one day because I only have so much "me time" creates a lot of rush-ness and also the inability to really be in the moment as things unfold, such as sleeping in later or having a 2-hour phone conversation with my mother.
While this morning I did not wake up grumpy for sleeping in and didn't feel rushed when on the phone with m mother, I did recall this pattern I've for so long-lived out and I am determined to become more aware of it as I walk this process as my maternity leave where my time is my own and I no longer have to rush to get to "my stuff" because I am expected to do stuff for others.
Yesterday I did actually get ambitions and make the most of my day and I was quite exhausted by the end of the day so it's also a matter of being practical with myself in considering I am now 36 weeks pregnant and my body is doing a lot of work without me doing anything extra so to not overextend myself to create consequences.
Yes, I want to make the most of this space/time I have available however I also want to ensure I am healthy and stable and taking care of myself and my body.
Slow and steady wins the race.
I'm looking forward to this process of maternity leave ahead as I can start learning and practice what it means to walk slow and steady... I have nowhere to be, no one to answer to, I have nothing I need to do. I have space and time (I know I've said that many time between yesterday and today's blog) but it is standing out to be the most relevant point I can see that will play the biggest role for me in terms of getting to know myself and seeing who I am/who I will be and how I direct myself and how I will direct myself with that space and time available.
Fun times ahead :)
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