686: Gestational Diabetes Test - Getting Real with Myself

January 21, 2021

Today I got a call from my midwife with the results of my gestational diabetes test results. The result was high so I have to take a 2nd test. If that test comes back high I will have to see a dietician to attempt to get my blood sugar under control. If that doesn't work I may have to take insulin. 

This was not good news for me though I anticipated these results while simultaneously wanting to deny them. My sugar tooth has been getting the best of me, my family had a history of diabetes and something within me wanted to take that test. 

Now I consider the reason I wanted to take that test was to attempt to slow myself down from the sugar I was consuming. I wouldn't say my diet was so out of whack lately but for me, I was consuming much more sugar than I normally do/would. 

But the only thing I ever did to attempt to balance it was ensuring I had a green smoothie as often as possible or a salad as much as I could. In reality, I was justifying my actions within eating/how I was consuming food. 

The call today and the results that are now in really brought home the fact that I have been eating from my mind and not from what is actually best for my body. This is quite interesting because I just had a brief conversation with some others about this point of eating more intuitively rather than what you "think" you should eat such as a specific diet. 

I have been eating more emotionally - things that I like, that taste good to me, that fill me up not just physically, but emotionally as well but not that I necessarily consider or ask, "Is this the best thing for my body?"

So a wake-up call for me, a shake-up, a slap in the face if you will. I am disappointed in myself and maybe even taking the results a little personal and judging myself for the results - thinking and believing I've done something wrong, I've failed, I'm already a "bad mother." In reality - I can simply see in self-honesty I wasn't directing myself within my best ability to ensure I was eating what was not only best for me, but for the baby as well. 

And this is not to say high carb/sugary foods are "bad" and should be avoided at all costs - it's a simple point of self-honesty. Could I have eaten less sugary foods and more vegetables? Could I have tuned more into my body and ask it what IT needs... what it requires in the moment rather than just going for the quick fix of something that tastes good but doesn't offer much as far as nutritional value?

So I wasn't doing my best and I wasn't being self-honest about that. And perhaps I took this test to get myself to take notice, slow down, and consider the consequences of my actions. 

*Also I' will note here that I've now learned that diet doesn't play a role in triggering gestational diabetes. It has to do with the placenta and its productions of hormones and how that can interfere with the body's ability to regulate its blood sugar. So while this whole experience allowed me to realize I wasn't being my best within what I was eating, my eating did not cause me to have gestational diabetes. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume food during my pregnancy without any acknowledgment or awareness of what the foods are doing to my body and baby

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my awareness within the foods I was eating wherein I just "wanted that I wanted" in terms of food and didn't care to consider the consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food to feel good instead of using it in the most practical ways which are to nourish and support my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever I want in thinking and believing I'm going to gain weight anyway I might as well enjoy the ride

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish in my decision to not be directive about what I was eating and just eat whatever I wanted in terms of whatever would taste the best and so make me feel the best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being a bad mom for not giving more direction to what I have been eating in this pregnancy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify eating way more sugar than I'm used to because I'm "craving it" when in reality I seemed to simply let go of all self-regulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think only about what I want in terms of food and not how the food will affect not only my body but my baby as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to sugary foods

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a consequence to remind me that I am responsible for my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather have consequence tell me what to do than to see, realize, and understand what is best for me to do and then do that

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace principles that are truly best for me 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of who I've been in relation to food during my pregnancy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the results of my gestational diabetes test as judging and defining myself as a failure and a fuck up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed for having to take the gestational diabetes test again because I think and believe I've done something wrong 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to make mistakes so much so to the point that if I do make a mistake, I would rather deny it than take responsibility for it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need the potential of having to take insulin as the reason I finally decide to make better decisions about the foods I eat during my pregnancy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide out in food 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to practice more intuitively eating such as actually giving myself a moment to ask my body what it needs to eat in a moment instead of just reaching for the thing that will give me the quickest fix of the best feeling

 I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that that which I seek in fulfilling a positive feeling for myself usually ends up harming my physical body in the end

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the opportunity I have to get to know and actually form a realationship with my body where I can communicate with my body when it comes to the food I eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in the moment of checking in with my body to see what it needs to eat to support itself in thinking and believing I will just end up fucking with myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot develop a relationship with my body unless I start to practice my communication - speaking and listening - with my body

When and as I see myself just wanting a quick fix of something sugary to feel good, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this quick action without awareness OR self-honesty can lead to consequences I am not willing to live with and so I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and the decisions I am making when it comes to food - in taking into account not only myself but also my body and my baby and what is, in fact, best for all three points

When and as I see myself suppressing my self-honesty in terms of seeing who I am in relation to my food choices, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am only creating more consequences for myself and in the end, I will have a rude awakening that will shock me and slap me in the face and so to prevent that I will rather be REAL and self-honest with myself and so I commit myself to practice getting real with myself as doing what is actually best for me and stop putting off the inevitable which is to face myself and my self-honesty of who I am in all that I do

I commit myself to redefining this relationship I have with my body starting with how I choose the foods I eat as beginning to check in with my body to see what will best serve and nourish my body and so actually best serve and nourish me

Artwork By: Andrew Gable

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