Kristina's Journey to Life

There are some patterns I've seen throughout my process that have recently emerged again and I wanted to address them here.  One of them is my seeking and consumption of information. This is generally in relation to the Desteni Material and other channeled material that I've enjoyed in the past few years.  Now, from my perspective, there is nothing wrong with enjoying information/material shared by others, especially if/when it is to support yourself in your process of self-realization.  The starting point is the key and one question can reveal the starting point. Why am I consuming the information?  The experience of self can also reveal the starting point. Recently I started to feel overwhelmed and confused and lost a bit and with every interview/recording/article I would hear or read, I felt even more uncertain about myself. After talking with my partner about this, he mentioned, "you have been consuming a lot more information lately."  Indeed I have been and...

April 22, 2020 After 10 years I am still practicing perfecting this flow and consistency with blogging, to fulfill this commitment of the 7 years journey to life. We have a long way to go and I’m still here. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create consistency in my flow as my sharing as my blogging as my expressing I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drop the ball on blogging where I let time go by where I am not directing myself to share me as my blogs I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I made a commitment to walk this 7-year journey to life – to write a blog for 7 years and that this point is still here I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize just because I drop something or stop something for a moment I was directing doesn’t mean I can’t pick it back up and the only reason I don’t is excuses I give myself to excuse me from fulfilling the commitme...

April 9, 2020 I finished my 2 nd semester of the paralegal program. It was another semester of struggle – lots of resistance to the materials and the time it takes to actually study and do the work. I know I didn’t do my best and it exposed this pattern of mine to give up at the end. I attempt to ‘do it all’ - all being that which I resist all semester, saved to the last minute. And when I face the reality that it’s not practically possible, I give up. So – this is a pattern. Going into the semester confident and prepared to be perfect and slowly but surely losing the momentum and steam and end up sinking and feel as though I failed.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of prioritizing my studies I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my school work during the week and want to and end up putting it off to the end of the week/towards the time things are due I forgive myself that I have a...

I had another moment this week where a co-worker corrected my work – again I wasn’t slowing down and ensuring my work was complete. I started to react but I could see where I created it – it wasn’t my co-worker trying to do anything, it was me missing the work. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when a co-worker corrected my work in front of my boss in fear my boss would be upset and think I’m not a good worker I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a co-worker talking badly about me to others about the work that I do I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a co-worker for doing something I imagined her doing, not something she actually did as far as I know I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, in realizing the problem and the solution to me reacting to a co-worker, still not apply the correction/solution and instead continue to move too fast and not pay attention to...

Tuesday, April 7, 2020 Today I reacted to a co-worker because I sent some document drafts and my co-worker responded with her ‘review’ and it was questioning why things were in there, and basically giving me the corrections needed. I reacted in that moment because I thought how she gets off on that – and I imagined she would talk shit about me later. I could also see how it was my lack of due diligence that caused so many corrections needed and I could see how my co-worker lives the word integrity. With her work – she does the nitty-gritty work and ensures her work is sound. I don’t and I can see where I would then react to her. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A in thinking and believing she wants me to make mistakes I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A in thinking she is a goodie two shoes and does everything for praise I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Afor my mistakes in...

Throughout the past six or so years, I have always been optimistic about humanity, and our relationship to ourselves, to this earth, and to the animal kingdom, to each other, to this existence as a whole... I saw there would be a change, eventually, perhaps slowly but surely. I never believed we would never not 'make it' or not change our ways... I saw potential . Recently I have seen less and less of this, and more of my own helplessness in relation to what this world and the mind of people has become. Though I realize I am not empowered in such a hopelessness and judgment and that I must focus on that which I do have the power within - which is me - to ensure I am doing/living/expressing everything I can in each possible moment to be the best version of me. I would only experience helplessness if I wasn't doing something to support myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless towards others and this world I forgive myself tha...

Today I traveled from Vancouver, BC to Minneapolis - my home town. I have been doing a lot of flying the past few years, since my partner was living in Canada while I was still living in the US, we would make trips back and forth at least twice a year. Since I've moved to where he lives, I've traveled home twice in the past year and a half to visit with family. That is a lot of travel. A lot of planes. And the more time I travel on the planes, the more I see this fear slowly creeping in of planes/traveling on planes. The habit I've created the past three years has been to go to sleep as soon as I get on the plane - like immediately. No messing around, no wasting time, go to sleep as soon as I'm situated in the seat. And then 'hopefully' sleep through the entire plane ride. Often I would tell myself it's because it makes the trip go faster, or I've stayed up late the night before due to excitement for the travels, so I am sleepy on the plane. A f...

I started writing about another point this evening, and experienced a wall in front of me... a hurdle I had to get over, a stuck-ness that I had to remove before I could continue. The following is the pushing of myself to 'get it out', as whatever was 'here' that was bothering me and keeping me from writing and self-forgiveness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the point in which I’m working on now – thinking and believing it’s not the ‘actual point’ and there’s something else I should be writing about I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as my words, as my self-forgiveness, instead of pushing through the reactions as judgments and allowing to flow from me what is here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within process – in the points I face, comparing them to others and that somehow my process is not interesting enough, or insightful enough or worthwhile en...

My experience with being a Bully. When I was quite young, my cousin and I, who were less than a year a part, spent a lot of time together. We basically grew up as sisters. I would spend a lot of time at her house, and with this was the experience that ‘she was the boss’. Now, while I was the older one, this experience of her being bigger, or stronger or the authority of me while at her house was ever present. I never liked the experience, though for whatever reason I felt as if I had to check with her before I did anything, like get a snack or play with a toy or go to different part of the house. So while she never, as far as I recall, outwardly express this ‘bully-ness’ towards me, I felt within myself that I was being bullied… that she was the authority and I had to do what she said, and it was an experience of fear, like she could harm me in some way if I did not follow her rules. Then there was this moment when we were out front playing in the yard. She had a bicycle,...