Kristina's Journey to Life

Continuing with the self-commitment and corrective statements in relation to my  previous blog ... When and as I see myself approaching daily blogging within a starting point of getting it done as quickly as possible, and wanting to get it over with as soon as possible, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is due to me not directing myself through a resistance to daily blogging and so accumulated this resistance that then influence how I approach it when I do decide to write a blog. I commit myself to realizing and understanding that this is my creation and consequence of what I accept and allow as a resistance as well as committing myself to re-direct my approach/starting point of blogging to be that of slowing down, and allowing myself to embrace the moment as me writing through breath When and as I see myself writing a blog within the speed of my mind, as simply pulling knowledge and information out of me, to place the words as quickly as possible,...

To continue form yesterday’s blog – the main points being a reaction I saw of self-judgment consisting of blaming myself for being a ‘cheerleader/motivational speaker’ that speaks nice words, but are not grounded in physical reality. Further in my writings , seeing that this reaction was stemming from two sources – first being that I do not allow myself to stop , breathe and slow myself down as I write my blog, instead I generally grab a point or topic I can write about and quickly get it done as fast as I can, like pulling of a band-aid or something. Which is funny, because blogging is not such a painful experience, yet I do see how a resistance formed to daily blogging has in a way influenced my approach to it, which is get it done and through it as quickly as possible. As if that is the point – to just produce the blog. When in reality the process as a whole, each moment as each word, is what matters. And since I am just usually rushing through the writing process, I am not ‘h...

In the moments before coming here to write, I had a resistance to it. The resistance was in the form of a judgment of myself, for how I saw myself today not breathing effectively, as bringing myself back to my breath. Yet this is a real negative perspective on my part, as only looking as certain moments where I 'fell' and gave into certain thoughts , back chats and reactions. Yet there were other moments, where I did stop and breathe and not allow myself to follow the mind movement I was experiencing. So why do I focus on the self judgment and not how I did support myself? More specifically in relation to this judgment as a resistance to writing, it was within the context of holding myself accountable, as I felt I wasn't today and so did not want to share that in my blog, because I was ashamed. This was not a strong emotion of shame, yet it was there and enough to produce thoughts as ways to justify why I shouldn't write and contemplating how I could excuse mys...

WRITING: Recently I have experienced the feeling of guilt in relation to my father. He has recently moved back into town and not had the easiest experience. There was some time where I was not communicating with him and had no desire to do so. I was angry at him for not being in my life and for coming back and angry for thinking he was expecting that I should just be there for him and have a relationship with him. When I would hear things about what was going on in his life – I would feel guilty. As I took the responsibility for how is life was going – what was happening to him. I knew he just wanted to be close with me and have me in his life and because I wasn’t doin that – that was the reason he was have a hard time in life. And so within this – wanting to hang out with him out of guilt – guilt for not talking to him, guilt for not spending time with him – guilt for what was happening in his life and even for ‘who he is’ within all of it. Like he might not be supporting himself ...

Here I am walking myself through self forgiveness of the situation I laid out in writing yesterday, so read for context . I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘standing up’ for myself as myself when in positions of authority and responsibility I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acting in ways that are best for all such as being responsible and accountable for positions of leadership, wherein I have been given authority to be a leader and set an example, and fall short within fearing how others will see me and fear them judging me I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not good with being an authorative figure I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not good at standing up for myself within positions of responsibility and leadership I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as weak I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conne...

Tonight at work – I saw an experience of fear, justification and resentment play out. I was on a closing section – and so my responsibilities are to make sure everyone else is responsible for their specific responsibility during the work shift. Yet – I have always had difficulty ‘standing up’ and speaking up about these points – as authority has never been my ‘thing’. I fear people judging me for attempting to assert my position of authority – because that is what I do to others – judge them or have back chat about them for attempting to be an ‘authority figure’. Not always – but I have and can see why I fear people doing this to me – because I’ve done it. Usually when I get to work – I start doing what needs to be done to cover everyone, and myself so that we have everything we need. “setting up for success” as we call it in our business. While doing this – I saw the list was up already for who was responsible for what during the shift. I mentioned to a couple of people, “do you k...