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Showing posts from 2020

679: Purifying Words: Mother

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May 23, 2020A point that opened up recently in relation to being/becoming pregnant and having a child (if you haven't heard my story about being pregnant/becoming pregnant - see here, or here, or here) is the fact that I have not yet redefinedthe word Mother for myself yet. I did not actually ever consider this, which is kind of weird to me. Here I am trying to conceive a child and wanting to enter into this phase of my life as being a mother and I have not considered who I am in relation to this word now and who I want to be as a living expression of mother. So I see this is a point I can open up and start to investigate and discover for myself how I have been living this word and seeing if it is in fact aligned to principles I want to live/apply in my life. Obviously the first point that comes up when I look at the word is interesting this word that I have been connecting to the word mother as of recently (again – didn’t put two and two together to realize this is the word here …

678: Why I Avoid Interacting with Others

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May 20, 2020Here I share some self-forgiveness on a point I see within me of wanting to "keep my distance" and avoid interacting with too many people. If I had it "my" way, it was be just me and my partner and our dog hazel and I wouldn't have to spend time with anyone else. Not because I don't like others but because I often have lots of reactions when around others - insecurities, comparisons, competition, judgments, uncertainty, paranoia even... it's a mess that I'd rather avoid. Though - the avoidance is actually me accepting a limitation within myself, defining myself as these reactions because in not changing them, I am saying "this is who I am" and that is a person in fear and conflict and separation of others? Obviously not my full potential so some dismantling of this must happen...I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the reason I have in a way isolated myself throughout…

677: Positive Affirmations Delays the Inevitable

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May 18, 2020You have to watch my vlog to have more context for the following self-forgiveness. 

Essentially - who I am in my garden is who I am in myself and my own mind. There are lots of weeds that need to be removed - lots of destructive, judgments, spiteful thoughts that do not exist in what is best for all or in the best interest of me. Those must be removed and Forgiveness is the tool.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to dig deep to get the roots of the weedsI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to put in the work and labor to dig deep in pulling out roots of the weeds in my gardenI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get to the fastest desired result of no weeds in the garden by putting woodchips over them to suppress the weedsI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that suppressing is changing instead of realizing suppressing is only delaying the…

676: Wanting More Time but Refusing to Create it

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May 6, 2020A point here of nearing my bedtime but having so much I still want to do. I then react to myself not getting to everything but refuse to consider staying up later to get to all the things due to a fear of being tired in the morning. Where's the directive principle, am I right?I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and anxious when I do not get to “all the things” I wanted to do as an expectation I put onto myselfI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure if I do not get to “all the things” I wanted to do instead of considering the practical reality of what I am able to do rather then what I want to doI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the time it takes something to do as a point of blaming it for taking “too much time” and keeping me from doing the other things I want to doI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for talkin…

675: Learning What it Means to Express Me

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April 28, 2020 I am learning what it means to express myself in a moment. I have only begun to consider and realize what this means for real... to speak from a nothingness. No fear, worry, or desire, only me here in/as/with the moment and what is required to be shared/expressed to support the moment and all involved as what is best for all. This is something new for me. Often my instinct is to doubt and question myself - to not trust myself - to assume the worst of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak my self-honesty in moments due to a fear of how others will react and so instead, suppress me and turn it into a reactionI forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see when I suppress my expression and how that turns into a reactionI forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand when my expression is wanting to come throughI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condi…

674: I Made a 7-Year Commitment

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April 22, 2020 After 10 years I am still practicing perfecting this flow and consistency with blogging, to fulfill this commitment of the 7 years journey to life. We have a long way to go and I’m still here.I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create consistency in my flow as my sharing as my blogging as my expressingI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drop the ball on blogging where I let time go by where I am not directing myself to share me as my blogsI forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I made a commitment to walk this 7-year journey to life – to write a blog for 7 years and that this point is still hereI forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize just because I drop something or stop something for a moment I was directing doesn’t mean I can’t pick it back up and the only reason I don’t is excuses I give myself to excuse me from fulfilling the commitmentI forgive my…

Day 673: Repeating the Perfection to Failure Pattern

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April 9, 2020 I finished my 2nd semester of the paralegal program. It was another semester of struggle – lots of resistance to the materials and the time it takes to actually study and do the work. I know I didn’t do my best and it exposed this pattern of mine to give up at the end. I attempt to ‘do it all’ - all being that which I resist all semester, saved to the last minute. And when I face the reality that it’s not practically possible, I give up. So – this is a pattern. Going into the semester confident and prepared to be perfect and slowly but surely losing the momentum and steam and end up sinking and feel as though I failed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of prioritizing my studiesI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my school work during the week and want to and end up putting it off to the end of the week/towards the time things are dueI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed …

Day 672: Justifying a Lesser Version of Me

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I had another moment this week where a co-worker corrected my work – again I wasn’t slowing down and ensuring my work was complete. I started to react but I could see where I created it – it wasn’t my co-worker trying to do anything, it was me missing the work. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when a co-worker corrected my work in front of my boss in fear my boss would be upset and think I’m not a good workerI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a co-worker talking badly about me to others about the work that I doI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a co-worker for doing something I imagined her doing, not something she actually did as far as I knowI forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, in realizing the problem and the solution to me reacting to a co-worker, still not apply the correction/solution and instead continue to move too fast and not pay attention to the finer…

Day 671: Integrity and the Finer Details

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Tuesday, April 7, 2020Today I reacted to a co-worker because I sent some document drafts and my co-worker responded with her ‘review’ and it was questioning why things were in there, and basically giving me the corrections needed. I reacted in that moment because I thought how she gets off on that – and I imagined she would talk shit about me later. I could also see how it was my lack of due diligence that caused so many corrections needed and I could see how my co-worker lives the word integrity. With her work – she does the nitty-gritty work and ensures her work is sound. I don’t and I can see where I would then react to her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A in thinking and believing she wants me to make mistakesI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A in thinking she is a goodie two shoes and does everything for praiseI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Afor my mistakes instead of taki…

Day 670: Distractions, Pregnancy, and How to Communicate with the Body

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Written Monday, April 6, 2020Today the living word I was intent on living was Integrity. Part of this was in relation to who I am as now working from home – realizing there is the potential to become more distracted and less focused and for me, the point was to remain and live integrity as a principle of who I am and doing onto my employer as I would have done unto me if I were them and that is to have my employee remain focused within the time I’m paying them. I was mostly satisfied throughout the day until the end of the day where I got a bit more distracted. However, there was quite the improvement and I saw how in setting the intention to LIVE integrity in relation to my work, it supported in moments when I was distracted or wanted to be distracted. So I’m hopeful it will continue to support as I will continue to work with the word integrity. I am a bit distracted now because I want to know if I’m pregnant. I am still just under 2 weeks away from getting my period so I won't k…

669: Fear Programmed into Women

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Today while I was at work – alone on a Sunday due to the Covid19 “situation” as we are calling it – I kept having moments of fear and panic come up as I was ‘alone’ in this office. Despite it being early in the morning to the afternoon, I kept having this fear/image of someone being in the office that “didn’t belong” – that “wasn’t supposed to be there”. I feared someone would be lurking/waiting for me and “strike” when I least expected it. I also thought maybe a co-worker would come in and try to scare me. Every sound stood out and I froze, wondering, “is that a normal sound or is that a sound of something being wrong?”I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in my office building in thinking and believing that someone would be there or “get in” that wasn’t supposed to be there and end up harming meI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being raped, attacked and murdered while being alone in my office building because of a…

668: The Real Deal

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Written on January 1, 2020
One of my goals this year is also a good explanation at why there are inconsistencies with my sharing via blogs, vlogs, and in general social media posting. 
When things are 'well' - when I feel relatively stable and clear-minded or happy even, it's easy to share and it's easy to rant and rave about the benefits of self-will and self-directiveness. 
When I am having major reactions, or I'm more emotional and can't seem to find my footing - I go silent. In this case, my silence is loud in expressing that I'm having a challenging time. 
So for the year to come my goal is to push through the challenging times and create more of a consistency in my sharings. I think one of the downfalls and cons of social media is that we often share the pretty picture, the nice sunset, the vacation shot that looks like another day in our day to day living and so everyone starts to think these picture-perfect moments are the majority of our life. When…