Day 670: Distractions, Pregnancy, and How to Communicate with the Body

Written Monday, April 6, 2020

Today the living word I was intent on living was Integrity. Part of this was in relation to who I am as now working from home – realizing there is the potential to become more distracted and less focused and for me, the point was to remain and live integrity as a principle of who I am and doing onto my employer as I would have done unto me if I were them and that is to have my employee remain focused within the time I’m paying them.

I was mostly satisfied throughout the day until the end of the day where I got a bit more distracted. However, there was quite the improvement and I saw how in setting the intention to LIVE integrity in relation to my work, it supported in moments when I was distracted or wanted to be distracted. So I’m hopeful it will continue to support as I will continue to work with the word integrity.

I am a bit distracted now because I want to know if I’m pregnant. I am still just under 2 weeks away from getting my period so I won't know for a bit and I’m feeling quite impatient. I just want to know now! And I’m looking up different videos about fertilization and implantation and the process and how the cycle works and when you can know and what to look out for… I just want to consume myself in it until I know. Even though I think I know. I had a moment of doubt today because I learned that just because an egg gets fertilized doesn’t mean it will implant in the uterus. So it’s interesting because on one hand I’m learning so much about the cycle and how the whole process of becoming pregnant is like, on the other hand, the information is making me doubt or giving me hope. I’m relying too much on external information to tell me how to feel about this. Despite knowing how I feel obviously – I want to be pregnant, I am not letting go and trusting the process and being patient with the process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to watch videos about fertilization and implantation and being pregnant as a way to consume myself with the idea of being pregnant in the hopes that I am pregnant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set my hopes up so high for being pregnant and to believe I am based on knowledge and information from outside of myself without realizing I may not be and then what?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to sources of information outside of myself as the guide to tell me who I am and how I should feel about who I am and where I am in my life – instead of realizing all the knowledge and information exists inside of me as my flesh that is the substance of life that is equal to and one with all substance of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the substance of life that I look outside of myself for information and knowledge to tell me what to experience and to tell me who I am and who I’m going to be instead of deciding that for myself HERE as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient in not wanting to wait to find out if I’m pregnant but to rather gather all the information I can about what to look out for to determine of I’m pregnant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from the moments in my day in thinking and distracting myself with being pregnant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question and think about every little cramp for the feeling I have in my abdomen

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to create a communication with my body as my source of information

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that only through quieting the mind, silencing myself in the present moment, will I be able to hear my body – I have to listen (silent) to be able to HEAR (here)

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to HERE myself as my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust sources outside of my body to tell me what’s going on with my body instead of developing that communication with my body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me and my body the opportunity to get to know each other and thus develop communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend more time communicating with myself and my fears and worries and concerns and thoughts in my mind than with my physical breathing, the body that is actually alive and here always with and as for me in supporting me to LIVE and be here

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to honor me as my body in hearing it out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot develop a relationship with my body instead of realizing that just because I haven't’ doesn’t mean I can't

When and as I see myself looking for videos and knowledge and information outside of myself as a source to tell me if I’m pregnant and what’s going on inside my body, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in this I am distraction I am keeping myself from HEARING (here-ing) the actual source in which can tell me about my body which is my body itself and so I commit myself to silence the mind as the seeking for external sources of information to tell me “what to expect” and “what’s next” and to rather become quiet and still to hear what my body has to say

I commit myself to develop a communicating with my body

I commit myself to realize I can communicate with my body

I commit myself to see, realize, and understand the universe that is my physical body

I commit myself to explore and get to know the universe that is my physical body

I commit myself to trust the universe that is my physical body

When and as I see myself wanting to know more about pregnancy systems and the cycles of creation, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am not being patient and am wanting this process to move faster than it practically phsysically does and so I commit myself to slow down in those moments and bring me to the breath as the stepping into the body and so the present moment and out of the future as a projection of where I want to be or what I want to create

I commit myself to slow down in time

I commit myself to breathe with/as my body

I commit myself to realize breathing is hearing/listening to my body

I commit myself to stop wasting my life by looking to the future

I commit myself to take advantage of what is HERE as this moment

I commit myself to cherish each present moment


 


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