Day 670: Distractions, Pregnancy, and How to Communicate with the Body
Today the living word I was intent on living was Integrity.
Part of this was in relation to who I am as now working from home – realizing
there is the potential to become more distracted and less focused and for me, the
point was to remain and live integrity as a principle of who I am and doing
onto my employer as I would have done unto me if I were them and that is to
have my employee remain focused within the time I’m paying them.
I was mostly satisfied throughout the day until the end of
the day where I got a bit more distracted. However, there was quite the
improvement and I saw how in setting the intention to LIVE integrity in relation to my work, it supported in moments when I was distracted or wanted to be
distracted. So I’m hopeful it will continue to support as I will continue to
work with the word integrity.
I am a bit distracted now because I want to know if I’m pregnant. I am still just under 2 weeks away from getting my period so I won't know for a bit and I’m feeling quite impatient. I just want to know now! And I’m looking up different videos about fertilization and implantation and the process and how the cycle works and when you can know and what to look out for… I just want to consume myself in it until I know. Even though I think I know. I had a moment of doubt today because I learned that just because an egg gets fertilized doesn’t mean it will implant in the uterus. So it’s interesting because on one hand I’m learning so much about the cycle and how the whole process of becoming pregnant is like, on the other hand, the information is making me doubt or giving me hope. I’m relying too much on external information to tell me how to feel about this. Despite knowing how I feel obviously – I want to be pregnant, I am not letting go and trusting the process and being patient with the process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
want to watch videos about fertilization and implantation and being pregnant as
a way to consume myself with the idea of being pregnant in the hopes that I am
pregnant
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
set my hopes up so high for being pregnant and to believe I am based on
knowledge and information from outside of myself without realizing I may not
be and then what?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
look to sources of information outside of myself as the guide to tell me who I
am and how I should feel about who I am and where I am in my life – instead of
realizing all the knowledge and information exists inside of me as my
flesh that is the substance of life that is equal to and one with all substance
of life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
separate myself from myself as the substance of life that I look outside of
myself for information and knowledge to tell me what to experience and to tell
me who I am and who I’m going to be instead of deciding that for myself HERE as
myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
be impatient in not wanting to wait to find out if I’m pregnant but to rather
gather all the information I can about what to look out for to determine
of I’m pregnant
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
separate me from the moments in my day in thinking and distracting myself
with being pregnant
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
question and think about every little cramp for the feeling I have in my abdomen
I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed
myself to create a communication with my body as my source of information
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself
to see, realize, and understand that only through quieting the mind, silencing
myself in the present moment, will I be able to hear my body – I have to listen
(silent) to be able to HEAR (here)
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself
to HERE myself as my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
trust sources outside of my body to tell me what’s going on with my body
instead of developing that communication with my body
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself
to give me and my body the opportunity to get to know each other and thus
develop communication
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
spend more time communicating with myself and my fears and worries and concerns
and thoughts in my mind than with my physical breathing, the body that is actually
alive and here always with and as for me in supporting me to LIVE and be here
I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed
myself to honor me as my body in hearing it out
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think and believe I cannot develop a relationship with my body instead of
realizing that just because I haven't’ doesn’t mean I can't
When and as I see myself looking for videos and knowledge and
information outside of myself as a source to tell me if I’m pregnant and what’s
going on inside my body, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand
that in this I am distraction I am keeping myself from HEARING (here-ing) the actual source in which can tell me about my body which is my body itself and so I
commit myself to silence the mind as the seeking for external sources of
information to tell me “what to expect” and “what’s next” and to rather become
quiet and still to hear what my body has to say
I commit myself to develop a communicating with my body
I commit myself to realize I can communicate with my body
I commit myself to see, realize, and understand the universe
that is my physical body
I commit myself to explore and get to know the universe that
is my physical body
I commit myself to trust the universe that is my physical
body
When and as I see myself wanting to know more about
pregnancy systems and the cycles of creation, I stop and I breathe. I see,
realize, and understand that I am not being patient and am wanting this process
to move faster than it practically phsysically does and so I commit myself to
slow down in those moments and bring me to the breath as the stepping into
the body and so the present moment and out of the future as a projection of
where I want to be or what I want to create
I commit myself to slow down in time
I commit myself to breathe with/as my body
I commit myself to realize breathing is hearing/listening
to my body
I commit myself to stop wasting my life by looking to the
future
I commit myself to take advantage of what is HERE as this
moment
I commit myself to cherish each present moment
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