Kristina's Journey to Life

A point of seeing where I am willing to take responsibility only up to a certain point and where expectations and definitions still exist towards others... "for them to do their job" and to "stop creating consequences for me". I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the statement "that's not my responsibility" I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to step up and step in where I am needed I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to take on more responsibility within myself when I see a point is needed, yet I say "that's not my job" and so stick within my own position of not being willing to extend a helping hand as helping the group as a whole I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do their job/take their responsibility, especially so that I don't have to do more work or take on more respons...

To start - a little update from yesterday's blog . Today I noticed the point come up again in regards to thinking about a topic. for my blog but instead of worrying about it, or becoming anxious on what I would end up writing, the correction immediately came up - specifically what I wrote about yesterday in terms of how I could change this reaction , and rather deal with it constructively. So while I thought about what I could write a blog about before it was time to even write a blog, there was no emotions attached  it it, and right away I told myself I will think of it in the moment - when I actually sit down to write a blog. Deal with it when the times come, and so now let it go. And I was able to. So that was quite a cool point in terms of having that correction 'in place' to support when the thoughts about a topic to write about came up again. Awesome to see so directly how those corrective statements do actually support - like a real time reference. One point t...

Let's continue from the previous blog : "It’s not really ‘them’ I am bothered by for not speaking direct to people, and instead talk behind their backs. It’s ME bothered by the fact that I cannot do that myself. And why? Because of fear… avoiding conflict, imagining harsh reactions that I may cower from. Fear of standing by my own insights, realization and understandings…." I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively when hearing others talking about people who are not around/in the environment as a point of gossip I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame those that gossip/talk about others who are not around as being unfair and nasty because those they are talking about are not there to speak for themselves or address what is being said about them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame those that speak about others as having nothing important or valuable to say, and so t...

One of the most valuable things I have learned since walking the Desteni Process... the one thing that gave me the ability to stand up for myself... the one thing that gave me a purpose I was complacently waiting for throughout all of my life ... the one thing that allowed me to see the real power I actually have... the one thing that I use to develop self empowerment.. .the one thing that changed my life, my perspective of myself, my perspective of this world... the one thing that changed the way I lived my life... the one thing that gave me a sense of hope that was more substantial than any positive feeling as it was something I could put into practice within my life, in all areas... in everything that I do... the one thing that gave me back the ability to LIVE.... was the one thing that was always here, yet I was always so busy waiting, looking, hoping it would be given to me by someone, or something... some greater force outside of myself... the one thing I NEVER considered wo...

Today I was all over the place emotionally. The day started with waking and seeing again a moment of choice/decision and within that, fallen. Hitting the snooze button and almost reveling in that. Like satisfied with my desire to sleep in longer and allowing myself to do so. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue accepting and allowing desire in the morning to direct and influence me to hit the snooze button, instead of breathing and embracing my day as physically moving to get myself out of the day and stand within myself, as directive principle, as a support foundation of how I will enter and walk within my day When and as I see myself waking in the morning, hearing my alarm and seeing the moment of choice as to either follow a desire as to go back to sleep/stay in bed or to breathe and move myself to get up and support myself within this first moment of a waking decision of who I can be within/as my day, I stop and I breathe through the resi...

Here we go - writing myself out because even after a couple weeks of writing blogs every day - I am still having thoughts of resistances coming up. Especially here within my personal blog. Everyday I have thoughts of like dreading having to come and write here - and even thoughts of how I have trapped myself, lol. Because I made this commitment to myself to write a blog everyday for at least 21 days, and everyday when I am faced with this point - I resist it, and then think, fuck I have trapped myself because I have to do this - I know there is no valid excuse. When in reality - it's not trapping myself - it's facing myself and holding myself ACCOUNTABLE. Holding myself accountable for the things I say and taking responsibility for what I accept and allow. As I DO NOT accept and allow myself to validate ANY reason/excuse/justification to fall at my walking this writing process - so when they come up... well I should say, I have been accepting and allowing myself to entertain ...

Having let go of this writing process - for no other reason but excuses, I wanted to bring myself back here, push and remind myself Why I am Here. (as writing these blogs). It is simple. It is too easy to get lost in the World - through what we are shown on television and the media, and in through social circles and just everyday life. We are constantly told who to be, how to act, what is acceptable and what is not. I myself, as a Member of Desteni - group of Individuals coming together to bring about Real Change for All in this World, apply specific tools to 'correct' ourselves. Because as we can see - as this Whole World is showing us - we have failed. No - no judgments - yet Self is required to take Responsibility. So why do we write? We write to expose ourselves. We write to expose this World. We write to see who we are as the WORDS we speak - think - live. TO see if they are in fact worthy of LIfe - Equal as LIfe - here. We write to support ourselves. We write to s...

The moment I allow myself to write down what it is my mind is ‘racing’ about – and going over and over again – I experience release – and relief.  It’s like the moment goes from tense and almost a sense of ‘too much’   - to emptiness. Writing, self honestly – what one is experiencing – is allowing self to let go. It’s a way of freeing self from what self carrys as extra weight. It’s a way to see self – self intimacy. Writing allows me to get out what I believe is too much for me to handle. Writing is me pushing myself to change me. Writing is knowing that if I allow myself to see myself as the words that I write – then I am able to change myself. Writing is taking back power.                        Writing is being here. Writing is directing self to become clear. Write yourself out – Writing yourself to freedom. I mean – it’s specific in the words. There is much fr...

Day 18 Just when you 'think' its the most difficult point... Just when you 'think' it's too much... Just when you 'think' you've had enough... Just when you 'think' it's over... Just' when you you believe something about the situation/the person/the reality - You discover, you were wrong. And that you were making it all up in your head. And you Realize... it's the 'breaking point' - the point we want to give up - is where We find the clarity - the freedom - the communication - the truth. Here is where we see for Real. So don't give up. Another point; Just because I am not deliberately doing something - the inaction says it all. "I forgot" is no longer a valid excuse - as I am not even aware of how I am deliberately deceiving myself. Not intentionally putting things off - yet when I look closer, all I see is fear around these points. Another way to hide from myself. Which I no longer accept. ...

Day 17 The Challenge - Facing Self  and taking Responsibility for what you see. THis seeing is given by you or another. Yet the truth is before you. Accepting what you see as the truth of Yourself- this is the most difficult. Yet to take the response ability - is setting yourself free. It is taken the power. But wow - is it hard. What I have to face about myself = the truth of myself - I don't know how to communicate. I only know how to defend myself. My point - in fear of being 'wrong'. As a way to protect myself. My wall built high. It's not 'him' or 'they' or 'her'. IT'S ME. The agreement I am walking - is thus far the most challenging experience. Because it forces me to See myself for Real - as what I allow to exist within myself - who I am in my interactions with him - the games I play, the manipulations I maneuver - sounds like maneur - it's the shit I accept. A load a crap I carry - all to not face myself, as what ...