Kristina's Journey to Life

A point here of realizing the extent to the addiction and automatic habit I've created out of smoking and within that, the realization of the power I have as a creator because as a creator, I've enslaved myself into my own decision and choices. Throughout the years I made a decision in many moments to smoke which created it to become automatic to the point where I don't have to decide anymore, the body/mind/being smokes without the decision needing to be made. It's an established and accepted habit. Now - in making the decision to stop, I have to go against my very own programming that I designed... and finding that very difficult yet also very revealing... a creator trapped in its own creation ... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to reward myself with a cigarette after I finish an activity - as if smoking is the reward I get for completing a task I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the habit through...

Here we go - writing myself out because even after a couple weeks of writing blogs every day - I am still having thoughts of resistances coming up. Especially here within my personal blog. Everyday I have thoughts of like dreading having to come and write here - and even thoughts of how I have trapped myself, lol. Because I made this commitment to myself to write a blog everyday for at least 21 days, and everyday when I am faced with this point - I resist it, and then think, fuck I have trapped myself because I have to do this - I know there is no valid excuse. When in reality - it's not trapping myself - it's facing myself and holding myself ACCOUNTABLE. Holding myself accountable for the things I say and taking responsibility for what I accept and allow. As I DO NOT accept and allow myself to validate ANY reason/excuse/justification to fall at my walking this writing process - so when they come up... well I should say, I have been accepting and allowing myself to entertain ...