Kristina's Journey to Life

Not too long ago I noticed an interesting consideration within myself that I have not seen before, but was oh so grateful for. This was just past the two week mark of no smoking (I am now closing in on the 7 weeks mark) and I noticed this particular point came up to have a cigarette, and within that, an experience of longing and missing - like a feeling of wishing I could experience it again while simultaneously knowing it may never be ever again... and in that, the missing and longing to smoke. At that moment, I realized the commitment and decision was made, and the willingness to walk it, despite how much discomfort and challenge there is, I am giving it my best to change this habit, and so I said to myself, "You are not going to smoke, it's okay, but you are not going to smoke. Just accept that." And it was like a point of gently nudging myself to face the reality of where I am, and in that, face the reality of the discomfort I experience physically in not smoki...

A point here of realizing the extent to the addiction and automatic habit I've created out of smoking and within that, the realization of the power I have as a creator because as a creator, I've enslaved myself into my own decision and choices. Throughout the years I made a decision in many moments to smoke which created it to become automatic to the point where I don't have to decide anymore, the body/mind/being smokes without the decision needing to be made. It's an established and accepted habit. Now - in making the decision to stop, I have to go against my very own programming that I designed... and finding that very difficult yet also very revealing... a creator trapped in its own creation ... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to reward myself with a cigarette after I finish an activity - as if smoking is the reward I get for completing a task I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the habit through...

One of the aspects of stopping smoking for me is stopping suppressions. Smoking was a way to deal with myself in many moments of different experiences and now that I'm not smoking, I am having to learn how to cope with myself in those moments. And so for me, learning how to try something new, willing to reach out when I really want to suppress, and understanding that it's going to take me doing something different to get different results. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be more proactive when I see I am experiencing emotional turmoil and instead want to just 'wait it out' and see if it subsides I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to communicate with others when I am experiencing emotional turmoil as wanting to keep it inside and not share it with anyone and not ask for support when I see I need it I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move myself to do something different than t...

Continuing from the previous blog where I mentioned one of the reasons for me getting up in the mornings was actually something I started to do maybe 6 months or so ago. But first, let me share a little story... There was once a girl named Kristina. Kristina was a heavy sleeper who liked to stay up late and sleep in even later. She worked nights serving tables for more than a decade, so 2am or later bedtime was the norm. Mornings would come too soon and be a struggle everytime she had to get up for something. If she had no plans to get to, don't count on her getting up before 10am. And when she did wake up... be sure to give her at least an hour before talking to her or dare to face the wrath of a beast. Then this girl started changing her ways. She started taking inventory of her life... her thoughts, words , and deeds. She reflected on who she was in relation to friends, family, money, and herself. And she started applying specific tools to change what she saw did not ser...

Lately, I've been practicing slowing myself down even more to a point where I am paying much more attention to who I am in a moment. This is something I have been practicing for years, but more so recently again realizing I have in a way become more automated in that practice, where it's not something I think about much, or consider much as of late - like it kind of gets put to the side as you get busy with day to day responsibilities. So I've re-directed myself back 'here', meaning - taking more moments throughout my day to check in with my breathing and to consider only focusing on myself, my body, my physical actions. Now I've decided to do this because recently I could see, again, a separation between me in this practice, and in allowing that, I allow a lot more shit to go on inside my mind . And for me, one of the big points is how much I focus on others in my reality - what are they thinking, what are they experiencing, analyzing and interpreting th...

To touch base on a previous blog, 540 , I wanted to reiterate the point of how 'what you resist, persists'. When I resist pain such as headaches and take a pill to get rid of the experience , I am essentially giving up the opportunity I have to develop a level of self-intimacy, and self-awareness. Headaches, and pains, as mentioned in my previous blog, don't just come out of nowhere. Often times I can see how I create the pains... how who I am, and what I participate within my mind creates the experience in my physical body. And so rather than investigating what has been accepted and allowed that thus creates an outflow consequence on/in/as the body, we just take a pill to deal with the issue, not realizing there is something deeper to dis-cover. How we allow our patterns of pain to persist is in how we resist DEALING with the actual problems that create the pain in the first place.  Instead of getting to the root of the problem - finding the thought patterns we k...

Through some writings today I realized that while I have been in a way fighting against a particular point I am facing as an aspect of myself and my living , I have not really allowed myself to understand it, I have instead attempted to simply stop it. This is in relation to, of course, resistance. A resistance being something I don't want to do, or avoid, or deliberately don't want to face or address. So I have this particular habit that I have been working with for some time that I have been attempting to stop/change. Though I have found that I am not yet effective to my satisfaction and still allow myself to 'give in' to these particular moments of acting out this habit. And what I realized today is that I am attempting to simply stop it. And the problem here is I am not understanding what is actually going on AS the reason I am acting out this particular habit. The habit being naps and the lack of understanding being WHY I am napping, which I can see for ...