660: I've Reaped what I've Sown

Not too long ago I noticed an interesting consideration within myself that I have not seen before, but was oh so grateful for. This was just past the two week mark of no smoking (I am now closing in on the 7 weeks mark) and I noticed this particular point came up to have a cigarette, and within that, an experience of longing and missing - like a feeling of wishing I could experience it again while simultaneously knowing it may never be ever again... and in that, the missing and longing to smoke.

At that moment, I realized the commitment and decision was made, and the willingness to walk it, despite how much discomfort and challenge there is, I am giving it my best to change this habit, and so I said to myself, "You are not going to smoke, it's okay, but you are not going to smoke. Just accept that." And it was like a point of gently nudging myself to face the reality of where I am, and in that, face the reality of the discomfort I experience physically in not smoking in those moments when I really want to... it was like a moment of giving myself a hug, acknowledging it's a tough phase right now, and it sucks, but also telling myself that it's temporary and to just keep pushing.

It was a really cool moment with myself because I could see this awareness within me telling the 'me' that smokes and has become dependent on this habit that it's time for a change. And the really cool part was the awareness felt stronger than the dependent voice to smoke... while it causes a bit of a ruckus, it really couldn't say anything to convince me to smoke because clearly, I could see the reality of the situation and the nature of my decision and the nature of the process to change and who I am wanting to be... that self-awareness was strong.

To me, this was another amazing reward of the Desteni process. The years I've put it to challenge myself and to change my habits and to question my fears and to push my potentials... to not accept limitations and to strive to be better has resulted in this awareness that came through and was there for me this time. It was me. I was there for me when I needed me to be there... when I faced a moment of weakness, and of temptation. I had established enough self-awareness within myself that it stood in a moment when I really needed it to.

Man, I was grateful in that moment and also kind of in awe at the whole moment as the inner-dialogue and inner-process I went through when that 'want to smoke' was triggered - how I handled myself and how I got myself through that moment was remarkable because it was new and it showed me the inner strength I've developed. I was proud. I am proud of who I am and have become. The sow of what I've reaped.

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