Kristina's Journey to Life

I recently shared that some words I was redefining and living for myself were Creator, Love, and Grace. Someone asked me to expand on how I live those words practically so I decided a blog would be the best place to do so. I'll start with Grace - this is a word that came up in a reading I recorded recently for my YouTube Channel - the point of Grace specifically in relation to a Swan and the feminine body. So for me, specifically at the moment, the word as a practical expression is in relation to my physical body.  As a Swan, I see them so graceful - gliding on water with such precision and elegance. There is such stillness yet fullness to them. Their necks are long and their movements so precise.  The actress Robin Wright is also another example of someone whose physical is the embodiment of Grace, as I see her - with her long neck and such a straight/upright, poised posture, she carries such length throughout her body, which creates what looks like spaciousness. Her movement...

This past week I have been looking at the point of where my "real" responsibility starts.  I have spent the greater part of the last 13 years on social media "putting myself out there" to support myself and others in a process of self-realization. While a majority of it was for me, there was also this dimension/belief that I "should" do it as a point of supporting others. If I'm silent, I am selfish. Morality was for sure a driving force in my participation. I somewhat took this point on about 4 years ago when the starting point of me/my living changed - I allowed myself to explore myself in more areas outside of the main area of focus I had spent the most of my late 20's/30's.  The point that I realized about myself was how much I felt responsible for everything. Literally everything. Every.thing. I was the cause for all the suffering in the world, I was the cause for everyone's lostness, I was the cause for all the torment, greed, and evi...

I noticed a specific point within myself today where I went into a reaction in relation to someone else having a reaction.  Basically, I got mad that they seemed to be upset, inverting, obviously facing some stuff within themselves but I went ahead and made it personal to me as if they were doing something to me.  What is more interesting is I know damn well I have been the one to go into a point wherein I shut down, react, get mad, blame my environment/reality/people around me... I have been the one that is busy processing some reactions within myself, facing some tough experiences internally and so not really able to express or participate in my reality as I normally do... so I've been there. I get it. I know what it's like. And what would I like done unto me if I were in that situation? I would want understanding, space, compassion, support. I would NOT want someone to get mad at me, take my process personally, make it about them, and just add more layers to the points I am...

A point to consider in one's life is that whatever is going on within our mind; whatever it is that we THINK we know about ourselves, or we THINK we are assessing about who we are, our lives, our relationships, our process in general of how we are changing ... cannot, in any way, be trusted. Once upon a time , there was a girl. She had been stable in her life, going to school, going to work, doing what was necessary for herself to ensure she was surviving and even enjoying the time she had with herself throughout her days as she was in the process of getting to know herself and for once in her life, building an agreement within herself as to how she would change herself in this one life she had as she saw the responsibility to making absolute changes within herself that would be best for herself and best for all. She was not giving to much attention to things outside of her control or that she was not within a relationship, which had always been such a prominent desire throug...

Continuing here from the self worth points I have been walking. I started with this acceptance within myself where I stated “I am not good enough, not worthy” and saw how easily it is for anyone to come to such a conclusion in a world where money is valued as what is worthy of/in life and the more you have, apparently the more you are – so I saw how in general, how this world is set up in terms of the economic system – the value system being out of whack as it is – produce such ideas within people. However, I also see my responsibility within this – in accepting this point within myself and thus the self forgiveness and self correction application that must be walked. Okay – so I will continue with the next point I placed for myself in that first blog of this series , where I said, “I accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth and being good enough outside and separate from me here - in a relationship with another” Alright – well this is a big point for me...

Continuing here from the previous blog post, I will walk myself through some self forgiveness and corrective statements as well as commitments I will make for myself in supporting myself to bring myself back to the starting point from which I will move, for/as me/self here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of the priorities within my life because of desire for relationship I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a relationship is more important that that which I can see are priority and important to me in this life , in my life I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to sacrifice that which I want to live in this world just for a relationship with another I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am as the relationship with myself will reflect any relationship I have with another and so I forgive myself that i Have not allowed myself to...

In the last few months I started to really see a change within me with regards to my daily schedule. I started actually giving myself daily direction in terms of getting to and sorting out and completing what was necessary to be done throughout my day. Some points are daily, wherein I have giving myself the responsibility to walk with a group that requires my equal participation in supporting a message that is best for all. This was priority to me. I have been in school, educating myself within the system to provide myself with the means in which have become necessary to move myself in the system most effectively - that was a priority. Going to class, doing my homework and staying active within my schools community as far as tutoring and interacting with my peers. I have a process that I am walking within all of this - a daily self reflection with writing, self forgiveness and self commitment/corrective statements and application - this was my number one priority. This is the ...

Relationships, as they currently exists - fueled by the Mind - are a trap that keep people stuck in a bubble of bliss without any awareness of reality. I know it's easy to 'fall' into this experience of joy where we think the whole world is now complete as 'we' have found something 'worth living for' - yet within this we do not have a clue - not an ounce - of what we are actually doing. While we are stuck in the love illusion - this world continues on without any consideration from humanity - no one sees the starving child, no one sees the raped women, no one cares about the homeless man, no one gives a shit about the brutality of this world - because we are all too busy being selfish in our desires for "love". Love does not exist - we prove it everyday by our inability to change a system that cause so much suffering. Relationships - especially the 'new ones' - are quite specific in keeping one busy in their minds about ' what if...

So what I am realizing is that I have used another for my own self interest – obviously this is not best for all Within this having expectations of receiving something out of an interaction – expecting something from another for myself – also obviously within self interest. So I feel saddened by this and that I did not stop myself. I fell(felt) responsible now for the creation of communication with another and think I have created some unnecessary conflict through the communication. The point of self honesty here is that I was looking to gain something from an interaction with another. Attention, sex and an agreement. And this was based on the way I defined another to be ‘attractive’. Because I defined them as ‘ good looking ’ I sought them out to interact with me, based on ideas as future projections of an agreement, and sex. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another for my own self interest of desire for sex and agreement I forgive myself ...

All day yesterday I was consumed with the desire for attention of a guy – a point of focus I could zoom in on to keep me busy – to keep me entertained. Looking for energy to get me excited and feeling like I want to live. Fuck – that’s sad. I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe the reason for life is the idea of love found between 2 people I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to never question the relationships that currently exist within this world, when we claim ‘love exists’ between 2 people, and yet the world around us shows something else, I never second guessed it and got in line to be the next one up – to win the jackpot that found love in this world, to feel good and not have to face the reality of our existence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the casino system of relationships –where some win big with believing they are in love, and others stay in hope , waiting for their chance to ...