Showing posts from December, 2016

512: Me at Work

One thing I've noticed about myself lately is this lack of awareness while at work. A couple nights ago this was exemplified by the fact that while standing with some people, I took slight movement backwards, and I tripped and fell right on my butt. It was quite the scene too - like overly dramatic was the fall. lol - it was funny, and I did my best not to take it personally, or feel embarrassed, because it was just an accident, it happened.. nothing to do about it now, except notice and question why did I fall? Why was I not aware of what was behind me, why was I not aware of my environment in that moment, and so how to move myself in a way where I wouldn't fall?

This experience shed a light on something I've been slowly realizing more and more, which is that I often lack the self-awareness, and the slowing down within myself, to really take notice, and pay attention to who I am at work - as my thoughts, my words, and my deeds. I've noticed that I require to be an ex…

511: Feeling Improper

Today I noticed another aspect/dimension of an experience I have in relation to a family member. (see previous blog for more context). It was an experience in relation to the words proper, and improper. Obviously one having a positive energy definition to it, the other having the negative definition to it. And within the experience of feeling 'improper' or defining myself as 'improper', I experience inferiority, nervousness and fear.

I felt as if I did not live up to a certain expectation from me as per our social acceptances and allowances, and thus defined myself as being improper. And in this experience of being improper, went into fear, and attempted to 'make right' or 'make light' of my experiences as how I communicated with another. It's like physically I experienced myself as tense, and nervous, and anxious even, yet within that - still attempted to present a 'proper' image of myself as how I thought another expected me to be/behave.