Kristina's Journey to Life

Today I had a bit of an upset stomach after lunch. It came on quite quick after eating, and rendered me immobile for a couple of hours. This is the third time I've experienced this kind of pain in the past two months, this time being the most severe. The reason I am bringing this up in a blog is because while there is the physical symptom of something going on - my body processing something, and causing pain, there is other dimensions existing as well, which is the mental one. Often when I get sick, or don't feel absolutely stable within my physical body - even if it's the slightest bit of being uncomfortable, I usually react quickly. I will get frustrated, and feel like a victim, and feel like I cannot possible move to my utmost, and must simply give in to the experience, and in a way 'fall' within myself, like a giving up . Now obviously if there is physical pain, then yes, I'm not going to be able to perform to my optimum as the body is going through ...

Have you ever had that experience of being the outsider ? Feeling excluded from the group, you just don’t fit it, and cannot connect as seemingly easy as others seem to do? I have. Most of my life , as a child, a teenager, in my twenties, and even now and then I have this experience where I’m just on the outside of what others are ‘in on’. Like I somehow am the one looking in, standing outside of the group, or the conversation. The experience has varied throughout my life. In my twenties I suppressed the feeling by participating in social norms like going out drinking, and going to parties, putting on the facade of creating relationships with others, like I was a part of something, though of course, it wasn’t real and just pretend in a way to deny the actual experience which was when I was alone, or sober, I felt as if I wasn’t a part of anything really. In the last few years an interesting realization came up though. I was standing again in a group setting, where I was a part ...

This morning (Sunday, August 11th, 2013) I had a chat with a Destonian living on the Desteni farm. Our conversation was coming to an end and she shared news with me I thought I would never hear. "Bernard has passed away... his heart stopped." That moment of timelessness carried on forever, as if I was stuck in that moment, anticipating a reaction that would never come. I couldn't believe it... it's couldn't be possible. What words could I possibly express with this expressionless experience I had? I had to go to work. I thanked her for chatting with me and continued on getting myself ready to leave for work. What else could I do? I am still here and my responsibilities remain. As I was gathering my things to leave my house... slowly but surely... the reality as the realization set it... Bernard was gone. I stopped and I cried. I let myself sob like a baby as I realized a Living Example unlike anything else in this world has left. This Man - t...

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking: 181: The Birth of a Bully 182: The Birth of a Bully part 2 183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1 184: Bonding over Names and Shared Interests 185: What we Allow within Inferiority and Superiority 186: Seeing Equality Through Polarity & Dumping Life for Illusion 188: Who I am Within the Decision/Choice I Make So looks here we are into the physical dimension of the experience of myself in the moment of 'dumping' my friend Cristina for a desired definition of myself: Raising the tone of my voice because Cristina did not believe me - so raising my voice as 'getting more serious' so that she will understand that I will no longer be her friend I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my voice tonality within frustration as the reaction to Cristina 'not getting it' wherein she did not actually believe me that I would no longer be her friend and ...

Taking a break from the series I have been walking as the memories within the 'bully character' - here I am going to address a point I saw within/as myself today. Sundays are usually my days of not resting, but in fact doing all the things I am unable to do during the week due to either classes or work. I have been on break from school for the past few weeks. Tomorrow starts a new semester and so a new opportunity to correct myself within who I have been in walking within school/classes. So I am keeping Sundays to be that which I do that I am unable to do during the week - such as laundry and grocery shopping and self work as my DIP lessons and Agreement Course Lessons, and then participating on the desteni forums and generally anything that gets put to the side during the week as obviously school is priority. Today I got about half of the stuff done. Because when it came to the points that I have generally throughout my process have had resistance to, specifically my SRA...

I have opened up this point - of finding out I am the bully that I feared - and while I am busy walking through it - I see thoughts and back chats coming up as reactions to it - not wanting to 'do it' - or complete it - like just wanting to 'free write' about my day or not give myself direction basically in actually sorting out what is here as the memories I have placed - as the whole personality I have developed that is still existing within me of being a bully - so it's like I see this point as "too big" and will take many blogs to complete and yes, so not wanting to actually direct myself, commit myself to actually walk through what I have allowed myself to see. This is not cool because obviously it's an attempt to ignore what is here, and what I have specifically, physically placed for myself to write - so I will apply self forgiveness and corrective statements for myself here as to no longer allow the resistance to walking this point direct me, an...

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking: 181: The Birth of a Bully 182: The Birth of a Bully part 2 183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1 184: Bonding over Names and Shared Interests Defining two 'other' girls in my class as 'cool' Defining the 'cool' girls as superior to me and Cristina I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define two girls in my class as 'cool' and within this attach superiority to them as being 'cool' in seeing them more then me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being 'cool' as being superior and better than others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from girls in my class in seeing them as 'superior' to me as within the definition of being 'cool' I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the validity of such a definition ...

This is continuing from yesterday's blog: Day 181: The Birth of a Bully So yesterday I wrote out a memory that I saw existing within me in relation to an   experience/reaction I was having within myself. It was this fear of being, how I would defined being 'bullied' - that fear of another is 'messing' with me, is not being real with me, is joking/playing around with me at my expense - basically like thinking they are just fucking with me to get a laugh, like deliberately nasty in pretending to be 'cool' with me when they actually are not. So I saw a couple memories connected to this - where I had actually done this in my life and thus now fear it being done to me. So yes, the first memory I wrote in yesterdays blog. The 2nd memory I will write out here. This second memory was from when I was in High School, maybe 10th or 11th grade. I was friends with  a girl, we will call M. She had dated a guy a couple years prior who was now dating another girl, we ...

Last night I was doing my own personal writing, I came across an interesting point. The experience I was writing about was this point of fear - fear of someone making fun of me, laughing at my expense, not being 'real' with me in terms of they were fucking with me - basically pretending to be 'nice' or 'cool' with me but secretly they were making fun of me. I have seen this point come up within me before - but this time I found the memories that were sustaining it. It was so clear - two distinct memories that allowed me to see and realize WHY I was experiencing this point within myself. I found them in asking myself ok, why would I experience this? Where in my life perhaps have I done this to someone or where in my past have I experienced this before. Basically just directing myself through my mind in looking for anything that 'came up' within me in relation to this. And yes, there they were - just waiting to be dealt with. So I will write out th...

Ok - so here I will walk the self corrective statements and commitments I will live in regards to the self forgiveness that I wrote out here . When and as I see myself attempting and trying to find things 'to do', outside and separate from me here, such as responsibilities and projects and actions- I stop and I breathe and I check myself within the starting point as I see/realize/understand that if I am attempting to fulfill myself as I fill my days with 'things' to do - then I am separating myself from the word fulfillment and adding a positive charge/experience to it and so I commit myself to equalize myself within/as the word fulfillment, in bringing myself back to physical reality and out of the mind where I generate positive and negative experiences in relation to how I have defined the word fulfillment - I commit myself to walk fulfillment as who I am here, as I fill myself with/as the breath of life and that which is of actual physical substance - that wh...

I realize I have not yet finished up with self corrective statements for the forgiveness I applied a couple blogs ago - but here I want to hold myself accountable for an acceptance within this Journey to Life Blogs. I have made a point to be consistent in walking my Journey to Life, in blogging daily as a way to support myself in walking out of my Mind and into Life here, basically re-scripting that which is Life, who I am as the living word - what I will live as principles that is best for all. And so while I have committed myself to this commitment, I see days where I do not want to write, but do not want to 'miss' a day of JTL blogging - like wanting to 'keep up' and so I will just write a little bit, but not actually write out a blog and save it for myself for later to complete/write out and then post - and so then using this as a way to keep up and not get behind, yet I see dishonesty within this because I am not actually here as the blog - I am just doing ...