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Showing posts from 2019

667: The Last 10 Years

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Thanks to those that reached out after reading my previous blog - I appreciate your support very much. It was touching to hear from so many of you about what we've been going through.

I did want to share that while the previous blog was perhaps on the heavier side, really laying down the experience we walked in losing the pregnancy, I would like to say that I did mourn and grieve and my ability to share is a reference for me that I am at a place of acceptance and understanding with it. I don't blame anything or anyone and I don't feel strong regret or shame... I've accepted it's happened and allowed myself to embrace it as now part of my journey that I can learn and grow from and share with others to hopefully support them to realize that yes, we must grieve, but we can also turn such tragedies into gifts. 
My ability to grieve and mourn in the way that I did, and in the pace I did, I say gives credit to this process I've been walking for a decade now. This ti…

666: The Meaning of My Miscarriage

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The day before Halloween my partner and I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for 4 months and to our shock and amazement, it had actually happened! And way faster than either of us ever conceived it would have.

Just over 5 weeks later, when we were 9 weeks pregnant and having our first ultrasound we were told the fetus had no heartbeat.

I was told to empty my bladder twice before the technician finally decided to do an internal ultrasound that confirmed what the technician was seeing... there was no heartbeat. The fetus was measuring at an age where there should have been a heartbeat. While the technician wanted to give us the news gently and with some hope that maybe the pregnancy wasn't as far along as we thought, my midwife gave it to us straight that there should be a heartbeat by now. And because there wasn't, this pregnancy wasn't progressing. She insisted if the fetus did not come out soon, we should get medical assistance to remove it.

It was another 2 a…

665: Wanting Another to "Come Clean"

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Here I share self-forgiveness in relation to a reaction I had towards another where I assumed to know they were not coming from the "right" starting point... assuming they were "not clear" in where they were coming from and wanting them to "come clean" as a point of being self-honest about what they were accepting and allowing.... The QUESTion: Where is My Starting Point?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume to think where another person is coming from

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume to know where another person is coming from when they say something, and to react to what they say and want them to 'come clean' about where they were coming from instead of realizing I was coming from a specific place... from the past where I based who a person was in their past on who they are now - ASSuming they have not changed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume peopl…

664: Update On Me and Realizations from Inner Views

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Hi all!
I know - it's been a few months since I last published a blog. I have some blogs waiting in the wings, I just had not gotten around to publishing until now. That being said, there is a lag in the subject matter so bare with me for a moment. I will do my best to get those waiting on the sidelines up and out and to continue publishing more 'present' subject matter in the near future.
The reason there is such a delay between writing and publishing is that I have taken on some new projects for myself... doing lots more vlogs (which you can see HERE) and editing takes WAY more time than I ever consider. Also, I'm back in school. Just 1 course per semester but still... between that and a full-time job, it takes up most of my weekday evenings and some of my weekends. 
I am patient so you will have to be too. And so without further delay here is the first blog written in regards to Inner Views, the kickstart to getting me back into vlogging...
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663: Resistance, Complacency, and Fear of Failure

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Another blog about resistance... I swear resistances have become the story of my life. My approach recently has been to 'wait it out' instead of being more direct in understanding WHAT exactly I am resisting and why. And so, some forgiveness to get myself moving through the resistance instead of just waiting on the sidelines:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a resistance towards my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in such a way where I resist doing certain things because those things are beyond my comfort zone - they make me challenge my insecurities and self-doubts and self-definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have to just let my resistance to life 'play out' and that eventually, I will 'feel' like doing something again instead of realizing that despite how I feel, I must act - that is me truly transcending

I forgive myself that …

662: The Anxiety Within Me

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In the last 4 months of not smoking, I've noticed a peculiar behavior emerge. It probably did not emerge just in the last 4 months, but it was in removing the habit of smoking that I started to notice and become aware of this other habit I had. And it very much still relates to why I was smoking and reveals more of the reasons behind my smoking.

The habit is when I am talking to someone - on the phone, or in person, I notice this mostly when I'm at work, I become anxious and I reach for food. Most times I've noticed it where I'll reach for  whatever snack, mostly nuts, that I keep at my desk, and it's been obvious to me that it's this anxiety triggering the behavior to reach for food, because often times I'm not hungry, I have not had the thought prior to it about having a snack or anything else. 
Initially, it was just something I started noticing myself doing... I would be talking to someone and all of a sudden I'm trying to talk to them while I have…

661: Reasons for My Blog Silence

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Hi all, happy Sunday.

It has been a bit since my last blog post. I wanted to check in and give you an update on what I've been up to and also refresh myself within blogging.

I started slowing down the blog posts when I quit smoking on March 1 of this year. Initially I was writing through the beginning stages but I found every activity that was part of my "normal routine" was a trigger for smoking so I essentially had to stop my "normal routine" as a point of support - basically just stopping for a while and taking it VERY easy in my reality (meaning - just doing the absolute basics and letting myself watch a lot of Netflix).

It took almost two months to start feeling myself again where I could do my normal routine stuff without feeling like I wanted to smoke after every activity. I am the most comfortable I've been in my day to day living, without smoking, than I ever have been before.

No smoking has been going great. This is probably my 4th or 5th attempt…

660: I've Reaped what I've Sown

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Not too long ago I noticed an interesting consideration within myself that I have not seen before, but was oh so grateful for. This was just past the two week mark of no smoking (I am now closing in on the 7 weeks mark) and I noticed this particular point came up to have a cigarette, and within that, an experience of longing and missing - like a feeling of wishing I could experience it again while simultaneously knowing it may never be ever again... and in that, the missing and longing to smoke.

At that moment, I realized the commitment and decision was made, and the willingness to walk it, despite how much discomfort and challenge there is, I am giving it my best to change this habit, and so I said to myself, "You are not going to smoke, it's okay, but you are not going to smoke. Just accept that." And it was like a point of gently nudging myself to face the reality of where I am, and in that, face the reality of the discomfort I experience physically in not smoking in…

659: Do you Hear what they are Really Saying?

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Here a point where I sometimes find myself annoyed or impatient in moments of communicating with others - not wanting to hear what they are speaking about, feeling like they are wasting my time - especially if I think what they are saying "doesn't matter" or is irrelevant to what we are actually trying to do...

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up my time for others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give others a moment of my time in really hearing them out and being present with them instead of waiting for them to stop speaking so I can move on with what I was doing

I forgive myself that I have  not accepted and allowed myself to be interested in others' words and expressions instead of learning to stop and investigate what matters in matters

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write most people off as selfish and not worth my time as thinking and believing 'they' mostl…

658: Me as The Nature of Capitalism

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Here a point of seeing when I want to create/make/produce more of something as a point of quantity over quality and what actually is then sacrificed in that stance...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to produce quantity over quality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's more important to focus on the quantity of what I produce rather than the quality of what I produce

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I exist as the nature of capitalism wherein it's become more important to produce a lot to sell, buy and consume rather than produce quality products that last the test of time, that exist to support and not to exploit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the nature of capitalism wherein I would rather produce a lot that is easy to consume rather than produce what really matters where the quality become the fo…