666: The Meaning of My Miscarriage

The day before Halloween my partner and I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for 4 months and to our shock and amazement, it had actually happened! And way faster than either of us ever conceived it would have.

Just over 5 weeks later, when we were 9 weeks pregnant and having our first ultrasound we were told the fetus had no heartbeat.

I was told to empty my bladder twice before the technician finally decided to do an internal ultrasound that confirmed what the technician was seeing... there was no heartbeat. The fetus was measuring at an age where there should have been a heartbeat. While the technician wanted to give us the news gently and with some hope that maybe the pregnancy wasn't as far along as we thought, my midwife gave it to us straight that there should be a heartbeat by now. And because there wasn't, this pregnancy wasn't progressing. She insisted if the fetus did not come out soon, we should get medical assistance to remove it.

It was another 2 and a half weeks before I actually, physically, miscarried. What happened to me was called a missed-miscarriage. A regular miscarriage is when the fetus is expelled from the uterus. In our case, the heart stopped beating or never started in the first place, we don't know for sure, but it took a little bit for the body to realize that and release the contents of my uterus.

All I know is we were pregnant for 5 weeks and we were thrilled. Shocked and maybe even a little scared at first, but ultimately honored and ready for a new life. I had morning sickness every day - mostly in the mornings, but sometimes throughout the day and into the evenings. I never had to actually throw up which I was grateful for. I got used to the taste of ginger tea and drinking just 1 cup a coffee a day. I liked knowing I wasn't walking alone... that something was growing inside of me. That he and I did something right and were given the gift of being trusted with Life.

I also formed a lot of ideas. The due date was July 6 and I would be very pregnant by the time I turned 35. Both his and my parents would come for the birth and I would take the 8th month off work to enjoy the last month of pregnancy. I would have a year of maternity leave to look forward to and this would be the last Christmas it would be just the two of us.

But things did not go as we thought or intended. I don't think anyone ever thinks this could happen to them. Of course, I knew miscarriages are more common then people talk about, I just didn't think it would happen to us... no one talks about it. No one talks about having them and then having normal pregnancies. Couples just have them, sometimes not telling anyone, and have to mourn in silence.

We had told our parents a couple weeks before we had that first ultrasound. It was my mother's birthday and I sent her a onesie with a note asking her to hold onto it until the baby's arrival in July. It was a fun surprise that she walked right into. His parents were equally thrilled.

When we got the news that there was no heartbeat I, of course, was devastated. I was heartbroken in a way... I was so looking forward to this new responsibility and this new little being coming into our lives. And you can't help but feel when things turn out this way that maybe you could have done something different... that maybe you did something wrong. That maybe it was your fault or your body is faulty or that thought that you may never be able to carry a child creeps in.

This experience was not at all how I thought this year would go. When my partner and I started talking about children, the potential seemed ripe and we were in the right space and place to proceed. We were nervous but we were willing and wanting to take on the new challenge. We didn't want to shy away from the responsibility - we were willing to embrace it. And while this is not what we anticipated, wanted or expected, it showed me our level of commitment to each other and our willingness to be here for each other. Our partnership and togetherness is the foundation of this new being we will bring into this life and I couldn't ask for a more grounded and stable bond to conceive a child from.

I did not see this in my cards. I assumed our journey to bring new life into this world would be perfect. It had already seemed to be perfect from our initial talks to our actively trying and to our quick conception. It seemed ripe and right and here. And then it wasn't. And what is left is the question about the meaning... why? And what I realized is that the meaning of a miscarriage is what I give it. I give it meaning. Many will say there is no meaning or reason or purpose... it just happens, mostly because the fetus is not developing properly. But what is left is the couple asking why. and for me... I found the meaning. The meaning of my miscarriage was what was left inside of me after the heartbeat stopped. The thoughts, feelings, emotions... the experience, the ideas, the projections, the fears, the doubts, the worries... that was the meaning. A glimpse into another part of my psyche that, without this experience, I would have never seen before. Hidden aspects of myself finally coming into view to see 'who I am' in such experiences.

From here I will continue and share more in blogs to come.

The Journey to Lifers

Take Responsibility for what is HERE in/as this world, within AND without:
Desteni

DIP Lite Course (FREE)

DIP Pro

Eqafe (Self-Perfecting interviews, books, music, etc)

For your Info:

Destonian Wiki

Equal Life Foundation