Kristina's Journey to Life

Today’s experience was pretty similar to yesterdays although I see there was a shift after writing out the points last night and the self forgiveness I went into. However, my experience was still the same in that it is not how I ‘usually’ experience myself, which is here, enjoying myself, having fun – I mean I would say that is my overall experience within process, stable and able to support myself and enjoying the process. Yet yesterday and today there was like this experience of something not sitting right, and I could not place it and I was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged in relation to where I am within my process. Going into a chat with another, it was like a slight resistance but also anxiety because I did not want to communicate, yet it’s also like I was sitting on a point, without knowing it, and so in general my experience is not how it usually is when going into chat. You could call it 'a mood.' Which is how I experienced myself - impending doom. I was not...

This morning (Sunday, August 11th, 2013) I had a chat with a Destonian living on the Desteni farm. Our conversation was coming to an end and she shared news with me I thought I would never hear. "Bernard has passed away... his heart stopped." That moment of timelessness carried on forever, as if I was stuck in that moment, anticipating a reaction that would never come. I couldn't believe it... it's couldn't be possible. What words could I possibly express with this expressionless experience I had? I had to go to work. I thanked her for chatting with me and continued on getting myself ready to leave for work. What else could I do? I am still here and my responsibilities remain. As I was gathering my things to leave my house... slowly but surely... the reality as the realization set it... Bernard was gone. I stopped and I cried. I let myself sob like a baby as I realized a Living Example unlike anything else in this world has left. This Man - t...

Three nights ago I decided to stop, in one moment, an addiction I had been long giving my power and authority to. The dependency I had created to this addiction as something outside and separate from me here was quite extensive from the perspective that I actually FEARED no longer having this point of addiction - and I feared stopping it and the process I had to walk to actually stop it. This fear was the justification I gave myself to not even try - to ignore the addiction I was allowing. I basically suppressed my responsibility and who I was within my addiction as the consequences it created as me within my habit of it. So I stopped this and the self forgiveness I applied for the fears I was allowing grounded me and solidified my decision to stop this addiction. It has been three days since this moment/decision, like I said, and I have been walking since this moment with this anticipation and awe within myself of, "wow - am I really doing this? I can't believe I am doing t...

The other day was my day to moderate the desteni forum. What I saw, and have seen as a pattern – is every time I get to a post that I define as ‘long’ or ‘beyond’ something I can support – I will not moderate or offer any support. What I see within these moments is – looking at the post, then the future projection within my mind is of me taking on each statement/sentence/point that someone has written – and I will be addressing each point. And then within this, the reaction arise that it will ‘take to long’ and then I give up before I even try – or am not at all giving what I have already received –which is the time and support others gave to me unconditionally while I was just starting out walking this process. And so not considering, again others, or standing in their shoes, but only considering myself in the moment. Also I see a point of not trusting myself to actually be able to support – wherein I still define myself as inferior or ‘less then’ others within process, through...

I allowed myself to fall within this point of writing everyday. And have been given myself excuses to only post Journey to Life every other day – or at least that is the pattern I am allowing. Yet I realize the point of this process, and the fact that we are equally walking the same process. I didn’t know what to write about today, and so I took the dictionary and opened it up and looked at the first word my eyes focused on: GANG. I had a reaction come up. “What the fuck – how am I able to write about this word?” I did this because I was giving myself excuses that I didn’t know what to write about, and so I chose to use the support I have been given by others, to just open a book or dictionary and look at a word – see what comes up and write it out. So – I did this and I got ‘Gang’ – and I reacted to this world. I defined it as ‘negative’ and of no use for me in my applying freedom in writing or self forgiveness. Yet – already, within seeing there is a ‘negative charge to the ...

An interesting point I realized within walking FEARS They are ALWAYS based within Self Interest. Whether it's fear of others opinions of me, fear of a tree falling on my house - or fear of something happening to me - it's always about me. About my experience - about my feelings, about how I will react or do react. Fear is just another way we allow ourselves to exist within self interest - and not consider the whole. While we are busy within our own fears of our own survival - we fail to see the bigger picture that shows each and everyone of our fears manifesting. We fail to see what we are creating. So cool to walk through fears - facing the fears we have , as it is a way we take self responsibility for ourselves as this world. And for those that say.... "I don't fear anything" I call your bluff and dare you to be self honest. It is the best gift you can give to yourself as well as getting to a point of realizing what is Best for All. Investigate yours...

This week we as Destonians have began exposing and sharing ourselves within fears we have had throughout our lives. Some of them are funny - just the few I have shared.. I have laughed talking through it - because seeing it now, realizing fear is always self created and allowed, it's just funny to see what kind of things we allow to exist within us, such as fear. Many Destonians have taken on this point .. and a couple of points I want to make about this project. -Many of us, as Human beings, experience the exact same fears. This is a point of equality - how we believe within ourselves we are so different, so isolated, so distant and unlike each other - yet when we are able to be self honest.. we can see just how much we are a like - just how much equality actually exists. -Another cool point about this Project is once I speak about this fear... it's like it looses it's power it had over me. Whether the fear was major or slight, once it is brought up and out and i...

I was going for a walk the other night. It was after 7 and the sun was already down. I do this every once and awhile.. but this time my experience was much different. I was full of fear. Immediately – as I started walking – I kept having thoughts about someone attacking me or hurting me or following me. I breathed through this knowing the experience was self created – but I’m going to investigate it further here. As I was walking down one of the blocks – there was a car about 2 or 3 blocks ahead of me that stopped at the corner and just sat their idling. Immediately the thoughts came up, “they are waiting for me, what if they run out of the car after me, they are waiting for me to get closer to come after me…” because of these thoughts, I allowed myself to act out of fear and turn the corner so that I wouldn’t walk by them, instead I turned and walked away from them. I know there is no reason for me to have such a fear – yet it has been programmed into me since a child. “Beware ...

I recently gathered all my blogs I have published since I started the writing/blogging process . What is fascinating is certain patterns seem to constantly arise within myself - and I was time-looping a point within myself pretty consistently. The point, fascinatingly enough, was about the writing/blogging process itself. Where I was constantly judging myself for not writing and exposing this through writing, then writing for a bit, before I fell again. I would then time-loop again with starting to write, exposing this point of not consistently writing, and then fall again. What I realized within this and is funny now to see - how simple to solution was/is. I wanted and expected of myself to write more within blogs. And in my day to day living. And I was not satisfied with myself when I would not be consistent with it and thus judge myself for not pushing myself, and allow myself to fall within this. I experienced resistance to it - and allowed it - and then allowed myself to j...

Here we go - writing myself out because even after a couple weeks of writing blogs every day - I am still having thoughts of resistances coming up. Especially here within my personal blog. Everyday I have thoughts of like dreading having to come and write here - and even thoughts of how I have trapped myself, lol. Because I made this commitment to myself to write a blog everyday for at least 21 days, and everyday when I am faced with this point - I resist it, and then think, fuck I have trapped myself because I have to do this - I know there is no valid excuse. When in reality - it's not trapping myself - it's facing myself and holding myself ACCOUNTABLE. Holding myself accountable for the things I say and taking responsibility for what I accept and allow. As I DO NOT accept and allow myself to validate ANY reason/excuse/justification to fall at my walking this writing process - so when they come up... well I should say, I have been accepting and allowing myself to entertain ...

"Be a leader, not a follower" This statement has existed in my life for a long time - and only now I see it for what is really is. TO be a 'follower' within this world - is to go with the flow - accept this world the way it is - to not question what is here as what we call life - to 'fit it' and present a personality that does not consider life or who we are in fact. It is to be blind to how this world operates and how each of us operates - but to keep accepting and allowing ourselves to exist in our own separate reality of the mind where we can do anything we want and be anything we want and not face ourselves within this physical reality. As I see this world reflects who each one is. So to be a follower implies you accept this Life the way it is - and do nothing to change yourself or this world. To be a leader - is to dare to question ourselves and this world. TO expose and reveal the actual nature of what is going on and to not stop until all abuse e...

Love. What is Love? When I was a child - and would hear the radio - I noticed a peculiar thing. Everyone was signing about love. And it appeared in a wide variety of ways. Happy songs of Love - sad songs of Love - no matter what though - as a child... I wondered about this thing that everyone seemed to be so consumed by. What is Love? Is Love a feeling? A feeling to have to/towards someone - yet it fluxuates and is never stable - as it changes and alters and turns into other things - such as hate. I suppose this is the relationship defintion of Love - when to people 'fall in love' then 'fall outta love'. So it's like this 'space' we enter. This place we go to where we feel all these wonderful things that completely take us over and we forget about everything else in our world. Love is a drug? It has to be. As it is used to 'feel something' - to have an experience - and it is dependent upon something else; usually another being. How fascinat...

I just completed my lesson for assignment 4 within the Desteni I Process course I am currently walking. I looked at the history of my assignments - and holy shit - I realized/saw that it has taken me almost a year to do these 4 lessons. What I can see looking back is how easily I allowed myself to choose to fall. Meaning - I deliberatly resisted doing the work and gave myself reasons and excuses and justifications within what I was accepting and allowing. What is fascinating now to see however - is once we face enough of our accaptances and allowance - we then are faced with a decision. To either walk or not. TO either face ourselves or not. TO either become self honest within self responsibility - or to continue allowing limitations within ourselves as allowing the mind to dictate and direct us within our lives - allowing ourselves to be a slave to our minds resistances. I've had enough - as I cannot deny what I see I was doing deliberatly - avoiding and justifying and I ...

While participating in one of my daily activities – I found I was giving a lot of attention to one being specifically – and within this I started having fears about what this person thought of me or how another person within their reality thought of me – as I feared they were reacting to me giving so much attention to this one being. And it wasn’t as such as giving attention – but simply happen to be, through the activity I was participating within that it seemed as if I was giving this person more attention. And do I realize this is a self definitions/persecution within myself. So within this – I had fear about how a being was reacting – assumed that they were reacting – and this is also based on self definitions of this person based on past memories and knowledge and information of ‘who this person was’ or what they participated within. Now I can direct this back to myself within seeing that if I were standing in this being’s shoes – this is how I would have reacted. That this othe...