Kristina's Journey to Life

A point here of feeling quite disappointed from a play-out in my reality where the imagination and HOPE for it was completely different, and from that high expectation, the great fall into the negative... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create disappointment, as a super low, within myself because of having expectations as a future projection of how things were going to play out and charge it with extra strength positive energy I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give so much time and energy as an investment into my imagination of something to come and when it was not at all what I imagined and fantasized within me myself, feel foolish and disappointed and literally feel like falling within myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get carried away within my imagination where I took an actual physical reality and imposed my own ideas and desires unto it that was not at all substantiated in reality bu...

I had an afternoon at work where I was so tired... my eyes were heavy, I was so inclined to just close them, and I kept thinking about the moment I could go home and go to sleep. It was an uncomfortable experience because I couldn't go anywhere... and my solution to the situation was to eat candy and drink soda as feeding my body the sweets to get the energy I needed. This is not a real solution - it is a temporary, 'treat the symptom' kind of deal instead of looking at why am I tired, am I giving my body the right foods for it's functioning, getting enough water, getting enough physical activity, getting enough sleep? These questions open up a self-investigative process in seeing where do I need to actually change myself in my actions to change my experience during the day? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the experience of being tired when at work - wherein I sink into that experience, and think about how tired I am, and thi...

Recently I went to the state fair, which in my state of Minnesota, is quite a big deal and is anticipated and rejoiced every year around this time as the 'Great Minnesota Get Together'. And like any fair, rides were a part of the set up. So my sister and I went on a few rides. The last one we went on was quite an interesting experience. It is called Mouse Trap and for the most part, your typically fair roller coaster. Nothing too high or too extreme. Yet I will tell you, coming off the ride I can see where the term 'emotional roller coaster' came from. I felt like I had just come out of the most rocky, turbulent, conflicted experience/interaction ever, like a bad relationship you refuse to let go of. It was like I was dragged through the ringer, been in a boxing match, and was left spent on the side of the road. I felt like I was 'all over the place' coming off the ride, and it's exactly how I can relate to times in my mind and in my life when I have...

Continuing from the previous blog, "Day 325: What Are my Reasons for Wanting Change?" When and as I see myself 'hyping' myself up with positive energy /feelings in relation to implementing changes within myself and my day to day living, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the realization that change is not and should not be about making myself 'feel good' as the reward of positive energy and instead be a decision based in self honesty and self responsibility to who I am and thus how I participate within this world and so I commit myself to stop myself when I see I am going into a positive energy reaction in relation to making/implementing changes in my day and instead I commit myself to walk the physical day to day, moment to moment process that ensures my consistency and stability within the actual point of real change so that it becomes a change that stands the test of time and not just a fad or hype I participate in for a moment to give my...

In the last few blogs I have been writing about this point of self worth and how I have come to accept that it's something I must find outside of myself - either through relationships or fashion or the amount of money I have or don't have. Today was interesting because I saw yet another point within myself in relation to defining my self worth and the experience thereof on something outside of myself. I had class today and the experience of myself before class was that of frustration and irritation - again. That is now twice this week. I could see what I was accepting and allowing within myself that then created this frustration - so I slowed myself down and breathed as to not accept and allow myself to continue participating in the frustration and irritation and instead let it go and bring myself back to myself in the moment. Once I got to class, the professor was handing back a test we took from last week. I recall not being as confident taking that test as I have ...

This blog is continuing specifically from yesterdays blog , where I started the self forgiveness process in relation to the physical dimensions identified within a memory I started walking through lots of blogs ago - the original in the series you can see here . Adrenaline/shaking in my physical after running away from her - in seeing what I had just done, a lot of energy as the fear rushed through my body for actually doing something I thought I could never do - that I 'faced' her in that moment I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy within my body through the acceptance and allowance of myself within this moment of facing Cristina as 'dumping her' - through fearing of having to actually face her, for having to actually face the decision I was making and within the starting point from which I was moving as self interest - and so within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the physical experience...

This blog is in relation to a polarity play-out I have had within myself/my mind , wherein in the past couple years I have had this experience of 'missing' and 'longing for' a past relationship . It is what I would consider obsessive. Thoughts always popping up and running, consuming many moments inside my mind about this past relationship . As of recently - the opposite polarity has shown its face. Wherein instead of having this feeling of "I miss him, I want to see me, maybe... someday..." now it's this "He's not worth it, I'm better off without him." So in allowing this negative feeling of, "I miss him and I feel sad about it", reaching for and creating/accepting this positive polarity energy of "I am better off without him, he's not worth it" and so building myself up in my mind as being better then the experience I had before. So what this point is supporting in allowing me to see is how specifically...