Kristina's Journey to Life

My partner and I watched a documentary the other night about Ed Sheeran. It was really cool to see his creative process as a songwriter. One thing he said in particular that stood out was basically even if he writes a song that he knows is no good , he still writes it and completes is as a point of getting it out of himself. He compared it to an old tap running dirty water... initially, all the gunk and grossness comes out when first opening up the tap then slowly but surely the clean water starts coming out as well until eventually the gunk is all out and what is left is clean, clear water. I could relate to that with a couple new projects I've started working on in the last few months and also with these blogs actually. I have been publishing writings for more than 8 years and on this channel specifically for at least 6 years and I can see all the blogs I've written that I thought were just terrible.... unspecific, not grounded, all over the place, what I would define...

Free. What does it mean to be free? How do you define 'free'? What if you found out how you defined the word free actually enslaved you to an experience that is lesser than your full potential? In some previous writings, it was revealed that I equate being thin with being free and through this I realized free is a word that I can redefine and actually LIVE for myself through my actions and so no longer limit its definition to be only of a picture in my mind of what free is, which at the moment is a specific body type as being thin. If you are new to the idea of redefining and living words, there is a facebook page dedicated to sharing one's process with redefining words, as well as many videos on youtube explaining the process as well. You can check that out here and here . Essentially I came to know about redefining and living words many years ago and was walking a process with it for quite some time, taking on many words that I wanted to live and express mysel...

Imagine someone standing in front of you. They are asking for help. They want you to do something for them, to help get them free.  On their right wrist, there is a handcuff, bound tightly around it. Extended from the handcuff is the metal chain making its way to their right, to the matching handcuff, wrapped around a metal pole. It is forever secure; unbreakable. There is no freeing them without the key.  The person looks at you, pleading with you, begging you to help them. To save them. To do something to free them. Because to them, you are their saving grace. Without you, they will never be free.  As you look into their eyes you see the deep, hidden pain and helplessness, the belief they are forever locked up. You see their urge to break free, to stand as a life fulfilled, they see the hope, their only chance, within you...  You start to glance down toward their left hand. Slowing taking notice of their free shoulder, their free arm, their free wris...

I notice that for most things I do, I have a judgment and/or fear towards it. It could be something I do in self-honesty, or in a point of self-sabotage – the experience remain the same, I am fear of being judged for it. I’ve noticed this has always been my experience, for as long as I can remember. If I wanted to play with a particular toy, or wanted some special kind of food, anytime I would ‘help myself’ to what I wanted – I was in a point of fear… fear I would be caught, or what I was doing was bad, and I would be punished. This is still existent within me when I notice certain things I do only when I’m home alone… if others are around, I avoid doing it. Now of course the judgment towards the behavior changes in degree. Some thing I do, like say I’m in a point of wanting to distract myself with TV series or movies rather than other more important things, I will go into judgment and assume another is judging me as well as doing something ‘bad’. And I realize this is a point ...

Validation. This word has become a positive feedback mechanism wherein we are in this constant search for this illusive point. The problem is we have separated ourselves from living the word validation - instead of it being an expression of who we are - as validating ourselves; accepting ourselves, substantiating ourselves within who we are and how we live, we instead turn to others, to our outside world and environment to give us this point of validation - to confirm to us that we are okay, we are acceptable, and we belong. The consequence of this - a human being lacking any real courage to live for self, to do for self, to express for self, instead we are always looking for someone or something to give it to us. This is where Self ForGIVEness comes in. We must give to ourselves that which we seek from others - that is where the gift is, in seeing what we are looking for outside of ourselves and in turn, gifting it back to ourselves through embracing/giving/living it ourselv...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within this worry that I am being a caring person I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed worry to exist within and as me as a negative energy experience I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed worry to become an emotional experience within me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I worry about others I am actually somehow assisting and supporting them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on other peoples lives within the experience of worry in thinking and believing that somehow my worry will cause a reaction within another and will create some kind of solution for them - somehow justifying or validating the experience of worry within me as being something that will somehow, in someway benefit others I forgive myself that I have accepted an...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to apply self forgiveness here and so instead just want to write, yet within this writing without applying self forgiveness - I find the physical goes into a discomfort wherein the words are not 'here' as me, the expression becomes forced and I see this clearly indicate an image/presentation I am trying to display as a way to deliberately avoid myself, as the reality of myself that is here and instead pretend 'all is well' in not actually taking a look at what is going on and what I am attempting to hide from myself I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide from myself when I come here to blog in not wanting to apply self forgiveness and instead just want to write and within this defining my writing as better then self forgiveness, as I have allowed many times the ego to come out to play, sort to speak, within my writing as a way to display myself as something ot...

Tonight I am looking at this point that I saw within me in the last couple days. I have been busy, up to this point, in my Journey to Life Blogs walking through specific moments, wherein each moment took many days to go through, and so every night that I would sit myself down to write a blog, I essentially would have 'direction' as to what I should write my blog about. So there was no point of "what should I write about?" because I had already laid it out for myself in the previous days/blogs. So while I got closer to walking through all the points, I saw that I would no longer have this point of direction given to myself, already here waiting for me, I would have to be self-directive in my writing in deciding what I am going to support myself with seeing /writing/forgiving/etc. This brought up some slight fear and resistance wherein I went into this point of, "oh no - now what will I write about" and "I don't have anything to write about" ...