451: Owning My Own Authority
This is still existent within me when I notice certain things I do only when I’m home alone… if others are around, I avoid doing it. Now of course the judgment towards the behavior changes in degree. Some thing I do, like say I’m in a point of wanting to distract myself with TV series or movies rather than other more important things, I will go into judgment and assume another is judging me as well as doing something ‘bad’. And I realize this is a point of self-sabotage, because to binge on TV series or movies is a point of distraction - keeping me within a point of resistance, and so it is something I want to hide/keep from others, or not be seen doing it, because it's a point of self-dishonesty. Though this experience of judgment/fear towards what I do is not limited to only the dishonest acts.
For instance… I have just started a juice cleansing and I notice hesitation in talking about it with others, or sharing it openly… like it’s something bad or wrong that I’m doing, or that I will be judged for it.
Now I realize that it all boils down to self-honesty. The starting point implies SO MUCH in terms of who I am within what I am doing, and whether the act or behavior is in fact best for me and supportive. Though I can see, as a general experience of myself, I often have this experience whether it’s a self-honest point or not. So it’s like a point of self-restraint, fear of my own wants or needs, and assuming that no matter what I do, it’s wrong, bad, and I will be punished/looked down upon for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge everything I do as wrong or bad within a negative energy charge
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that no matter what I do, it’s wrong and bad and somehow not good enough to some set of standards, and that overall I will be judged, looked down upon, or punished for doing what I do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as wrong, bad and punishable and to then from within this, assume and project all that I do is equal to that self-definition – what I create is in my image and likeness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hidden blame towards others as ‘they’ are the ones judging me or condemning for what I do and so I restrain myself, instead of taking complete self-responsibility in realizing that it’s MY decision, and MY behavior, and in the end MY own judgments, fears, and ideas. And so I could NEVER assume others think certain things about me, unless I’ve already thought them about myself… and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts about me that are self-restraining, and detrimental, and like a containment wherein I keep myself locked within a specific space that I don’t dare move out of in fear of it being wrong, or bad, or seen as something not cool
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to OWN myself… meaning – to stand absolutely equal to what I do as a matter of fact, without fear or judgment or concern about what others think, but to instead do what I do without apologies or reservations and rather learn from my dishonesty's, and mistakes
I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to act freely as an individual, to express who I would like to be, and to do what I would like to do and instead allow the dictation of my own mind as fears and judgments steer me within what I do, or to be a constant presence, like a monkey on my shoulder, if I do something I fear will be seen as unacceptable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the police man in my head that I’ve given complete authority to, to tell me what to do, what to think, what NOT to do, and how I must feel about what I do and say
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never express freedom as living without fear, to not apologize for what I do or say, or how I express, and to rather embrace ME as who I am currently, and to always remain self-honest about what I do so that I will always know there is no just reason I could ever live in fear of judgment or punishment, as I see, realize, and understand that to live in self-honesty is to live purified and innocent, with always the consideration of what is best for all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to my own ideas of what is right and wrong, what is good and bad, to live in polarity as the morality guidelines instead of investigating ALL things (including myself) and keeping only that which is good (best for all/me).
When and as I see myself judging and fearing what I do or say or express as being punishable, or bad, or wrong, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this fear is based on a self-definition that I am wrong, bad and punishable, and that I then project this idea unto others as what I've done to myself others will do to me as well, and so I commit myself to stop defining myself in detrimental ways and that prohibit from me expressing me as freedom, without fear, and within self-honesty... checking my starting point for all thought, words, and deeds to ensure I am in fact living purified and innocent so that I will always know and be able to OWN who I am in every moment and that I can stand by and live as that which I express as Me
I commit myself to become my own self-authority rather then allowing the mind as fears and judgments to direct who I am as what I express
I commit myself to change me so that what I create, as the image and likeness of me, is in fact best for all... that is always considering what is best for others and myself
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