Kristina's Journey to Life

Today I noticed a point within me wherein I saw something to express - something to say, a perspective to share, a consideration to explore and once I put it out there I slowly but surely began to question and doubt myself. My heart began to race, my mind started to worry... was what I said okay? was it right? will it be challenged or twisted or thrown back at me?  What I noticed was this experience/reaction I was having was in relation to whom I was speaking to, or who was there to see/read my words. I defined this person as superior, as "knowing more" or more "intellectual" and so I diminished at the thought of attempting to stand equal to them in conversation. Because I did not simply accept what they were saying - I in fact saw flaws in what they were saying and so I shared my perspective. I was clear when I shared but soon went into fear.  Apparently this person is more of an authority because of... why? who they are? what they do? who their partner is? where t...

Continuing with a point that's been opening up where certain potentials and responsibilities have opened up to me and while initially, I was hesitant and not really sure how I felt about the direction, I was still moving within and towards it. Another interesting point that I can see here is how although I have had hesitancy and doubt within me within these points, it's like Life is saying, 'Here - you are Ready, Trust yourself because I trust you." And that is quite the consideration... I mean things don't move according to something unspecific or just randomly. I would not be offered the opportunities I have if I was not able to walk it and even though I may fear it, doesn't mean I'm not capable of creating the best from it. It's like even if I doubt myself it's a nice point of support to see Life doesn't doubt me and Life has given me doors to walk through. Obviously it is what I make of it... who I am will absolutely determine how it wil...

I am in a position where I sometimes must delegate tasks and I see within me quite a fear of doing this, especially with certain people... behind the fear is an idea that the person receiving my request will react, become upset and lash out at me. Also behind this fear is a definition I've given to someone in such a position of delegating tasks, wherein I've defined it a certain way, as a negative, and so I then fear others seeing me in that exact same way if I were to be in a delegating position. Both points are accepted and allowed constructs of my mind... and both points can be disengaged, cleared out, and corrected. Let's go! I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be a delegator I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too less of myself to be in a position of delegating tasks and responsibilities to others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to ask someone to do something because...

I have noticed a point within me throughout the years where I cower at anyone that challenges me, questions me, or disagrees with me. My automatic response is to run and hide, or block and delete. I have come to accept the idea that I don't like confrontations, the other person is probably right , they will outsmart me, and that my fear is greater than me. When I'm questioned, challenged, or someone disagrees with me, I go into fear... fear that I'm not strong, the other person 'called me out' and I cannot possibly stand my ground, face this other person, and engage in a discussion that could clarify my position that they seemed to challenge in the first place. Recently someone called me out... challenging something I shared and not having the same opinion of it that seemed to be the majority. And while I wanted to run, delete, block and say fuck off... I rather looked at the reasons why I always run away. What am I afraid of? And more importantly what is her...

I've been experiencing a lot of fear lately in relation to Hazel, my dog. Often times when I walk her, I fear running into a 'bad dog' or a dog off leash, that is away from its owner, and will basically come and attack Hazel. This has been exemplified a bit by some recent encounters on our walk where a dog got out of its house and ran towards her... not in full-blown attack mode, but definitely had a growl and went straight for her like he could attack any moment. I had an umbrella on this day so was able to use it to put between the dogs, and luckily the owner was at the front door of the house it came from and was calling for him, which eventually he did return to. Another incident was at the dog park where a female dog basically went after Hazel, nipping at her backside and telling her to basically who was boss, chasing her down and causing quite a stir. The owner mentioned she seemed to have aggression towards to female dogs that have not yet been spayed, which at th...

The last couple years have been teaching me what it means to learn something new. The challenges I've faced, the fears I had about making a mistake, "what will others think if I make a mistake???", and getting to know the value in each lesson... it's been a journey I am most grateful for. Who are you when it comes to learning something new? Fearful or Embracing? The  Journey to Lifers Take Responsibility for what is HERE in/as this world, within AND without: Desteni DIP Lite Course  (FREE) DIP Pro Eqafe  (Self-Perfecting interviews, books, music, etc) For your Info: Destonian Wiki Equal Life Foundation SOUL (School of Ultimate Living)

I started writing about another point this evening, and experienced a wall in front of me... a hurdle I had to get over, a stuck-ness that I had to remove before I could continue. The following is the pushing of myself to 'get it out', as whatever was 'here' that was bothering me and keeping me from writing and self-forgiveness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the point in which I’m working on now – thinking and believing it’s not the ‘actual point’ and there’s something else I should be writing about I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as my words, as my self-forgiveness, instead of pushing through the reactions as judgments and allowing to flow from me what is here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within process – in the points I face, comparing them to others and that somehow my process is not interesting enough, or insightful enough or worthwhile en...

To wrap up the previous points within my self forgiveness and self corrective statements and commitments to change this point, I’ve realized or was reminded of the following. Like with anything that is new, or unfamiliar, or that you don’t have experience with, there can be fear . It’s like the fear of the unknown, or actually the matter of having to change, or learn something new, or try something different, different from how you’ve always been, or lived, or done things. So with this point of the fear of standing at a computer station at work that was suggested to have higher traffic, it was a fear of making a mistake, because I am new to the job, and the responsibilities, and while I was learning everything about how to do the job, I had a fear of having more contact with the guests and actually more experience with potential situations that may come up during the job. So while in essence, or from one perspective, it’s clear to see that that would be the place one would want t...

Continuing on with the self-limitation shared in my previous blog, here are the corrective and commitment statements from the self-forgiveness shared in yesterday's blog. For more context, check out the series so far: 414: Hiding Out in a Limitation 415: The Belief about Self behind a Limitation When and as I see myself fearing standing at the high traffic computers at work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is based within an idea that the more people I will deal with, the more potential there is for conflict. I commit myself to not participate in this fear, based on an idea and instead work with my physical environment, as my physical surroundings, my body, and my breathing . When and as I see myself resisting to stand in a position where I will more likely interact with more people, such as the high traffic computer stations at work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this fear is simply a resistance I’ve created t...

So continuing from the previous blog , there are two points requiring self-forgiveness. In this blog I will address the first point,  Limiting myself within a fear /resistance/avoidance to standing at the ‘higher traffic’ computer stations at work. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing at the high traffic computer stations at work within the idea that the more people I will deal with, the more potential for conflict exists I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear situations and experiences where I might make a mistake, or where there may be conflict with others, and to within this, allow a resistance to standing in such a position where I will more likely interact with more people I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stand at a computer station at work that was told to me to be the one with lesser traffic of guests, and to within this, want to stand here because within this, thinki...