591: Facing My Fear of Confrontation

I have noticed a point within me throughout the years where I cower at anyone that challenges me, questions me, or disagrees with me. My automatic response is to run and hide, or block and delete. I have come to accept the idea that I don't like confrontations, the other person is probably right, they will outsmart me, and that my fear is greater than me.

When I'm questioned, challenged, or someone disagrees with me, I go into fear... fear that I'm not strong, the other person 'called me out' and I cannot possibly stand my ground, face this other person, and engage in a discussion that could clarify my position that they seemed to challenge in the first place.

Recently someone called me out... challenging something I shared and not having the same opinion of it that seemed to be the majority. And while I wanted to run, delete, block and say fuck off... I rather looked at the reasons why I always run away. What am I afraid of? And more importantly what is here for me to learn?

When I wrote about this experience and questioned my behavior throughout the years I saw this weakness within me where I easily submit to another person's authority (author of the story) and don't bother standing on my own two feet and standing by myself in what I say/share. So here there is a big problem because why am I sharing things I cannot stand by absolutely? Or why do I devalue myself so much that I accept someone trying to assert their opinion of me or what I share by simply walking away?

Sometimes perhaps that is the solution... but sometimes it's not. Sometimes people get away with things they shouldn't, and sometimes it takes someone else to say enough is enough and challenge them. Well, here I see I need to challenge myself to get more of a backbone and back myself up when people try to push me around because that is what it feels like, and that feeling I know is self-created.

There is an extensive fear of people I define as stronger than me and that is because I have for a long time defined myself as weaker, less intelligent, lacking and just plain 'ol not good enough. A very low self-esteem problem though I haven't address it adequately because it's still playing out in my life.

And so since this moment of being challenged/questioned... a few more similar instances have come about and I am now practicing reflecting and understanding and bringing it back to myself before I immediately act as an automatic response of RUUUUNNNNN. I check myself, clear myself, and then proceed to respond if it's best.

This will be an interesting point to walk through because the fear is great, and the devaluing of self is greater but I realize that integrity means to stand by the words I speak and if I cannot, I shouldn't be sharing them anyway OR I better learn to stand up for myself if I want to address any of the real issues in this world.

There's more to this point of course... more forgiveness to be done, more corrective script to write, more real-time practice to be lived. Will share is I walk this point in my Journey to Life.

Thanks for being here!

Artwork By: Matti Freeman

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