597: Sick in Survival (2 of 30)

Art By: Harumi Hironaka

I was sick this past week, and had to take some days off work... what opened up was the fear that exists when not being able to work in a system based on survival and where, as a lot of women, I'm not giving me, and my body, my priority attention, and care

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when sick because I feel as if I'm letting people down who depend on me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my body to 'quickly get over it' when being sick - giving it no more than two days to be immobile and after that, it better be ready to move again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be conditional in how much rest I will give my body when it needs it the most

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others being upset with me when I'm sick in thinking I am letting them down when perhaps it is specific to both me and others around me when I am no longer able to function as per usual... giving room for others to step up or step in and help out where normally I would do it myself

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being sick too long in fear of making my employer angry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear compromising my work position if I am sick too many days realizing here this is a survival system and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not question a survival system where i fear to be sick in fear of losing my job which could compromise my survival and to further within this, not consider solutions such as a support-based system and think survival is the only way to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the absurdity in our world system where if we are sick and miss a day, we then FEAR no longer having that position that provides money for us to SURVIVE instead of realizing that is BS and that it's everyone's right to take care of themselves - to nurture and care for themselves - especially when the body needs it the most in times of sickness and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system of abuse that does not support people unconditionally and keeps people in fear of not surviving if they are sick because they can't work to make money

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question the nature of this world where fear comes up in relation to losing my job if I'm sick too long... and instead remain in the fear as if it's a valid fear I should experience

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting others down when I am sick because I attempt to be there for everyone else and perhaps not enough for myself and when my body needs me to be there for my body, I fear I'm not doing my best when perhaps my body is saying Hey... me too, I need you

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give my body the proper attention and care from me it requires

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to learn how to listen to my body

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to make my body and it's well-being a priority as it provides me to do everything in this life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put my body first as the most important relationship I have and stop trying to do so much for others and instead do for myself as I realize if I can do that for myself, I can do that for others for real where it's no longer a compromise to my own well-being

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to redefine my relationship with my body where it becomes about support - how my body supports me to live in this world, and how I am able to support my body to live in this world and to realize how that translates to a global system where it's based on support - equal, unconditional support - and not on survival where we will push, and fight, and rush, and move and not stop because we can't stop, because if we stop, we will not survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself the space in a support-based relationship and world system that gives all time to heal and rest and take care of ourselves for real

When and as I see myself fearing to compromise my position at work for being sick too many days, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the fucked-up-ness of this fear as it implies a system that does not support LIFE unconditionally and that while I am lucky and fortunate enough to be in a position where I can take sick days off without consequences, many cannot and so I commit myself to stop my fear and instead act in the interest of all as exposing this abusive system that does not support and honor life, the weak, the sick, the hungry, the poor, the homeless, the vulnerable and to push for solutions that's BEST FOR EVERYONE

When and as I see myself fear letting people down when I am sick or fear they will be upset with me for not being able to do what I normally do when I am not sick, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this fear implies I am not putting myself and my own well-being as my relationship with my body as a priority and that I would rather compromise myself to help others out, exposing the misaligned women design where we give and give and give without giving to ourselves  and then we give ourselves away and create resentments, and blame towards those we give to, but think they are taking from us, and we weaken ourselves and so I commit myself to learn how to give to myself so that I can actually give of myself to others where I am not taking from my self to give to others, but rather exist in an abundance within myself where then I have nothing but to give to others

I commit myelf to let my body rest when it needs it

I commit myself to stop the fear of what others will think if I stop doing what I normally do when I'm sick

I commit myself to change the system that does not support life to heal

I commit myself to support myself to give the best to myself so that I may give my best to others

I commit myself to learning how to listen to my body

I commit myself to learning how to communicate with my body

I commit myself to make my relationship with my body the most important one in my life

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