Kristina's Journey to Life

Continuing here with the family points.. in my initial blog that I opened up in regards to who I am in relation to family, and how I've come to define the word family, I mentioned one of the first things I noticed come up within me in relation to 'family' is the word suppression . There is a partnership relationship within this word suppression and that is addiction . I have seen and experienced a lot of suppression within myself and my family and an equal amount of addiction. And what I've come to realize is that addictions stem from suppressions. When we do not deal with or address or acknowledge or change things we experience within ourselves and our life, we are suppressing them. And in that suppression, we create a need to cope or cover up, or hide from what we are suppressing. This is where addiction comes from - the need to feel something else, to focus on something else, to keep ourselves busy and distracted from the real things within ourselves needing ...

My partner and I have been creating a habit of working together with Living Words. We created a word web at the beginning of our agreement/relationship as the words we wanted to live and express in the agreement/relationship. So the word Agreement is in the center of our web and from there all the various words and expression we want to be a part of our relationship branch from it. Every few days, or weeks, or months we pick a word from the web - usual just at random, one of us running our finger across the page of words until the other one says stop and wherever that finger lands is our word to work with. We discuss the word as what initially comes up within us in relation to the word - how we see it, how we define it, how we relate to it... then we walk with the word for a few days in ourselves and our day to day living. We then come back together after those few days to discuss our findings, specifying within that how we see we are able to make the word Livable in a Practical W...

Today I came face to face with a moment as a reaction towards another; their actions and movements and in this moment, the self corrective statements I have told myself that I will live as the application of change, came through and immediately, through the reaction, saw the responsibility I had towards 'what' I was seeing in another. What was interesting however, was once I had this reaction and then the the real truth of what I was seeing - as the ME that I have allowed myself to exist within and as, as it was reflected back to me in the mirror of another, I somewhat reacted to the realization of my responsibility - like seeing more of the reality of the responsibility I must take and have not necessarily taken as I have held onto resentments and judgments towards other's behaviors, so it was like this experience of "Fuck - this is actually me I am seeing, my responsibility - it's not about her, it's about me - fuck, I am that which I see" lol - it wa...

This is a continuation of: Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1 Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2 Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head Day 126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head Day 127 - Part 6: Forgiving and Correcting the Imagination Day 128 - Part 7: Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot And so we continue with the corrective application and commitment statements for the reactions I allowed to influence me in a moment, instead of being here, as the directive principle of who I am and to support myself in changing myself when/if these situations arise again. When and as I see myself reacting in moments to/towards A based on her words or her physical movements , I stop and I breathe and I do not allow the reaction to consume me or direct me in such a moment as I see/realize/understand that the reaction is based on past memories of experiences with A and within this ...

This is a continuation from  Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritations part 2 The next day, after I saw myself react to A – I saw the polarity personality in relation to her. A became ill and was in bed all day with stomach problems. A then developed a fever. While I was at work, and not at home with A, she was texting me asking if she should be worried because she had a fever of almost 102. This is where I then experienced emotion of fear and worry for A and began thinking about no one being there for her and wanting to go home and take care of her. Fear of A being older and her body unable to support her in this illness/dis-ease she was experiencing. I was afraid for A, afraid for myself, fear of losing A and being without her. So quite the opposite experience in relation to/toward A then I had experienced in the previous day. So looking back on the day before, where I reacted with emotions (negative experience) towards A: Within this is how I have experienced...

I saw irritation directed towards a family member. We will call them A. There are two others referenced in this post so we will refer to them as B, and C. A and B were assisting me with my car – and while I’m not aware of the moment I was triggered as irritation toward A– I saw the back chat and the physical behavior as the reaction I had in that moment towards A. A came out while B was busy putting my battery back in the car. A was smoking and moved close to me where I was standing, next to B, and leaned in and started cleaning the leaves from my hood. This irritated me. I moved and was ‘annoyed’ that A went to clean my car - one of the reasons was because A has always done that throughout my life, implies I am ‘dirty’ and is telling me to clean up, so this act was like A saying those words to me, “this is dirty, you need to clean it” – another is because I judged A for ‘having to do something’ – like A couldn't just stand there, A had to move in and act upon something. Al...

Taking responsibility for myself here - as I have been accepting and allowing myself to participate in blame through gossip. I have been having conflict with a family member - but it was not a direct conflict through face to face communication - it was through the digital world and through speaking about it with other family members. What I see within myself through participating in such communications about this situation - is that I was blaming this person for being the way that they are and for doing something apparently to me. I was blaming this person for saying things that I reacted towards as judgments - like he was judging me within saying the things he was saying... that I accepted within myself to feel judged. And instead of stopping myself from accepting myself as a victim - I just blamed him for saying things that I reacted to, and communicated 'why he is the way he is, and his actions say this about him' This is unacceptable - as I am only separating myself...