Kristina's Journey to Life

Last week I had a dream I died. I was walking on a street in a neighborhood, and some guy came past me very fast and shot me with a gun, straight into my neck. It was at point blank – there was no missing me, it was inevitable, I was going to die. In that moment, my initial experience / reaction was shock. This was it – it has happened and there is nothing stopping it, I am going to die. I started to breathe, I brought myself to my breath, realizing that is where I am and this was happening. More things moved within me – I thought of my partner and the unexpectedness he would have to walk with, with me dying. I thought I wasn't ready, or that I slightly resisted the reality of what was happening, that I was dying. I was disappointed that it happened this way, that is happened at that time , I wasn't ready to go, or at least I thought. But then I realized, or within me I knew, it was happening, that was the reality and there was nothing I could do to change it… so ...

This is a continuation of: Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1 Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2 Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head Day 126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head Day 127 - Part 6: Forgiving and Correcting the Imagination Day 128 - Part 7: Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot Day 129- Part 8: Correcting the Reactions So here I will continue onto the Physical Dimension of this moment wherein I reacted physically, changed my physical body, movement, experience all because of the movement that was happening within/as me as my mind. So this is a point revealing how we have enslaved our physical bodies/reality to our internal reality/the mind - wherein depending upon what is going on 'up there' in our heads, we will actually change ourselves to act accordingly - thus this begs the question: Who's in control? What are the forces forcing us to ...

This blog is in relation to 'past memories' of 'who I was' and what I accepted and allowed within interacting with others. There is regret when looking at these memories, for who I was, what I did and what I didn't do. Even for how I judged the other person and allowed these judgments to direct me in ending the relationship . So regret for who I was in a past relationship/interaction with another for accepting and allowing my mind as thoughts , feelings , emotions , and judgments to direct me in making the decision to stop contact with this being. It was all self interest - only considering myself in the interaction/ relationship - not being self honest about my experience, only accepting the way I was and not at all considering to communicate about it with the other person. Very selfish, as I was acting out within what I wanted or did want, what I felt or didn't felt and what I wanted to do or didn't want to do - it was all about me, again - not ...

Writing: A couple weeks ago I was at work. I was talking with a co-worker about ‘the system’. I don’t recall the specifics about what he was saying or what I was saying – I only recall my experience in relation to offering a solution. In general we were talking about how the System – the economic System – is basically a brutal system that does not consider what is best for all. It was messed up and rough to exist in such a system. There was a sense of ‘this is how it is – oh well’ within it – and I saw myself want to offer a solution – such as an Equal money System. I imagined myself saying, “That is Why I stand for an Equal Money System – as it takes on the core point of why this world is the way it is” – but I didn’t. I resisted. I went into fear – or, I allowed fear to exist within and as me – and so I stayed silent. I immediately went into regret – as I saw that this was an opportunity to offer a solution to another that they might not have considered themselves. That perh...