119 - Seeking Sex within the Secret Mind

So what I am realizing is that I have used another for my own self interest – obviously this is not best for all

Within this having expectations of receiving something out of an interaction – expecting something from another for myself – also obviously within self interest. So I feel saddened by this and that I did not stop myself. I fell(felt) responsible now for the creation of communication with another and think I have created some unnecessary conflict through the communication.

The point of self honesty here is that I was looking to gain something from an interaction with another. Attention, sex and an agreement. And this was based on the way I defined another to be ‘attractive’. Because I defined them as ‘good looking’ I sought them out to interact with me, based on ideas as future projections of an agreement, and sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another for my own self interest of desire for sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse another in using them for my own personal agenda within attempting to manipulate the interaction to get attention and evidence that they were interested in me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out another based on how I defined them to be ‘attractive’

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define another based on the picture presentation of ‘the way they look’

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the starting point of communicating with another in/as separation within the desire for sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within expectations within my communication with another– in seeking to find sex and agreement and believe that if we were to interact and communicate we would eventually go into an agreement

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to really get to know another as equal and one with me because of my acceptance of using them for my own personal gain within self interest in attempting to obtain sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my communication with another within the starting point of expecting a certain result/outcome from our communication such as sex and an agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse another within seeing them as a means to obtain my perceived sense of validity of sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse another as life through my self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deceitful and dishonest in my interaction with another as behind the veil I presented, I was actually looking for energy within the desire for sex and relationship/agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be unconditional in my communication with another in using them for my own self interest desire of sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that to go into an agreement within the starting point of desire for sex, I am not allowing myself to fully investigate whether the agreement would be actually supportive – thus separating myself from the physical reality of two beings coming together, and what that would physically, practically require in an agreement and only existing within the illusion of my mind in desire for sex and a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that without the desire for sex and relationship I would no longer perceive communication and interaction with another to have ‘a point’

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that interaction and communication requires ‘a point’ instead of realizing the ‘point’ I am seeking for in interaction and communication with another is for an desired outcome of being in agreement and the ability to have sex

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the desire for sex as the reason for me to start communicating with another

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for the abuse in which I participated in in allowing myself to communicate with another within the starting point of self interest as desire for sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself by the energy of desire for sex as self interest in acting out to communicate with another instead of supporting myself in slowing down with/as breath to really see what I was accepting and allowing within the communication with them from the beginning

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship within my mind to/towards another as being someone I could go into an agreement with and within this form expectations from our interaction and communication and when it did not go that way – when they did not give to me what I was expecting to receive – react within myself as I was not getting ‘my way’ – revealing here the whole point I was within as the whole interaction was of self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate another within attempting to make them attracted to me through our communication within the desire for sex and relationship

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use another, as I have used so many others, in my own private game of attempting to ‘get what I want’ as sex and relationship – to feed of the energy of excitement I generate within my mind of possible future play out of ‘what could happen’ or ‘how it could be’ all within the positive energy of ‘feeling good’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be direct with another about my experience and reasons for communicating with them– deliberately holding secrets within my secret mind, presenting myself as something other then what I was actually doing – realizing the dishonesty within this, the manipulation, the inconsideration – the abuse of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a personal agenda and ulterior motive for communicating with another as being the desire for sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to desire sex and an agreement with another based on pictures and images of them wherein I defined them as ‘attractive’ and from that moment decided because of this and only this, I wanted to be in an agreement with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define another within the limited perception of ‘how they look’ defining them according to the way they physically look instead of actually getting to know them as a being equal and one here as life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define the only reason to go into a relationship to be based on ‘physical attraction’ and believe this can and will sustain a relationship/agreement

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences I have created in not considering what is best for all, what is best for another, what is best for life in my starting point of desire for sex and agreement within communication with another.

When and as I see myself moving towards the direction of communication with another within/as the starting point of/as desire for attention, sex and agreement, based within defining another according to their picture presentation as the 'way they look', I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the awareness of me here, and direct myself from myself here and not in/as the mind of picture images supporting the desire of/as energy for attention, sex and relationship as I have seen/realized/understand that this is within the starting point of/as self interest, not within the consideration of another as my equal, but only within the desire to fulfill my expectations and wants/desires which is abuse, dishonest and deceptive - so instead I breathe and do not allow myself to move within such a starting point and instead investigate the point within writing, self forgiveness and self commitment statement to bring myself back to the point of self honest, self responsibility - taking responsibility for myself and for the interaction/communication I create within my world with others and thus I commit myself to no longer separate myself from others within only considering myself and my self interest and instead investigate the self interest and what it is I am seeking, to be honest with myself about it and thus develope self intimacy within myself to ensure that I create interactions/communications with others, as myself, based on self trust, self responsibility, self honesty and no longer having hidden motives and agendas that only serve my self interest as ego.

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