669: Fear Programmed into Women

Art by: Andrew Gable

Today while I was at work – alone on a Sunday due to the Covid19 “situation” as we are calling it – I kept having moments of fear and panic come up as I was ‘alone’ in this office. Despite it being early in the morning to the afternoon, I kept having this fear/image of someone being in the office that “didn’t belong” – that “wasn’t supposed to be there”. I feared someone would be lurking/waiting for me and “strike” when I least expected it. I also thought maybe a co-worker would come in and try to scare me. Every sound stood out and I froze, wondering, “is that a normal sound or is that a sound of something being wrong?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in my office building in thinking and believing that someone would be there or “get in” that wasn’t supposed to be there and end up harming me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being raped, attacked and murdered while being alone in my office building because of all the movies and tv shows I’ve seen throughout my childhood that portrayed this very scene of a woman alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear because of programming myself from tv shows and movies from my past of “what happens when a woman is alone anywhere”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a woman, fear to be alone in thinking and believing I am vulnerable and someone WILL be out to get me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there are “attackers” out and about everywhere I go and no place is safe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within my mind as images of someone attacking me from behind while in the office alone

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to react within/as fear at every sound I hear in the office that seems to be louder than everything else in thinking and believing that it’s someone breaking in or trying to get in to harm me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as this constant state of fear that someone is constantly out to get me or to harm me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store all the movies and television show scenes I’ve seen throughout my life of a woman being attacked or harmed when alone in any place within my mind and use as a reference for “what will happen to me if I’m alone”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as a weak woman needing protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word woman as being weak and needing protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a woman with being a victim

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from the word woman as being a victim and inferior and of need of another to protect and save me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand who I am as a woman, as a wo-man – as the flesh of life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the power I possess as a wo-man

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the strength I possess as life itself

I forgive myself that I have not yet fully accepted and allowed myself to  align myself to life as resilience, strength, determination, stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need a man to protect me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe all men are out to get me 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe all men are evil and can harm me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in a space

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in a space I cannot see completely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and not being able to see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and hearing sounds but not seeing what the sounds are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because I’ve seen something on tv or a movie that it WILL happen to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze in any moment of hearing a sound out of fear that it’s something scary or bad

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe in all moments of my day wherein I am here as life as the flesh as all as one as equal and so not in my mind where fear exists

When and as I see myself fearing to be alone in the office I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my reaction of fear of being alone in the office is due to watching television shows and movies as a kid that portrayed scenes of a woman being attacked when they are alone and least expected it and so I commit myself to stop participating in these stored images within my mind and instead, allow them to be in the past as the experience of watching them is. I commit myself to ground myself with breathing to keep myself in the present, here

When and as I see myself freezing in a moment of hearing a sound I don’t know what it is, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the freezing in fear is due to the idea that it’s something/someone “coming to get me” and so I commit myself to stop the irrational fear in that moment as I see, realize and understand that I am reacting to a past moment of a show or movie that SHOWED me that scenario – that TOLD me the VISION to live

I commit myself to re-create that which I see to be that which is best for all and no longer from the past as fear and separation

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am a victim or weak or inferior because I am a woman, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this definition was given to me and not self-created and so I dismiss and delete it from myself and create the space within me to create a new definition of a woman to be that which is EQUAL to all life as the life that is strong, stable, resilient and here

I commit myself to be here

I commit myself to equalize myself with life without fear

I commit myself to stand strong as a woman

I commit myself to stop all victimization within myself

I commit myself to not stop until all as one as equal within as/myself

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