679: Purifying Words: Mother
A point that opened up recently in relation to being/becoming pregnant and having a child (if you haven't heard my story about being pregnant/becoming pregnant - see here, or here, or here) is the fact that I have not yet redefined the word Mother for myself yet. I did not actually ever consider this, which is kind of weird to me. Here I am trying to conceive a child and wanting to enter into this phase of my life as being a mother and I have not considered who I am in relation to this word now and who I want to be as a living expression of mother.
So I see this is a point I can open up and start to investigate and discover for myself how I have been living this word and seeing if it is in fact aligned to principles I want to live/apply in my life.
Obviously the first point that comes up when I look at the word is interesting this word that I have been connecting to the word mother as of recently (again – didn’t put two and two together to realize this is the word here for me to redefine lol) – the word SMOTHER. The word mother is in the word smother and as a “mother” I am to my fur babies (two cats and 1 dog) – I can see how I lived out this as “a mother”.
I am/was over bearing, over protecting, over worried about how they were, if they were okay. Especially with Hazel – I was constantly wanting to touch her and kiss her and hug her and basically smother her. Constantly watching her and worrying about her and checking up on her and wanting to fix her or give her what I think she needs. I had a lot of guilt with her initially in the beginning also. Guilt that I wasn’t doing enough for her, that I wasn’t the best for her, that I was somehow letting her down.
I can see how in that experience of feeling constantly letting her down or not giving her enough, that somehow her life is lacking, I would trying to overcompensate with my emotional connection to her. I would try and show her more love but I can see how this would be the smothering. The mother feeling guilty smothers to soothe my own guilt. To soothe my own short comings.
So I will start here… just starting to open this point up for myself and will walk it in real-time as it opens up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet realize that I can and should redefine the word mother for myself so that I am clear on who I am and who I want to be as a mother as the living word
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet realize the importance of redefining the word mother for myself as taking responsibility for any misalignment within myself in relation to the word… where I may have a skewed definition that is not practical in this physical reality or that is based on some emotional experience as a child or where I have morality infused with it and don’t consider all dimensions of life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare to have a child without first ensuring I am clear within/as the word mother so that I do not recreate the mother/child relationship that currently exists in this world because I see the type of world we live in and it is not one that is best for all and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is my responsibility to walk the process of clearing the past as the mother matrix from me and to re-establish the mother as a living expression/word as what is best for all
What comes up here is the Earth. The Earth is our Mother. She has provided life, she have provided us everything we need. She has provides us with food, water, shelter, resources we need to thrive and she even has given us the ability to abuse her. She has not enforced herself on us or imposed her beliefs on us or told us who we must be or what is right or wrong. She has given us the space to discover for ourselves. I do not see who we are as a flaw in our mother because we don’t have a relationship with her. We have separated ourselves from her. We have moved away from her so much so we don’t realize where we actually come from and what we are actually made of. We see ourselves as separate and superior. And so we abuse that which actually gave and gives us life.
So this is where I must start… open myself to the mother earth – to the living, breathing being that is this earth and that is given me life.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that we all share our mother as earth and we have separated ourselves form our mother earth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from earth as not seeing, realizing and understanding that I in fact am made up of the flesh of the earth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as superior to the earth
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how I am in fact connected to the earth, how I am in fact made up of the earth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the relationship I have to the earth as my mother
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my definition of the word mother to be that of only the woman who birthed me into this life because while she did and she is my mother, she and I also share a mother as this earth who is the ultimate womb from which we come
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor my mother as my earth as getting to know her and understanding her and hearing her
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to essentially think I know better than my mother
I forgive myself that I gave accepted and allowed myself to not trust my mother
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother
I forgive myself that I gave accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I don’t know my mother
I forgive myself that I gave accepted and allowed myself to see myself as different then my mother
I forgive myself that I gave not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am my mother
I commit myself to walk a process of getting to know myself as the word mother
I commit myself to purify myself as the word mother
I commit myself to redefine mother to be that which is best for all
I commit myself to not judge myself in this process of redefining mother in morality to mother that’s best for all