678: Why I Avoid Interacting with Others

May 20, 2020

Here I share some self-forgiveness on a point I see within me of wanting to "keep my distance" and avoid interacting with too many people. If I had it "my" way, it was be just me and my partner and our dog hazel and I wouldn't have to spend time with anyone else. Not because I don't like others but because I often have lots of reactions when around others - insecurities, comparisons, competition, judgments, uncertainty, paranoia even... it's a mess that I'd rather avoid. Though - the avoidance is actually me accepting a limitation within myself, defining myself as these reactions because in not changing them, I am saying "this is who I am" and that is a person in fear and conflict and separation of others? Obviously not my full potential so some dismantling of this must happen...

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the reason I have in a way isolated myself throughout the years and kept my interactions to a minimum is because in doing so, I do not have to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately limit my world and my relationships because of a fear of having to face all of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within limiting my relationship with other people, lived the statement that I am afraid to face me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by the reactions and experiences that are triggered when I am more active with other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it’s better to be alone to not trigger those reactions and experiences within myself as I do when I’m more engaging with other people instead of realizing that my responsibility is not to avoid creating or triggering those experiences but rather to FACE THEM and FORGIVE THEM and redefine/decide/create who I will be moving forward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe my mind is too busy, it’s too much of a mess, it’s so fucked to be changed and so I avoid engaging with too many triggers in an attempt to remain stable instead of realizing I am only prolonging my process and implying I am inferior to myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face and embrace all of me especially me as who I am in relation to others – to fully engage with and get to know and see for real the me with others that compares and competes and fears and worries and interprets and assumes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am such a stable person instead of realizing I’ve only created an environment in which I can do my best within limitation and a definition of myself that I can only direct so much so I keep my distance in an attempt to keep the peace within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of myself if I were to face head-on me in relation to others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize for how long I have been hiding from myself, especially behind the facade of "I am changing myself"

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize an understand how much I am gifted to see now that my interactions/engagement with others trigger so much within me – so much of me still requiring my attention and direction and so I have quite an opportunity to purify and change who I am

When and as I see myself wanting to avoid interacting with others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my resistance towards others and my lack of relationships with others is due to a resistance towards truly and absolutely getting to know me because, with others, I am faced with me as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions and so if I stay away from people and keep my interactions short, I can create an idea about myself that I am stable and so I commit myself to challenge this accepted self-definition and idea about myself that I am stable and that I can’t interact with more people and that I must avoid triggering anything within me and I rather commit myself to embrace more interactions and relationships with others as a point of embracing and interacting and getting to know me as that which is the ultimate purpose and reason for being on this earth so that I can become a person of worth who cares and values for myself and other equally

I commit myself to face my fear of facing myself by engaging more with others

I commit myself to utilize the tools I have within me to face fears such as breathing in moments of walking into my fear as interacting more with others

I commit myself to utilize the tool of writing to help clarify the experiences I have when interacting with others

I commit myself to utilize the tool of self-forgiveness to take responsibility for myself

I commit myself to practice reflecting on my experiences I have when interacting with others to get to know me

I commit myself to not shy away of an opportunity in a moment to expand myself as interacting with other

Art By: Marlen Vargas Del Razo

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