691: Birth and Motherhood - Panic at What is to Come

March 23, 2021

I am now 36 weeks pregnant and inching closer every day to the "big day" which is that of giving birth. I've known this day would come and have been preparing physically and mentally - doing yoga, breathing, and reading lots of books about labor and birth. 

For the majority of this pregnancy, I have been feeling confident, calm, and prepared for that moment when it's time to actually labor and birth my child but recently I've had an interesting experience coming up. I'd say it's come up about 2 or 3 times now, mostly in the middle of the night when I'm on one of my many bathroom runs, this very subtle and quick moment of sheer panic at the thought of having this child. 

I'm not sure if it's the labor/birth part or the fact that once this baby is here, that's it... he's here forever lol but it's definitely an experience of panic. It's a sharp energy that grips me for a moment and the first time I experienced it, it felt like a moment of "what the fuck did we do" - almost like the reality setting in that we've created another human life and we are 100% responsible for that human life and he will be here VERY soon and our lives will never be the same again. 

The panic of the responsibility, the weight, the change, the implication of having a child. I think there is a small dimension of this panic that's in regards to actually physically birthing the baby but overall it seems to be the weight of the responsibility we have created for ourselves. 

Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets about conceiving a child - I am open and grateful to be in this position and am looking forward to the challenges and joy I know I will face. But with that said there is no denying that we are about to step into a process that we may have planned for but perhaps could not have known exactly how it would be and that level of the unknown or uncertainty can be scary. It can be terrifying really. 

So I thought it would be a good idea to share this point here and do some self-forgiveness on it to ensure that this subtle, sharp panic doesn't grow and accumulate into something that could be debilitating for me at the time of his actual birth. I've heard from other women and read stories about how a woman's experience plays quite the role in the process and progress of labor and I am determined to ensure I have nothing blocking me from opening up and birthing this baby in the easiest way possible. Of course, I am prepared to be flexible with how it goes, but that doesn't mean I can't do things now to prepare and support myself for those moments to come and to ensure I don't have any hidden fears, worries, or concerns standing in my way from walking through this journey of birth. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as a panic in relation to having a baby as the weight of the responsibility of having a child sets in as I am now approaching the due date

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsibility I have created for myself by creating a child and to think and believe that somehow I will fail or it will be fuck up and essentially is something I must fear and exist in panic in relation to

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how my experience of panic at the thought of having this baby and what my life will soon look like is a projection into the future and so an act of separation from myself here, in the present, where I actually exist in reality and that in projecting myself into the future I am reacting to something that doesn't exist

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create anxiety, worry, and panic by existing in a future projection within my mind instead of realizing that by being here, walking in the moment, I am in a better position and more equipped to direct myself and my reality wherein when I project myself into the future I am not able to do anything about it because it's not here and so I am simply disempowering myself in relation to something that doesn't exist

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to walk in the moment as breath, as my present, to ensure I am HERE and directing what is actually HERE as my reality and so thus be able to trust myself to do what is best in the moment - realizing this is the way to walk with my child once he is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my life changing completely forever instead of realizing that change is a constant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a child being dependent on me because I still feel like a child myself 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am able to take responsibility for my child as I have been able to take responsibility for myself and so I know I can trust myself to move and direct and express myself in ways that are best for us/all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to bring this baby into this world and have him be a part of my world and knowing I've wanted and decided to create this change as a responsibility I have as a human being to ensure a world best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in the face of having a baby within the belief that it will be life changing and that is somehow scary or something to be afraid of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to suppress this panic in regards to having a baby as if that implies I'm not ready to have him or that I look like I've made a mistake or have regrets about his conception

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-honesty is about embracing what is here, not making things look better than they are

When and as I see myself experiencing subtle, sharp moments of panic in relation to having a baby so soon, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this panic is me projecting myself into the future that doesn't exist and isn't here and there's nothing I can do about it and so I commit myself to rather breathe and bring myself into the physical moment, as my breath, in the present wherein I am able to stand and live as a directive principle of me and my life and so empower myself to do what is best in any given moment

I commit myself to be self-honest about what I experience and not think or believe I have to hide my experience but that I can face it and forgive it

I commit myself to walk in the moment as I raise this child to ensure I am not separating myself from what is real as what is here

I commit myself to trust myself to raise this baby as I see I've been able to make decisions in my life and direct myself in ways that are best for me/all and so I am fully capable of doing that with and for my child

I commit myself to not be afraid of my fear of having a child and to rather embrace the unknown and what's to come without expectations or ideas but rather with an open mind, heart and arms

Artwork By: Desteni Artists

My YouTube Channel

The Journey to Lifers

Take Responsibility for what is HERE in/as this world, within AND without:
Desteni

DIP Lite Course (FREE)

DIP Pro

Eqafe (Self-Perfecting interviews, books, music, etc)