Day 709 (12 of 30) - My Specialty

Time to redefine the word SPECIAL. 

It's come up in a few blogs previously walking the Star Process and I see there is still some emotional points within me in relation to that word so I'd like to look deeper to see what's here. 

I am giving myself permission to break from structure and go with the flow of how to ground/redefine this word. 

So special... this word is LOADED for me. 

I feel as if the word special didn't play a big role in my life until I started my Desteni Process some 15 years ago. The word, when I would hear or read it, was like a strike against me and I felt like I would coward and hide from it in Fear because I desired to be special. Or I thought of myself to be special and then in process I defined that as "bad" so it was something I was ashamed of about myself, that I used to want to be or felt I was special. 

When I was younger and growing up - it was like I did feel special, but also more like an outcast/outsider. It felt like something clearly was different about me but I could never really put my finger on it. I just defined it as there must be something wrong with me because I seemed to be a weirdo lol 

But I can see how this was also related to the word special... where I did feel special. There was something special about me but also I knew in my heart there wasn't, because apparently there was something really wrong with me. So perhaps there was this acceptance of I felt this way about myself, but I hid it and was ashamed of it because clearly there was nothing special about me, I was just a weirdo. So I felt it about myself but obviously, I was mistaken so was embarrassed I even thought that about myself. 

And I can see growing up there was that positive charge to it, but there was also a stable/grounded-ness to it - like a point of "I am this, and so is everyone else" - it's like the "this little light of mine" song. I was gifted with this inner belief of who I really am, and who everyone else was, but I shoved that so deep inside of me in an attempt to hide it/suppress it that I even lost it for a moment in time. As I write this I can feel that... that awareness of myself placed ever so gently and lightly as the smallest of seeds.

So special, it was multi-dimensional within me. I was it. but I was ashamed of it. I saw it but I denied it. I knew it but I hid it. 

The desire as the positive point was the externalization of the awareness of me - where because I hid/suppressed it to the degree that I did, I then forgot about it and went looking for it outside of me. 

Until Desteni intervened lol. 

As mentioned, during the beginning of my process and for most of those first 12 years I was quite ashamed of how I saw/defined/felt myself to be special. I was very quite hard on myself and attempted to eradicate that point out of me. 

Then came my son Phoenix and my process of birthing Life from my body and everything literally shifted for me. I remembered how special every child is, how special life is, how special I am, and how flipping amazing it is that we are here. 

The odds of the being that is you becoming into the physical are beyond staggering. You were more likely not to exist than to exist and look at you... you are here! That is something special.

Life is so fucking special and precious and miraculous and I guess that's how I'm living the word at the moment lol

Though - even though I do see it as that when I see the word special in other's writings, there is still a movement within me of shame/guilt and even fear. Feeling bad that I see myself as special. Feeling as if it's "unnecessary" and that I shouldn't feel that way. That it's "just my mind" in some point of self-interest. 

This is the point I want to transform. This shame that I am trying to be something I am not instead of embracing myself fully as who I know I am. 

So that is why I wanted to define this word for myself to ground it once and for all - to see if for real and the real physical expression of it so I can live it in a way that I am proud of/confident of.

So that I can live it out loud. 

So that's the first step for tonight. Will continue in the blog to come.