654: Since I Stopped Smoking...

It's been more than 7 days since I last had a cigarette. I have been a smoker for more than half my life and I've attempted to stop only a handful of times, unsuccessfully obviously. The last time I tried was about a year and a half ago and I quit for 3 months. A lot of the same factors as my reasoning for stopping are part of this attempt but this time I had an opportunity to have a little help to get started. I had a couple wisdom teeth removed and both times previously I've had teeth pulled, I've given myself dry-socket from smoking right after. This time I decided I would give my body the proper time off to heal as effectively as possible and so I thought well if I won't be smoking, why not use this as an opportunity to stop for good.

So that was the initial consideration for the timing to stop. The other factor is money. I spend a lot of money to smoke and I am having a hard time these days justifying smoking my money away - especially when I can't actually afford to smoke - the practical reality situation wins again. So money is a big motivator.

Another aspect of the decision is to simply change my programming. I have smoked for a long time, my parents smoked/smoke and many members of my family smoked/smoke so it's another generational/family design I think it's about time I break. I would love to be able to pick up a smoke here and there and enjoy one without the addiction or dependency nature that comes with it... but right now, I can't, that's not my relationship to it. So another part of this decision is to change this relationship to smoking once and for all - where I am FREE and CLEAR to move without that action dictating when, where, how, why, and with whom...

So more than 7 days in and it's not necessarily any easier. The decision is still clear. There have been moments of becoming ecstatic at the thought of ridding myself of the habit once and for all... feeling thrilled at the idea of not any more 'having' to smoke. Which sounds crazy, right - thinking I "have" to smoke but that is how I experienced it. There was no choice from my perspective... I had to do it.

But the most interesting aspect so far I'm noticing with this stopping is the TIME that has become available. There is lots of time I used to fill with smoking and now I experience myself as completely lost... like what do I do with all these transitional moments of in between actions... having a cup of coffee in the morning, after breakfast, on my way to work, on my break from work, on my way home from work, with my afternoon coffee, after dinner, before bed... all these in-between moments where I used to stop and just smoke, thinking I was relaxing and gearing up for the next task are now completely available to me to do whatever it is I wish to do.

But I have no idea what to do. Those transitional moments seem to be the most challenging. The in-between moments... I jokingly ask my partner "now what" in these moments lol because he's not a smoker and so I'm genuinely curious as to what goes through himself/his mind in these moments of in between... when he doesn't go to 'smoke break' what does he do?

So I have to relearn how to utilize my time... how to transition from one moment to the next without using a cigarette to be the ice breaker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is too much time available without smoking and now I don't know what to do with myself in those moments of when I used to smoke

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself in moments of 'in between with smoking as a way to fill time or to KILL time and to now without smoking, feel lost and confused on what to do with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe smoking is a good use of my time because, without it, I feel I am not using my time properly as I have too much time I don't know how to utilize properly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I will never know what to do with myself in those moments when I used to smoke and to rather realize it will take time to adjust to a new habit of not smoking wherein I am not dependent or in need of smoking and rather am able to direct and move myself within each moment, unconditionally, and without influence of a dependency

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost in moments of transition from one activity to the next where I used to fill this time with smoking and now that I'm not smoking, not sure of myself or what to do with myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe in those moments of transition where I'm in between actions throughout my day where I used to smoke and now that I'm not, breathe instead to support myself to ground myself in my body and to ground myself into my physical movement, the breath, as the real-time living until I get strong enough to move myself more directly from one moment to the next

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the amount of time I've spent on smoking/my addiction and how much time that translates into creating myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need to smoke to fill up the spaces in between myself and my life instead of allowing myself to embrace the nothingness of the moments in between where there is nothing going on and I can for that moment stop, breathe and stand within/as my physical body

When and as I see myself feeling lost or unsure of what to do with myself in moments of in-between actions or transitional moments after or into an action, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the amazing gift and opportunity I have to, in those moments of in between, breathe and get into my body - get grounded and into the physical and really align with my physical breathing as the application of realtime living and so I commit myself to in those moments of self-doubt of what to do with myself were I used to fill it with smoking, I instead use it to fill me inside my body with breathing and focusing on my physical fingers and toes and ground myself here

I commit myself to retrain myself to be able to live free and clear here without the need or want of smoking a cigarette

I commit myself to realize I can live without smoking as I once did for the first part of my life

I commit myself to rid myself of this dependency of smoking by utilizing the gift and support of my physical body/breathing

I commit myself to find more efficient ways to utilize my time and to maximize the full potential of all the time available to me in one day

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