655: Who Am I in those Moments When I Don't Smoke?

Continuing from the previous blog in looking at the relationship I have towards smoking and time, what I can see is how there is a definition of purpose defined within smoking. Where in these in-between moments when I would usually smoke, now they are vacant and I see a void of purpose... not having any direction or meaning to myself in those moments. It's like smoking once gave me a reason and purpose at that moment... to smoke... and now that I am not smoking, what is left? Where am I? Who am I?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my purpose and meaning within/as smoking as the moments where I would smoke, now that I'm not, feeling lost and without a reason or purpose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to those moments of smoking as having something to do with myself and not actually having to face myself as the question of 'who I am' without smoking... without an idea or belief or definition... with nothing... who am I?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate and question who I am without smoking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a smoker and to think and believe without that definition I am without something or I have lost something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am somehow lost without the habit of smoking instead of realizing this lostness is the self-definition I've given to myself as 'being a smoker' because I am no longer smoking, I do not fulfill that definition of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate this lostness and mourn the relationship with smoking that's finally coming to an end

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate the lostness and the mourning of no longer smoking as a process I must walk to once and for all free myself from the habit of smoking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I will never have direction in those moments where I used to smoke but now don't and so in for so long defining who I am within those moments and now taking that away, feeling unsure of who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to get excited about the uncertainty of who I am in those moments where I am no longer smoking as the opportunity to create and decide who I will be

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the opportunity I have to create myself as a new self-definition without smoking as something that was in a way already determined and now, in stopping, I have a chance to determine for myself who I will be in ALL moments of my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe the lostness I experience in moments where I used to smoke is real instead of realizing I can never actually lose myself as I am always here and it's only the relationship to smoking that I have lost as putting an end to it and so I must allow myself to walk through that process of stopping/ending the cycle of me smoking as an actual death process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself within stopping smoking as an actual death process as I am putting an end to a habit that I have given my life to for many years

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to mourn the loss of ending smoking

When and as I see myself defining myself as lost or without purpose or meaning in those moments of no longer smoking, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is simply the process I must walk to walk through the ending of the relationship I've had towards smoking where it was a point of self-defining myself in moments - to have a reason and purpose in moments of something to do and so I commit myself to now embrace and understand who I am without smoking... without everything that I've created a relationship towards that I've become dependent on and to rather face who I am with nothing

I commit myself to face and embrace myself in those moments of not smoking as seeing who I am and deciding who I will be in those moments

I commit myself to not fear being lost in those moments of no longer smoking and rather see me for the first time without smoking

I commit myself to allow myself to mourn the ending of the relationship I've had with smoking

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