693: What if My Body Doesn't Produce Breast milk?

March 29, 2021

Last week at our 36-week midwife appointment our midwife suggested I try to collect colostrum for our little one for after he's born. Because I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes there is a chance he could be born with low blood sugar (this may be because if he's been getting high blood sugars from me, his body could adapt to that amount so once he's born, it can drop as he's no longer getting that amount from me). And if he does have low blood sugar, he may be unable to breastfeed right away after birth and so to avoid giving him formula she suggested I stock up on a supply of colostrum now for him just in case. 

And so she showed me how to hand express the colostrum. While at our appointment, the colostrum did not come out so she suggested when I got home that evening to take a hot shower and then try again. I did and still nothing. The next night I did it again and again, no colostrum came out, and instead, I just have sore and sensitive breasts. 

This definitely triggered a reaction within me in thinking and believing my body hasn't produced the colostrum and worse yet, it won't produce any milk and we won't be able to breastfeed. 

Clearly, this is quite the irrational reaction... the chances of me not producing milk are so friggen small, but I tell you - the mind is a powerful thing and can be quite convincing especially when it comes to our own self-definition. 

This whole reaction played into an already established self-definition I have which is there is something wrong with me... inherently there is something amiss, lacking, bad, wrong, off track, defective... so here, despite my midwife saying I have been for a long time during this period already producing milk and her not having any doubt I will be able to get colostrum from my breast before he's born, not having it come out when I've attempted is me taking that as a confirmation that my self-definition is right... something is wrong. 

And then I think because I am in such a reaction/state of mind I am actually creating the very thing I am thinking is happening. I am the one actually standing in the way of my body doing what it was designed to do. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am not producing colostrum and will not produce breastmilk because I did not produce anything when I tried hand expressing 3 times so far

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is something wrong with me ad my ability to produce breastmilk because I have not yet been able to hand express colostrum

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to produce colostrum or breastmilk because I don't want to give my baby formula

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that of course there is something wrong with me/my body and that's why I won't be able to breastfeed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe just because I have not yet been able to hand express colostrum from my breast doesn't mean I won't be able to in time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own mind wherein I think and believe that my reaction to not having yet been able to hand express colostrum from my breast that is what is causing me to not be able to produce it in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within the irrational reactions that suggest I won't produce any colostrum or breastmilk for my baby because there is something inherently wrong with me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the consequence of a religion that suggests humans were born in sin which is that I have a deep-seated self-definition and belief that there is something wrong with me when in fact there isn't... I was born innocent like all children are born innocent 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question myself when I think and believe there is something wrong with me as the very foundation of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally let go of this idea that there is something wrong with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume the worst anytime anything suggests that I am not able to do something the average person can such as breastfeeding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed at the idea that I will not and cannot produce breastmilk for my baby

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to all other women who have been able to breastfeed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe if I am unable to breastfeed my child that somehow I've failed as a mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place such conditions on myself as a mother that if I do not adhere or live up to the standards I believe are "the only right way" then I have failed and am a fuck up as a mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself and my body to a standard that we may not be able to live up to purely because it isn't practical

I forgive myself that I have accepted a perfection from myself based on what others have said is best instead of deciding for myself what is perfect for me and my child and our current situation and practical reality and circumstance

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that not all breastfeeding journies are the same for every woman and every woman is different and unique, just as her breastfeeding experiencing

When and as I see myself reacting to the idea that I can't or won't be able to hand express colostrum or breastfeed, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is an irrational fear based on a self-definition that I am somehow defective, which is a consequence of a religious construct that suggests humans are born in sin. I reject this idea and commit myself to release myself from this idea so that I am no longer a slave to this idea that there is something wrong with me. I commit myself to pay close attention to my unique experience and circumstance when it comes to pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding and to not compare myself to others but to rather work with myself and what is here for me

I commit myself to stop rejecting myself within the self-definition that there is something inherently wrong with me

I commit myself to stop giving myself up over to the mind to tell me who I am or how I should experience things and rather practice breathing in moments to ground myself and the emotional energy so that it does not overwhelm me

I commit myself to practice being more in my body

I commit myself to trust my body to do what it has been designed to do which is breastfeeding a baby

I commit myself to trust myself to be present in the moment with myself, my body, and my baby to be able to breastfeed to the best of my ability

I commit myself to stop letting my mind get the best of me

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