695: Reasons for My Baby Blues
I haven't had a "low" day in almost a week so it's a little discouraging this experience is making an appearance. When I came out of my last low, I felt much brighter and lighter and more looking forward to my days, more optimistic about myself and my circumstance, and trusting that I would/could make this whole mom thing work.
A lot of my lows have been in relation to the fact that I am unable to produce an adequate amount of breastmilk to sustain my son and we have to supplement the majority of his nourishment with donor breastmilk.
I am so grateful he is at least getting breastmilk but the fact that I am not able to breastfeed him fully, with what he needs, was quite devastating and shattering for me. It's still a tough subject to talk about and address - tears still fill my eyes when I allow myself to fully step into this reality where I am unable to breastfeed my son. Even though I can see the bigger picture - that he doesn't have to be limited because I can't breastfeed him or that we had to supplement his diet with formula for a week in the beginning and that he is still getting breastmilk and we can still bond - it's a hard pill to swallow not being able to feed my child.
My last blog published was about how I had this "irrational" fear that I wouldn't be able to produce breastmilk for my son and I even went as far as to say the likelihood of that happening was SO SMALL and yet here I am... unable to produce breastmilk for my son. Feels a bit like I'm being punished or is a direct consequence of something I did wrong. It feels unfair and I do still feel a bit victimized within it.
So while I have been processing this point on my own and in talking through it with my partner and others, I can see today perhaps my low is in relation to this point again. Perhaps because I did publish that blog today or that my partner checked in with me today on that point to see how I was doing with it. I was taking a pill that helped to increase the milk supply and when that pill didn't show any major change that's how my midwife knew to suggest I had insufficient glandular tissue which is something I was born with - my breasts simply do not have enough glands to produce the milk. So while I do produce some milk, it's just not enough. This pill I was on though I have been weening off because it wasn't increasing my supply because it's not just a supply issue, it's a gland issue. Today was the first day I was off the pill and so that's why my partner was checking in.
My supply definitely dropped even more since going off the pill and while Phoenix and I still have our moments of "breastfeeding" - it's not necessarily for food nourishment but rather comfort/connection-nourishment which I'm grateful we have at least last.
So yeah, I bit of a rant here I suppose in opening up these baby blues for me today. I did allow myself to go into the blues a bit until I was on my after-dinner walk I noticed how I was walking... a bit slumped over, my experience still quite heavy, feeling as if I could cry at any moment so I decided to stop, pull my shoulders back, stick my chest out and walk with a bit more directive principle in an attempt to support myself out of this experience. It did help and now here I am to share this low experience within the month of given birth.
I don't think baby blues are random or not about anything specific... if we investigate and look into what it is we are actually experiencing and looking at our thoughts, words, feelings, and emotions, we can see more specifically what the problem is and how it's influencing our experience. For me today it's the fact that my breastmilk supply is quite low and I am not able to feed my baby with my breastmilk alone.
I will share more in blogs to come
Artwork By: Desteni Artists
Take Responsibility for what is HERE in/as this world, within AND without:
Desteni
DIP Lite Course (FREE)
DIP Pro
Eqafe (Self-Perfecting interviews, books, music, etc)
Comments
Post a Comment