692: Fear of Not being Ready

March 28, 2021 (3 days before my son was born).

I am over a week into my maternity leave and the little routine I had set up for myself at the start of this was disruptive midweek when we had our appointment with our midwife. We found out due to my gestational diabetes and being insulin-dependent that there was a chance I would need to be induced early and starting tomorrow when I'm 37 weeks pregnant and full-term, I could try some home remedies to induce myself. 

This was definitely unexpected and caused quite the stir within me as I had convinced myself of how the last 4 weeks of this pregnancy were going to go. I would have 4 weeks off to finish the final things on my checklist to prepare for his arrival - last-minute nitty-gritty cleaning of the house and just ensuring overall we had everything we needed for him. Because I had 4 weeks still I was taking my time at the start of this maternity leave and so when I got the news that we could trigger labor by next week... there was definitely a panic that ran through me.

All of a sudden the reality of his arrival was here and I wasn't ready. Or at least I thought I wasn't ready because a, b, and c hadn't been done yet and now I didn't have the same amount of time I expected and really wanted to get it all in order. 

I really resisted this initially... I didn't like the idea of inducing labor at 37 weeks and I certainly didn't like the idea of being medically induced at 38-40 weeks. I wanted him to come when he was ready. 

And while that may still happen, I definitely reacted strongly to having him come earlier than anticipated and even though I know, despite not having my checklist all done, we are ready... I still went into fear and worry about him coming. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist a birth plan that is anything outside of what I had determined was how it was going to go in my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the idea of this baby coming early because I defined him coming early as dangerous and bad and not his choice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my heart set on a birth plan that if it doesn't go that way, to think and believe that somehow something is being taken away from me and I cannot be empowered within my birth experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe everything I wanted out of this birth I will no longer get and that will somehow mean my child's start in life won't be the best it can be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be flexible to changes in my pregnancy and to hold onto an ideal based on what I think is best instead of realizing working with what is HERE as this physical reality and how things unfold is what is actually best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed at the idea of this baby coming sooner than I anticipated in thinking and believing I'm not ready for him to be here until it's been 40 weeks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe a baby being born before 40 weeks is something dangerous or compromising to the baby's health

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being medically induced into labor in thinking and believing that will cause other interventions during my labor

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I have any medical interventions that somehow my baby will be harmed and will not have the best possible start in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have all the things done on my checklist before the baby is born and resist him coming any earlier than that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my own expectations wherein I stubbornly hold onto an idea of how I want something to play out and if it doesn't go that way I refuse to accept it as reality and just make it harder for myself to move in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I'm not able to go into labor naturally that I'm somehow forcing him to be born before he is ready and that will somehow produce some unforeseen consequence

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to do what is  best for me and the baby as we approach birth to ensure he is delivered safely and to thus be bale to let go of what I want to ensure what is best is done

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what I want may not be in fact best for me/the baby

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly hold onto what I want rather than consider what could be best for all

When and as I see myself resisting the reality of a situation, such as perhaps needing to be medically induced into labor, I stop and I breathe. 

I see, realize and understand that my resistance is me holding onto a mental projection and an outcome I want that I think and believe is best yet in my holding onto it I am not accepting what is REAL and HERE for me as this pregnancy and so I commit myself to embrace this pregnancy as it is which is having gestational diabetes and with that, the potential of needing to be medically induced 

I commit myself to be willing to let go of my wants for what is actually best for me and my child

I commit myself to challenge that which I'm not able to let go of such as being medically induced into labor

I commit myself to let go of the idea that I'm not ready for him to come this early and rather embrace his arrival, whenever that may be

I commit myself to open myself up to his arrival whether that's this week or 3 weeks for now 

I commit myself to not stress myself out regarding my checklist and to rather take my time getting done what needs to get done so that I'm not rushing and being okay with what doesn't get done before his arrival

I commit myself to not be carried away by my thoughts as what could happen as possible worst-case scenarios and to rather walk in the moment, as the breath

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